Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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It's becoming real to me how traumatic my life has been. I talked to my therapist about some specific abuse I endured at my husbands hand for years. I said "I should have known better." He said his stomach hurt to hear me say that.
I forget how manipulative my husband was. There's no way I could have known better - between him and my upbringing. It seemed normal. It was awful.
My therapist was very understanding and kind. We talked about memories and how my thoughts concerning them maybe aren't so reliable because I blame myself for the actions of others. I give everyone else the benefit of the doubt bc they can only do what they know how to do and I'm assuming they're not malicious but me, I forget I can only do what I know and I just get so mad at myself that I should've.....it wasn't my fault, not the lack of boundaries, not unwanted touching, not the name calling or the physical abuse, not any of the rape, none of it. I'm not responsible for their actions.
im a bit anxious tonight. We used the back to the future analogy or getting into the time machine we never know how we are going to impact things. Do we go back and learn and make things better or do we make things worse? When I'm back in time, I have agreed to remember that it wasn't my fault and to look for things I can take with me - red flags and such, reasons to do things differently in the future, etc.
Instead, she told me that my being molested at age 10 was only going to get in the way of my father's ministry, which was more important, and for me to shut up about it. Then she went on to tell me that if I spoke up and it hurt my father's reputation as a minister, God would send me to hell for thwarting the work of my father as God's chosen servant. When that didn't work, she went on to tell me that since I was damaged goods now after surviving sexual assault God didn't want me any more anyway, and I was going to hell no matter what.
I was 10 years old, and broken by 2 sexual assaults. I'm amazed I didn't kill myself. she doubled down on her opinions all the way until I was 52 years old. That's when I visited her for Christmas and instead of getting a Merry Christmas from mom she sent me to hell with a bah humbug at every meal for 3 days until, getting no rise out of me, she finally kicked me out of the house and I had to go to a hotel.
My therapist told me to give up on her, she wasn't going to change, she'd never stop telling me I was scum and I was going to hell. By then I was an ordained minister, a hospital chaplain, which really ticked her off because I was serving God when in her opinion I was supposed to be hell bound as somebody God didn't want because she didn't want me.
She never wanted kids anyway. When I was 4 years old, she had her second child, my little sister. Ticked off at having another dependent to care for, the day she got home with my baby sister my mother killed the family kitten in front of me because it demanded too much nurture and care from her. She made me watch her break the kitten's neck so I would see what would happen to me next if I bothered her with my childish, 4 year old's needs.
By age 9 she had me move from my bedroom in the house to a bedroom out over the garage where we lived.
I was a good kid, I never deserved any of this abuse. You don't deserve it, either. It's their issue, not yours, Marah.