still trying to get my heart rate down. Started about an hour ago at work in the lab, had to leave for home. Couldn't drive. two of my coworkers took me home with my car and one of theirs to get back. so lucky to have them and their support.

it started with an off colored sexual joke made by one of my coworkers during a break, that when I'm not like this, normally wouldn't bother me. But I am like this right now, so it seeped into my brain digging up my ugly. It happened so fast I didn't even get a chance to use grounding techniques to try to stop it. All the smells and the feeling of intrusion and pain slammed my senses. Within minutes, I was cold to the core and in the bathroom hurling. Figured that would be the end of it, but when I returned to my lab bench, one of the male service men were there fixing the instrument nearest my plate assays bench. 

Even though i know this man, and I like him and we usually have great conversations, he triggered my irrational fears to the max. Within minutes, I was sweating, dizzy and on the verge of tears that wouldn't come out in public because they never do, which all makes for a frustrating and frightening mix of feelings. All of which makes me hate myself in the moment. I can't stand to be this way. I can't stand that others see me this way. I know that is my sick mind at work, but knowing it doesn't stop it.

I'm so tired. I have to think with my healthier mind. I need a shower, a cry, and sleep, that elusive little bugger.

I won't be going back to work for a while~