I really like that 51% idea. I'm going to try to live by that tomorrow, and to pass it along.

Yeah, I think we're talking about the same thing. I guess it might also be that I've spent a life addicted to the adrenaline and drama of trauma living. In the past about now I'd be getting bored with being ok, so I'd be adding some destructive relationship to my life. Ha! Fortunately, I've outgrown that one this time.

51%. Very good. Thanks for sharing!

Sigh.

More familiar stuff.

I think that IS part of PTSD -- living in fear that LIFE is going to sabotage us/abuse us/disappoint us/hurt us, again.

I'd bet it rewires the brain, in that respect.

A buddy of mine accused me of "not wanting to be happy."

I told him ... you couldn't BE more wrong.

But it isn't easy.

Do I celebrate my little successes ? Sure. Best I can.

But I go out of the hotel, or get in my car, or meet up with people, and have this gut feeling that something bad is just GOING to happen.

I think it's part of the illness, and -- hopefully -- a part that SOME kind of therapy (self-treatment or by others) will relieve.

I've "learned" to see the worst in people and situations, and not the best.

In my last job, it made me VERY good at what I did -- find and solve problems before they happened -- Logistics/Operations/Operations Research/Planning.

But .... if you can't find a way to channel it, and make it a strength, it surely is another burden we carry.

I wish you peace, health, and strength.

I know what you mean.Even whe thing were good i have always lived with an impending sense of doom....like when isthe other shoe gonna drop?...

I asked a doc once she said is a very common thing for PTSD sufferers...Its PTSD...

51- great post. Thank you for sharing. Insightful and inspiring as always.

Mujicapstd- I can't say that I can relate fully to what you are saying, but the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is always hanging in the air. The rest... about being happy and in a good place, I hope to achieve. Thank you for your post.

Sometimes it helps to file all these symptoms in the PTSD file and look at them for what they are from a distance like an observer....With a prespective that those are "PTSD symptoms".
Not you or the actual reality as of now nor in the future either.

Definitely been there and done that. I just know some new crisis is just around the corner and I need to be ready for it.

Problem is, if there is no crisis coming...I'll have wasted all this time and energy worrying about it and preparing myself for it. I figured out that this was some kind of symptom a while back. But I'm still waiting for everything to go all wrong again.

Knowing is not the same thing as feeling. I still feel the approach of doom.

And it's true, in a strange way I do want something to happen so I won't feel I've been foolish in preparing for bad times that never came. My whole life has been a sea of storms, why should tomorrow be any different?

Who knows, if a meteor hits Earth or something like that, we may be the only ones left surviving...we've been programmed for dealing with disasters. It's what we do. Is that the up side of all this?

WOW! Absolutely not an embassing question here! I experience the same issue. Though I am still processing a lot. I have noticed periods of peace and contentment. It's so strang to me. Like you I have been known to sabotage my own happiness in fear that it was an inevitably coming back.

I too have had a life time of abuse. The one thing I try to hold onto is the fact we do live in a fallen world and there is bound to be heart ach, pain and sorrow. The only difference now is our barometer that measures danger or disfunction is now activated. Unfortunately, this is so new to me so I still struggle with a lot of panic attacks, but they are less than they used to be.

I think when we post the positive side of our PTSD experience it encourages others that there is a healthier way of living and it is attainable! So, please continue. Lord know's I need the inspiration!
Thanks!
Jessy

Wow, everybody! As my original posting re this topic said, I opened up about this apologetically. I didn't want to be whining about being in a good place to begin with. But seeing your solidarity has really helped me get it out.

Bottling up that restlessness and that PTSD impending sense of doom, as one of you put it, had me getting off track. Getting it out here got me back on track again. I'm not feeling like self-sabotaging like I was.

You guys really do help!

Wow great post. I experience the same thing. I found that achieving happiness is hard work. I took a course in positive psych and found it helped me more than any therapist. In the class we wrote a gratitude journal once a week and just put a couple things in it we were truly grateful for. It does help. We also watched a lot of inspirational videos...such as http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXDMoiEkyuQ
I book marked some of my favourites and play them when I am down and having trouble with PTSD sysmptoms. It has helped. There are lots of these type of videos out there. Maybe that could help you find and keep happiness in your life. Maybe it would help you to stop undermining your own happiness.
I think so how we think we do not deserve to be happy. Well, we do.

Funny thing, I was asked to give a talk on gratitude to a local group next week. I'll use what you told me, CC. It sounds corny, but making gratitude lists has helped me when I feel backed into a corner with PTSD. Glad to know folks like you have even taken it farther. Thanks!

Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times, YES! I know exactly what you mean.

Great thoughts, 51percent, thanks for sharing!

I'm working through this on multiple levels right now. Initially, I just always felt like something bad was going to happen. I distinctly remember a conversation with my now-husband early in our relationship. He said something like, "I'll love you forever, I can't imagine my life without you." I freaked. I said something like, "Don't you ever say anything like that to me ever again! There is no possible way you can know that! Something bad will happen and it won't work out. I can just feel it, the other shoe is going to drop." I'm happy to say we've now been married four years and so far no extraneous shoes have dropped in this relationship!

I've realized the constant sense of dread and doom was a conditioned response to growing up in an environment where dread and doom were always around the corner. I'm not a child anymore (Thank goodness!) and no more bad things are likely to happen to me than anyone else.

Now I'm dealing with a different, but related, issue.

Sorry, computer glitch, here's the continuation:

Growing up my mom's boyfriend couldn't stand to see me happy. He took a great deal of pleasure from building me up and then ripping me down. Anytime something fun/funny/happy/meaningful happened he was quick to follow it with something emotionally destructive. So I learned to associate good feelings/events with an awful sense of what's to come.

While I've learned to let go of the low-level constant daily dread of bad things, it's uncovered this problem. Anytime I have a lovely conversation with someone, feel connected, or loved, or happy... I immediately shut down once the event is over. My anxiety goes into overdrive and I have trouble calming myself down. It's awful!! But I'm starting to see why it's happening and trying to learn to confront the anxiety, but it's hard. And it's not fair.

Anyway, sorry for the long posts! Just my long-winded way of saying you're not alone. I hope you find some real peace to accompany the outer peace in your life.

I think you're right, Jenny. I often worry that I've become addicted to crisis mode. When things are going wrong and I'm pulling out the stops and gearing up to get through it any way I can, I feel more alive and my brain seems to light up somehow.

But I also know that it tears me up and I have to go through a period of recovery after a crisis. Then I start feeling like life has become flat and uninspiring. It's not a healthy cycle.

I think what I need to do is unwind and appreciate the peaceful times when I can do relaxing things like gardening and watching dramatic shows on TV...instead of feeling like I'm just killing time waiting for the next thing to go all wrong. I used to be able to do that, but somehow I've forgotten how to be at peace...too many things going wrong for too long, I guess.