This week at therapy....intensive outpatient treatment.....I've had a really hard time focus.

I'm adjusting to lower level of care and being back at work. 

My mom said via facetime to my three year old last night "WOW, how much did you eat? Look at that BIG belly!"

I don't know what boundaries I want with my parents and every time I think about needing them I feel unreasonable. Mind you, it's a lot more than body comments from a former anorexic mom of a bulimic/orthorexic. 

I have been feeling insignificant and invisible everywhere.

I'm struggling because I'm the parent with boundaries and our fun is scheduled. I miss being spontaneous but I don't know how to parent and be spontaneous. 

Money is tight. 

One woman in my treatment group is really sick and I'm worried about her.

One young woman reminds me of myself half my life ago and I want to encourage and support her but I feel void of words and retraumatized a lot of times when she shares her experience. Her parents are confusingly supportive. Mine were dissimissive and authoritative. I hate confusion. 

"I just want to go home." 

I feel like I don't belong - anywhere. 

So I've had lots of trouble staying present. I forgot to take my afternoon anxiety meds and if I take it now, my bp will drop significantly after I take my sleep aid/antidepressant. 

I'm tired. I want to be left alone and there's still time left in the day to Mom.....we have to call my ex too who still doesn't pay child support and has evaded being served. I AM PISSED ABOUT THAT!

There's a lot going on. It's no wonder I'm dissociating and having trouble focusing. It's no wonder I threw up my snack today. I need this ride to calm down.