oh Lady, i can so relate to not being able to get out very much. i'm so sorry you have this issue in your life too.

it is hard, it is very hard. especially when you do work up the 'feel good' enough to get out and do something and it turns out badly : (

i wish i could cruise over in the Calypso with some friends and we could all escape for a cruise somewhere : ) imaginary and all that, but still such a lot of fun : )

we may even be able to coax Gypsy out for a whirl in her Glitter Sub!!! it is a maz ing!!!! Jewells has been made the captain, i believe : )

A mixture of agoraphobia and avoident personality? I can understand you and how you feel. What are these people telling you which is so upsetting?
Its nice to go out to places which arent overrun by people. Spending time in nature, away from crowds. I tend to follow a routine where I go out during the times when not too many people are out. I tend to get irritated due to the over stimulating, loud environments. Shopping can be stressful, but if there is a goal in mind, I dont really pay attention to anyone else.
Which places cause you to panic?

Aww lady, I can relate as well. My health issues make it so I have many days that I have to stay inside & take care of myself. When I do have to go out it's hard for me with anxiety. Try to be gentle with yourself as you are doing the best you can
Healing hugs

i'm so sorry you are going through this.....i can definitley relate as i have been having a harder and harder time getting out....

it does help me to have something grounding in my pocket when i go out,like a smooth stone.

it scares me at times,because of my hypervigilance,ironically i often dissociate in public...

i so hope you can overcome this,it does get harder for me the longer i stay inside.

in the meantime,you have us here to be there for you.

much support.

Thank you all for the replies. I find myself doing nothing but praying these days, inside or out. It helps. I keep a grounding stone and my medicine bag on me at all times.

the places that make me panic? Everywhere. I'm an indigenous person and well, there's a lot of racism in this world. Also, I'm a woman. I don't think there's a woman alive today who hasn't been harassed in public.

I've felt like a magnet my entire life for all kinds of malicious people. It doesn't mean there aren't good ones out there. I have a lot of good people in my life. Unfortunately they all live states away from me aside from my husband, but we still stay in touch by phone and letters. I've been encouraged to get out and for the past couple of years it's just gotten harder and harder. For whatever reason, when I put myself out into the world, it always seems like horrible things happen to me. Or some random stupid thing will happen that might not even have anything to do with me but makes me anxious or scared. (I know I have a lot of empathy and it is hard to shut off feeling so much.) Basically, where human beings are in mass quantities is scary to me. Even on my own porch I don't feel safe because I live in a city and we're all jam packed together in here so there's no privacy anywhere it seems.

I definitely would love to go into the woods. It's where I'm from and that's part of it too. I live far, far away from my birth place and I sometimes feel like the homesickness is going to kill me. I don't like the city.
I don't even do social media anymore because I was attacked almost daily on there. (Does DS count? ;)) I feel safe here because I'm anonymous.
I think I do a good job at taking care of myself. But is avoiding outside taking care? Is being depressed and alone in my bed every single day helping me? I'm not sure. I know I can't go back to when I was "healthy". I know it's summer and I'm always worse in the summer. But I've been feeling this way for over a year now and when the panicky feelings started to hit just by me sitting on my porch I knew I should seek some support.

Thank you all for listening (reading). All that you shared speaks to me. I have audio triggers for epilepsy so I can't be around loud sounds. I have to wear headphones everywhere. So that's hard too. I keep it low enough to hear people if they're speaking directly and closely to me but even my husband's family (the only people I know here) just ignore me or act like I'm invisible even though I've told them repeatedly..."I can hear you...and you can totally come sit by me and talk to me." I've never not felt like a burden or a nuisance because of my disabilities and it just seems like no matter how much I try to insinuate myself and accommodate myself into their "abled" world, it seems like the world just doesn't want anything to do with me. People have told me in a racist way my whole life "to go back to the rez" etc. calling me "savage" etc. I've had to correct my husband's family so many times and been subject to their subtle racism every time I see them. My husband apologizes constantly but it's not his place to. He's not doing it. He tries to educate them. I try to educate people constantly. "Please don't say that. It's hurtful." People don't care.

I'm getting too into it so I'll just pause and step back now. Intergenerational trauma is real. It's horrible. And I have to live with it. And unfortunately I don't live near my native community so I don't have the option to ask them for local help. I'm thankful I have people to talk to in my family...but honestly, most of them are just as afraid as I am to leave their houses. It all just gets too much.

Thank you all again for your feedback. It just helps to get it out sometimes.

Growing up in an abusive home means growing up without boundaries, so just speaking for me I like having my boundaries and my solitude as an adult. Not being violated, having room to breathe is great for me.

As for people, folks think I'm kidding when I say that I hope heaven is universal enough that humans aren't the only species there. I think we've got great brains, but somehow too many of us seem to lack the heart to live up to our kindness potential. I don't think it's a flaw in me to have noticed that as an abuse survivor.

I don't know, I guess I'm saying be gentle with yourself.

You're definitely right, it helps to get it out sometimes. I have had to deal with racism too, I empathize with you & im sorry. I'm mixed but on my Mom's side we are Taino Indian (the indigenous people of Puerto Rico) actually it's interesting I actually did one of those DNA tests & the results were rather interesting. They broke my Native American into two sections it said I was a bigger percentage of Native American but also East Asian Native American. I look very indigenous as well so had to deal with stupid comments throughout my life as well. Back when I was healthy enough to work & used to bartend, a group of guys would always come in & call me Pocahontas, also one time a guy came in & said "oh hello there young squaw" I totally ignored him & walked away. There's some people out there that are clueless, but there's also good people out there. I just wanted to let you know I relate.
I hope you get to the woods at some point so you can get to let nature in & listen to the beautiful sounds, for me its a calming feeling. In the mean time little things I like to do is just notice the little signs like pretty little birds I might see when I look out the window or a nice breeze from the wind, it makes me feel like nature is visiting me.
I hope you have a good night :)

For sure. Nature soothes. I'll simulate the feeling by looking at photos, listening to nature sounds, watching nature docs. Etc. That's what I'm getting ready to do now. Moment to moment. I'm pretty good about turning a bad day around. Thanks mujicaptsd. I'm doing my best. I definitely enjoy solitude. I come from an abusive home too. But venturing out...shouldn't everyone feel safe doing that?

And lilmissy7, yes...you totally understand what I mean. It's hard to "recover" or "get over" these things when they're still happening today. People want to erase us or pretend we don't matter it seems. It's disgusting hearing those things said to you and I've had those exact things said to me numerous times as well. Maybe eventually they'll come up with something more original? ;) Gah.

Thanks again everyone. Things are feeling a bit lighter already.

Lady, I often have to cover my ears, but I have tinnitus and it is worsened with stress, so I combine sounds and lip reading at times. Otherwise it's as loud as a waterfall. I tell people about the water fall effect and ask them to sit closer or go for a walk with me.
It might help?
J.

I'm sorry you are going though this. It all sounds so familiar. I'm making myself a prisoner in my own home, becoming basically a hermit - not going anywhere, or doing things I used to enjoy (even indoor things) to avoid triggers. I'm also avoiding most people.
I'm REALLY hoping this will get better in time, and sooner than later. It's a bit scary to be a bit past middle-age and being in this state wondering if there is enough time to get enough healing to ever get some enjoyment out of life again.
I hate that anyone is going through things like this. I hope you are able to have more peace and strength, and soon.

Thanks so much all. Today was a much better day. I did a lot of crying last night and that's usually beneficial because I tend to let so much build up in me without any release. Sometimes, I just need to let myself have a bad day.