Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I can’t today. There’s not enough time to process. I can’t cope with anything today. I cleaned. I cooked. I did everything I usually do on my day off. The difference is it’s two days after I signed an agreement in mediation and I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s two days after I listened to a mediator talk about what he said about me as if I’ve not been including him in doctors visits and life changes. I ABSOLUTELY HAVE. It’s sending a message asking what he thinks is the best way to handle an agreement to get one of those “thumbs down” likes and nothing else. It’s being required to sign the title of a vehicle over to him within five days and he’s not able to meet and not responding with the info I’d need from the vehicle to put on the paperwork. I can guess. But I want to at least know that my tag number is what I think it is. It’s going back to work tomorrow as if nothing has changed. It’s a change in our routine and wondering if I made the right decision. It’s a what have I done attitude about everything and maybe we just experienced one giant manipulation or maybe im exactly who he paints me to be. It’s barely having my own family and not having his. I hate everything except those beautiful kids. My insides are ugly. Eventually that stuff comes out. It’s crying a lot and eating too much chocolate. Thinking things are moving when they’re not. Not able to focus. Not able to remember things I’ve just done or said and wondering if my bank account is where I think it is. It’s panicking over every single detail. But I’m taking deep breaths. Still checking the account like maybe I forgot to pay something or forgot something is coming out. It’s not knowing how to spend my tax return. Not knowing if hell actually pay the bills he’s agreed to pay. It’s a lot of unknowns and I am so stressed. I just hate it all.
If he has not accompanied you to appointment before separation, have that removed, his participation was his choice. But you can email and cc your therapist or another party of upcoming appointments (36 hours notice or more is best, but if it's an acute situation then as soon as possible) so he can participate if he chooses.
By participate I mean meet you at appointment not ride with you. If he shows great, if he doesn't record it. If something serious comes up message and email with your secondary cc.
If he wants you to jump to his thumbs down, don't.
State the time and place and ask that he will be there. You are juggling the kids appointment, naps meals...he only needs to handle himself.
When court comes or counselor/mediator, you will have records of attempts and compliance from your side. He will need to answer from his side.
And the secondary cc will also be able to verify info they have received so there will be no "I didn't see that or it was too late." Emergencies happen, as due fevers tonsils and earaches, these are acute situations where a message is good enough.
You are going through a transition so meeting him for any reason is not a social event at this time, it has to have boundaries defined. I can say it will get easier as he finds out he can't just jerk or snap to get you to jump. Years from now you will both be part of graduations etc. any event of importance with your children, You will both be proud.
Support and hugs,
J.
Sad to say, I'm twice divorced. Not due to the usual factors of infidelity or physical abuse or verbal abuse or lack of contributing to marital finances. I was faithful, never abusive in any way, and put two spouses through grad school to launch careers. However, my PTSD was such that I just was not a satisfying intimate partner to my spouses. Both marriages ended in boredom rather than drama. The drama came in the divorce proceedings in court.
In the first divorce my spouse took the upper hand and hired a professional who used profanity to call me names to intimidate me. It worked. By the second divorce, though, I was wiser, and I hired a professional who asserted my rights. She didn't use profanity or call names, but she stood for my rights and drew solid boundaries. It was a rough divorce, but I wasn't pushed around and I came out of it better than the first time.
What I learned was to assert the rights the court system gave me no matter how rotten I might feel from the personal issues going on in the grief of the end of the marriage. That's why this sentence jewells wrote spoke for me and what I did, too: "You are going through a transition so meeting him for any reason is not a social event at this time, it has to have boundaries defined."
Keep what is social and what is your boundaries clear, and you'll get through this like I got through my second divorce, ok? We're here for you in support.