First breathe.
Hello and welcome since I don't remember a previous post.
A lot of the time defining the bad of the day seems to help, by putting a name on what is bothering you so much. The unknowns are scarier than the known's.

It will also help us to understand.
But whether you share them or not, you posted here so you survived them. The same with flashbacks, I get them all the time but by acknowledging the event and harm has passed they are easier to calm with practice. What sort of grounding tools do you use?
If you are serious about dying then go to the nearest ER and tell them, including any plans, they will get you a bed.
Gentle hugs
J..

Gentle hugs.

I could have written this myself. I try calm myself down by saying its not really that bad its just symptoms of depression making me feel this way. None of what u saod is a fact, its a symptom of ptsd and depression thoughts. I hope this helps u to view it as a set of symptoms too as this really helps me sometimes. Hugs

And yeah I already posted before under new here. Thanks for the well wishes still just struggling

No one is worthless.

I get the feeling I do. The difference between Knowing and feeling...well it never made it easy for me.

Yeah. My brain is constantly struggling with what I know to be logically true and what I feel. And all too often my feelings get in the way and screw up my entire life. I've had so many therapists say thoughts lead to feelings. With me my feelings happen first and eventually the thoughts catch up with it. Today is actually a better day and I'm kind of going through a boredom stage at the moment. I keep having so much stuff that I can do and not having any desire to do it. But at least I'm not in quite as much of a funk today

Sorry about that I missed your first post because of the way this site is set up, only the most recent and commented post show on the page. I did scroll back farther to find it.
feelings can be tripped by many things, a scent, color music? Dreams even, daydreams.
cinnamon leads me to cinnamon rolls, leads me to my Aunts house at six lakes and the feeling of calm there among the fields, Animals, the woods that surrounded the horse corral...to feeling the nose of the horse as it ate an apple from my hand. I can choose to stop and mentally stay in any one of those stations. If I feel anxious or triggered I can smell cinnamon and find a calm spot easy enough.

So what good feelings have you in your memory files to use to take you to a spot to calm? bring them forward and practice using them as a path to a calm place.

I have very few good memories or good feeling. 30 years of abuse makes it really difficult to having a good memory

I use to have barely any memories besides the abuse or traumatizing events.
I have worked 6 years here and with my councilor to remember the spaces of time in between. Just in the last year or two have they been coming forward for me. The worse still are more abundant but I now know they are not all. Practice has helped to move around the boulders to get to the better stuff. A few is enough to start with.

Brain, when depressed, we tend to only remember the bad stuff, the pain, the traumas. I agree with Jewells. We need to try to remember it was not all bad. Many times it may have been time away from the abuser/s. We believe that you are worthy and were lied to by adults when just a child. You are grown now, and sound too kind to be hurting people all the time. Comforting hugs.

Thx jewells and Simpsonsok. I honestly still am not aware of very many good memories and I'm just trying to move on from here and make new memories with people that love me very much. Have nothing to do with my father anymore and am limiting my contact with my mother. I know that I need to focus on some self-care desperately again because June is the anniversary of when it all started. And I have not been treating myself very well because of it so I need to take control of my life instead of letting all of my disorders take control of me. I decided to start my own PHP until I can get into Sheppard Pratt. I did it last year around this time when things were disastrous so it's time to do it again.

Brain, I had to look back to childhood. Then found some from my teen years, and later. It is a challenge to remember the good times only to have them followed by the rough ones, but we do get better at it. Getting better is a slow process, and so we learn to count the steps in our progress. Think it is a great idea to start your own PHP while you wait. Healing and comforting hugs.

There is muscle memory that can be used for good. Depending on what you remember go through the motions of actually doing it or imaging doing it with the movements. Then look around in your minds eye to the place and details around you at that time that made you feel good or safe,. Describe them in words , stretching to see all that was in that moment , write it down.

Ex. At my grandfathers house out the back door past the water pump on the porch is a path that lead to a pine forest. The path is sandy and one side is a large patch of wild plums that are taller than I am, if they are ripe I can pocket a couple. After that I am in the shade of the trees walking towards the creek stepping over roots that come to the surface through the loamy sand . Up ahead is my favorite tree with it's large roots like small benches reaching out. I sit down and listen to the sounds of the creek birds and animals. I study the shapes of the trees and how their shadows create a mottled pattern of some yellows, light greens and darker ones along with some umber of the barks of other foliage, I breathe in the scent of the place pine and moss in the slight breeze. If I brought my paper and pencil I draw what I see and what I hear
No time , no people , no fear. Just feeling soothed and safe.

Hello Activebrain. I too can relate to the core of what you are saying here, especially the differences between what I know and what I feel, and the 30 years, and etc etc.

The good does have its place, but as you know so hard to dig out at first. It will get easier the more you practice at it.

One of the things I had to do for myself years ago, was put an obstacle between my feelings and my thoughts.

as you said, I too feel first. and then that leads to thoughts based on those feelings instead of based on logic.

one of the things I would do to get between my feelings and the thoughts it would lead to was to give my self physical chores or tasks to do, be it household chore, or an art project, or a creative writing period, of shopping for a hard to find bargain on something I needed etc etc.

Once I picked one of those things to do, I focus on it. I keep my mind on what I am doing completely and I take mental note of everything I see, touch , feel, smell, hear, and think related to the task. I do this to keep what I feel from becoming the focus of all my thoughts.

maybe it could help you . good luck and triple hugs of support~