Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I am getting ready to find a Trauma Therapist... again. I found one last year when I began to have full on panic attacks again, after being okay since 1997. Something wasn't right about this guy, so after 3-4 sessions I stopped going, trusting my gut on the issue. I checked in with self to be sure I wasn't just running from the work itself & found I was quite willing, & it wasn't me. Thank God & myself for the little recovery I do have in knowing when to listen to that quiet small voice inside which warns us of danger, telling us to change the path.
I had been in recovery for alcoholism & addiction for almost 7 yrs at that the point in 1997 when I lost it completely, trashing all I built up in those 7-10 yrs of recovery & did what we call a geographical move to stop the ensuing feeling of disaster. The frightening part is my mind went into complete survival mode producing a new or old personality which took over for approx 6 months. Up to the 1997 episode I had no symptoms since the beginning of recovery in 1989-ish.
My survival was that I covered it all up by smoking pot from the age of 13 through till almost 30 yrs old & ran from relationship & living place whenever the threat was perceived to be real. I smoked the pot everyday from 13 to 29 years of age. No exaggeration, everyday.
I had P.T.S.D. attacks & panic attacks in beginning of recovery, but was not aware that's what they were.
In my first year or 2 of recovery I read the book, "Broken Toys Broken Dreams," by Terry Kellog ?Spelling? It showed me how I had all the symptoms & brought me to a knowing in my mind of what had happened to me, but that's as far as I got on my own with mindful awareness. There was a therapist who diagnosed me with it at that time, but for some reason I was never referred to a 'Trauma Therapist.'
I survived from my returning to recovery in 1997 because of a dead friend who came to me in a dream, explaining to me that the truth would set me free, no matter what that truth may be.
The past 2 years have been a slow return to the symptoms of panic, P.T.S.D., & inability to sleep nights, depression which can't be called depressed, it's more just a completely numb thing.
Some memories are returning, like my mom's boyfriend attempting to rape me after kidnapping me from my friends house, and just a few weird pieces to the puzzle. The bigger picture is still locked away somewhere. But, I seem to have access to it in bits & pieces of random stuff that comes with the waves of emotion, spiritual readings, movies, commercials and just daily life experiences, all are triggering the memories and the panic attacks. Only a few full on P.T.S.D. episodes have happened in the past 2 years. However the anxiety is constantly there & the panic attacks are triggered daily.
I was evaluated by a couple of docs working for Social Security in my review process this year, both docs not doing a good job of evaluation. My mistake was, when I saw the shrink I was in a strong denial stage, attempting to keep sane and denying anything really wrong with me. I really lied to my detriment, not that they weren't trying to say I'm well anyways, as that's their job. I minimized everything like I do when trying to keep myself from losing it altogether. I should have been honest with how bad it's been getting, but when I am this vulnerable I do that to survive. A great survival/coping mechanism in the past that is now threatening to keep me from true evaluation and receiving the help I really need.
The anniversary of the biggest trauma is 2 weeks away. This is the closest to the raw emotion connected to the shock I have been in decade & a half to the reality of the experiences & my reactions to them.
I figured I should just write as much about what I believe to be my situation at present, so as to let you all know who I am. I do this with my other support networks because if I don't let you know the real me then you have little hope of helping me with your experiences.
I have been the strong kid, courage under fire, living full on for my family since the trauma happened, until I am so threatened & vulnerable again that I must run somehow, somewhere, or to something.
I have created a conscious contact with a power greater than myself through the twelve step programs. This spiritual connection has proven to be my saving Grace throughout the whole experience. But, it cannot save me if I am running scared. I see I am ready for more deep recovery work on the trauma itself now. I pray I don't snap into complete denial or old survival tactics daily. I have found a few new tidbits of info which explain some of my unhealthy behaviors of the past & now. They do not work anymore. The trauma years were from 11 to 18 or 20. I am now 51 yrs old, & beating myself up with the,
" You outta be weller by now," crap lately.
I have an insane amount of grief, shame, numbness, extreme emotional reactions, immobilization in daily life functioning, keeping intimate relationships at arms length for the safety in vulnerability reaction, memory loss, loss of concentration, feelings of worthlessness, all fueled fro the original traumas, and the physical conditions I am currently dealing with which make it impossible for me to do what I was able to do in the past.
I will try to write in my journal the trauma experiences which set the ball rolling so I can print them off to give to my therapist when I find one.So if you feel like knowing more you are welcome to read my journals. I haven't written any of it yet.... that I can remember.
If anyone has any info concerning where I'm at which could help me find the right therapist, or help myself through this so I don't have to run or be numb please feel free to share with me. Not sleeping well and tired from writing now. Going to force myself into a hot bath & pray for sleep.
Thanks for letting me ramble on & on.
In Love Light Truth & Service,
"Stubborn" TerrieAnn
ralop
I had been in recovery for alcoholism & addiction for almost 7 yrs at that the point in 1997 when I lost it completely, trashing all I built up in those 7-10 yrs of recovery & did what we call a geographical move to stop the ensuing feeling of disaster. The frightening part is my mind went into complete survival mode producing a new or old personality which took over for approx 6 months. Up to the 1997 episode I had no symptoms since the beginning of recovery in 1989-ish.
