I envy folks who can identify their PTSD triggers readily, too, arfie. I had a couple of PTSD panic attacks out of nowhere yesterday in an otherwise peaceful and productive day, and I have no idea why. I just managed to keep going on somehow, don't know how about that, either. PTSD is so mysterious.

Its nice to see you arfie. Totally get the needs sometimes not to be in the mix of things. I have dozens of triggers that i can and do recognize almost immediately, but it does still surprise me when a new one, or rather an undecipherable one cause lord knows they at new, rises to the surface. You are making total sense in mho. Triple hugs of support

It makes sense Arfie. A lot of sense. As you’re aware I’ve have been for a while struggling with my own trigger issues with DS and posting on the group forums.

I think I mostly understand why DS can be my trigger especially on the group sites. But with the diverse range of my traumas stretching over several years I sometimes have no idea what will set me off and I often struggle with PTSD “amnesia”. The majority of my childhood trauma is blocked out until I received a rude enlightening in December. Prior to then all childhood trauma flashbacks were blackout sessions I’d have no memory of after. Since the enlightenment I’ve returned to the blackout flashbacks, but it has left DS as an uneasy place to travel because I know the triggers are still there but not where.

I’m still chewing on the term “toxic stigma”. I’m not entirely awake yet this morning. I’m having a little difficulty contrctualizing it.

I am proud and inspired that you made the step to rejoin the forum with this post though. I made my first attempt last week as part of my exposure therapy.

From my diverse experiences and issues, I can relate with what you’re saying. Each of us has faced our own unique traumas.

Hugs and support, Arfie.

In the big, broad stroke, stigma is one of the number one bully tools in my broken life, all from the way from the kindergarten experience of being stuffed in a playground trash can by an older child who "knew what to do with White Trash" to the work-a-day mind fuckery of getting my steel toe boots off before I took up my mother duties. I think I needed a longer commute for the daily constructo to mommy transition. . . My hyper-vigilance believes ^it^ can spot a stigma peddler before said stigma peddler can open their mouths, much less publish a book.

Ms Lillian Glass published the book which started the "Toxic People" craze in 1995. It was a goodly while before her fad hit my radar. I don't recall hearing the phrase until it became a forum darling here in the DS PTSD, but for sure my first uncounted times of hearing the phrase put it in the same trash can as the White Trash stigma. Stigmatizers will stigmatize. Ply therapy tools and steer a wide berth around the mob.

What year was it that my middle aged son and his young-at-heart pals dubbed me, "Toxic Mom?" At least 3 years. For sure, I relate more closely to the people who are being called Toxic People than I do to the non-toxic (?) on the other side of the Toxic Landfill fence.

Sorting. . . Why can't I be Normie Mom?

Big hug for you Arf…… I'm not aware of what causes me to have panic attacks most of the time....

I don't have them often now fortunately but they seem to come out of nowhere

I don't have flashbacks however I disassociate at times …. That can seem like a comfortable place that I don't want to come back from at times.....

Toxic People sounds interesting.... I'll have to look it up

I'm sorry you've gone through the terrible time that you have sweetie.....

It's good to see you here...… Big hug and a blessing.....xo

Hugs Arfie, it's good to see you here.

I'm with you. I am still trying to identify mine. In fact, things that never triggered me before trigger me bad now. Example: I LOVE the tv show "House." Never was a trigger. House walks with a cane and is a very angry man on a narcotic pain medicine. I also just described my dad.

There was an episode where House was the patient and for a moment, he looked like my dad. On another episode, he hit something with his cane in anger, It was also a reminder of my father.

I asked my therapist why this never happened before when I watched it. She said it was a matter of survival to supress what I was feeling.

So yes, still learning mine. I hope one day I can watch "House" again but my therapist and I thought I should step away for now.

Big hug. You aren't alone in navigating this.

It seems that we are running out of descriptions of symptoms and names for what we are going through that haven’t become trendy or so over used to the point of misuse that they’ve lost meaning.

“Toxic” didn’t enter my vocabulary as a descriptive until about 5 years ago as a mean of describing people who’s unhealthy and negative attitudes and actions were mentally damaging to every one around them.

I may not be coherently understanding this thread though. Lately my brain has been overloaded by all the new terminology from DBT classes and exposure therapy that I’m slightly drowning in lingo overload.

For me, terms like “survivor” or “victim” present or past tense are trigger sensitive for me. I’ve spent a lifetime fighting other's assumptions that I am only the product of my abuse, that my choices and life is only because of being abused. Those two terms instantly wave a red cape in front of me when used to describe me because even though I survived abuse and was a victim, I refuse to be one anymore and my abuse doesn’t get credit for my choices and decisions of how and who I chose to be.

I think I may have just went sideways again. I apologize. I’m just coming off the post disorientation of today’s exposure therapy. It was a particularly confusing experience today for both my psychologist & I.

Hugs and support to everyone.

Big hugs Arfie!

I.F. I am understanding this psycho snot knot yet, I am far from confident in my understanding of ^it^. The wonderful responses I've gotten on this thread are boosting my confidence a bit, but only a bit. I deeply appreciate the sort space and encouragement. Still sorting. . .

I have done enough environmental engineering and bio-remediation to feel pretty knowledgeable on toxic hazards. The first umpteen "Toxic People" discussions I listened to silently before I walked away found me counting the toxic hazards the folks in the discussion were wearing and/or carrying in their tech pouches. Pots calling kettles black in my enviro-sense. Humans. . . Go figure. . . Insert Mark Twain here. "There's nothing common about sense."

It was no great surprise when my middle aged son and his young-at-heart peers started calling me Toxic Mom. They've been calling me names since they were teenagers. Not everybody outgrows that stage. Maybe his wisdom of, "If the shoe fits, wear it" really does apply. Maybe I *just* really am all those toxic things. The doomsayers who assured me I would never be worth a damn were right. You can take the White Trash out of the landfill but you can't take the landfill out of the White Trash. Healing is only for the gifted at birth.

Another part of me wonders if I *just* need to relearn everything I know about toxic hazards. A new and improved market for my bioremediation techniques?

I don’t find you in the least bit “toxic” or “white trash”, Arfie. I find you to be refreshingly brutally honest, confident in your opinion as your opinion but not law, wise in a uniquely different way than most people are not capable of perceiving, and driven. You don’t hold back and follow but charge forward and clear a new path if the one you’re currently on isn’t leading you where you want to go.

My mother in law likes to call herself the “Wicked Stepmom” and she considers it a complement if my husband calls her that.

Maybe if you are “toxic” you’re the kind of toxin that is needed to do what’s necessary that only a toxin can do. Because from my experience in knowing you, you have definitely been what I needed when I needed someone. Especially when I needed a realistic view that cut through the bs I was drowning in.

I like you just the way you are Arfie.

I also had to leave when I was triggered and for a long time I was doing it a lot!!! Everyone has different things to be triggered from and we all have to navigate them. I know we have problems on the board at times but I think everyone does a pretty good job of evolving from* it*, always a learning experience in there somewhere.

Nothing wrong with it taking time for yourself to figure it all out and take care of yourself. I cannot add much more than what others have offered here.

Hopefully that made sense, I am a bit brain dead tonight

I think a lot of people need DS breaks at time.....

On top of possibly being triggered we see other peoples pain over and over again and if we're in a bad place ourselves it can be really hard to do

We can't give what we don't have.... I have to take days off of my position here at times especially if there's been problems on boards

I believe taking care of ourselves first is wise and often what we need..... xo