My survival was that I covered it all up by smoking pot from the age of 13 through till almost 30 yrs old & ran from relationship & living place whenever the threat was perceived to be real. I smoked the pot everyday from 13 to 29 years of age. No exaggeration, everyday.
I had P.T.S.D. attacks & panic attacks in beginning of recovery, but was not aware that's what they were.
In my first year or 2 of recovery I read the book, "Broken Toys Broken Dreams," by Terry Kellog ?Spelling? It showed me how I had all the symptoms & brought me to a knowing in my mind of what had happened to me, but that's as far as I got on my own with mindful awareness. There was a therapist who diagnosed me with it at that time, but for some reason I was never referred to a 'Trauma Therapist.'
I survived from my returning to recovery in 1997 because of a dead friend who came to me in a dream, explaining to me that the truth would set me free, no matter what that truth may be.
The past 2 years have been a slow return to the symptoms of panic, P.T.S.D., & inability to sleep nights, depression which can't be called depressed, it's more just a completely numb thing.
Some memories are returning, like my mom's boyfriend attempting to rape me after kidnapping me from my friends house, and just a few weird pieces to the puzzle. The bigger picture is still locked away somewhere. But, I seem to have access to it in bits & pieces of random stuff that comes with the waves of emotion, spiritual readings, movies, commercials and just daily life experiences, all are triggering the memories and the panic attacks. Only a few full on P.T.S.D. episodes have happened in the past 2 years. However the anxiety is constantly there & the panic attacks are triggered daily.
I was evaluated by a couple of docs working for Social Security in my review process this year, both docs not doing a good job of evaluation. My mistake was, when I saw the shrink I was in a strong denial stage, attempting to keep sane and denying anything really wrong with me. I really lied to my detriment, not that they weren't trying to say I'm well anyways, as that's their job. I minimized everything like I do when trying to keep myself from losing it altogether. I should have been honest with how bad it's been getting, but when I am this vulnerable I do that to survive. A great survival/coping mechanism in the past that is now threatening to keep me from true evaluation and receiving the help I really need.
The anniversary of the biggest trauma is 2 weeks away. This is the closest to the raw emotion connected to the shock I have been in decade & a half to the reality of the experiences & my reactions to them.
I figured I should just write as much about what I believe to be my situation at present, so as to let you all know who I am. I do this with my other support networks because if I don't let you know the real me then you have little hope of helping me with your experiences.
I have been the strong kid, courage under fire, living full on for my family since the trauma happened, until I am so threatened & vulnerable again that I must run somehow, somewhere, or to something.
I have created a conscious contact with a power greater than myself through the twelve step programs. This spiritual connection has proven to be my saving Grace throughout the whole experience. But, it cannot save me if I am running scared. I see I am ready for more deep recovery work on the trauma itself now. I pray I don't snap into complete denial or old survival tactics daily. I have found a few new tidbits of info which explain some of my unhealthy behaviors of the past & now. They do not work anymore. The trauma years were from 11 to 18 or 20. I am now 51 yrs old, & beating myself up with the,
" You outta be weller by now," crap lately.
I have an insane amount of grief, shame, numbness, extreme emotional reactions, immobilization in daily life functioning, keeping intimate relationships at arms length for the safety in vulnerability reaction, memory loss, loss of concentration, feelings of worthlessness, all fueled fro the original traumas, and the physical conditions I am currently dealing with which make it impossible for me to do what I was able to do in the past.
I will try to write in my journal the trauma experiences which set the ball rolling so I can print them off to give to my therapist when I find one.So if you feel like knowing more you are welcome to read my journals. I haven't written any of it yet.... that I can remember.
If anyone has any info concerning where I'm at which could help me find the right therapist, or help myself through this so I don't have to run or be numb please feel free to share with me. Not sleeping well and tired from writing now. Going to force myself into a hot bath & pray for sleep.
Thanks for letting me ramble on & on.
In Love Light Truth & Service,
"Stubborn" TerrieAnn
ralop
deleted_user
Anniversaries are difficult. Know that you are not alone and that anytime you need to talk, someone will be here... Best wishes always.
ralop
Thank you. I guess I just realized I am a lot more isolated than ever before in my recovery years. That may be pushing the fear factor a bit. I called the one person I know would know what I am experiencing, to talk, and when she didn't answer I realized I haven't a clue who else to call. I haven't been going to my recovery hall at all lately as I don't really drive anymore and other physical medical conditions won't allow me to get there on any regular basis. I attended meetings there very regular for 20 years. Now I am lucky to get there once a month. As a result I don't have as many intimate relationships to fall back upon when this sort of thing comes at me. I suppose the abandonment button is being pushed with that issue. I also feel disconnected from the group that helped save my life 20 plus years ago when getting sober. So, it seems all the issues & conditions are complicating each other. The one good thing I can say about it is that the trauma is not looking like it is going to be easily pushed to the back burner, or back into denial, nor minimization this time around. I believe it is demanding to be taken care of from every direction it can. If I hadn't found the support groups here on DS I don't know where I'd be right now. I can say I doubt it would have been a very good place. Thanks for being here!
deleted_user
DS is a great sight. I have been in that same position of not knowing whom to call when I needed advice many times and yet here, I often find someone is always around. No matter how difficult the journey ahead may be, remember that even though we can not meet face-to-face, you have support.... any time you need it.
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