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Yes, CC, this post is inspired by your "No Friends" post. I couldn't comment because ... In the human realm, I am a social basket case. Me? Friends? Yea, I keep them in my flying saucer in the galaxy of pain-free growth.
To have a friend, you must be a friend.
I am so at odds with my own species that most of my face-to-face friends through life have been cross-species friends. I nurture cross-species friendships with friendly actions. I feed them. I offer them warmth. I cleanse their wounds. I care about how they feel. I sit with them when they are inclined to sit and let them go when they have things to do. No explanation needed. Seems allot easier across species lines than across human culture lines.
How do you BE a friend with humans?
To have a friend, you must be a friend.
I am so at odds with my own species that most of my face-to-face friends through life have been cross-species friends. I nurture cross-species friendships with friendly actions. I feed them. I offer them warmth. I cleanse their wounds. I care about how they feel. I sit with them when they are inclined to sit and let them go when they have things to do. No explanation needed. Seems allot easier across species lines than across human culture lines.
How do you BE a friend with humans?
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I don't know how to be a good friend to humans. I just treat my human friends the way I'd want them to treat me. or like an animal. I've found approaching humans as if they're feral dogs is not the worst approach. (Even wolf packs make more social sense to me than hoomins, if I am honest.)
With each failed friendship I learned to 1) trust my gut/instincts about a person and 2) that I grow every time I learn from the failed friendship.
I also believe that saying that people come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime. I can look back on the failed friendships and actually see that they were very successful because I either learned from it and benefited from it or the other person benefited from it in some way. That to me is a successful friendship.
I am now 47 and I have three exceptional friends not including my husband. These three friends have taught me how to hug - which was huge because I didn't like to be touched. They taught me that there are people who will drop everything to come to my aid just as I would for them. They taught me that not everyone has the capacity to listen but they have a heart of gold and really strive to listen to me. Each of my 3 friends gives and takes all that she can which is exactly what I do for them. We don't expect more from the other and we love each other unconditionally.
I have learned so much from all friendships I have had. And for that I am really grateful.
I just did that for a friend I've had since 1983. We've moved across the country from each other, had ups and downs. But it was her 60th birthday and she invited me to her birthday party where she lives now 3 hours away. Snow storms and all, I got in the car so I could be there.
I don't know a lot about friendship and being sparkly and shiny and charming. But I do show up. I do it because I'm so grateful when others show up for me when I'm on the floor myself.
Being there.
My one friend that lives here I don't see much of. Though he's been a friend for a long time.
My spouse-to-be I have only gotten to spend a week together, though we talk daily.
(moving in is anticipated to be a really turbulent flight, I know it's going to be really stressful for us both.)
Animals aren't complicated enough to lie. They are honest...one of my dogs is smart enough to have a mean sense of humor, but he doesn't lie.
He peed himself with joy when I took him for a walk a few days ago...can't say any of my human friends ever get THAT happy to see me... ;p
They had no compassion or empathy for me when I needed their support although I went the extra mile and then some for them.
Maybe is a matter of lack of intelligence on their part.
I no longer seek friendships in real life. Besides I am bored with most people's interests ect. Its all so petty.
I think being a survivor of hard trauma even if you heal turns you into a different person. One with much more compassion, empathy and less prone to be shallow or petty.
As for people, they are a take, take, take and take more group and why wouldn't be, even my therapist tells to stop thinking of others and think of me first. I was not raised that way. You cannot have empathy and compassion for others if you only think of yourself. We have a world of people looking out for themselves first, they will step on you, destroy your career to move ahead, cut you off in line or traffic. If you ask me there needs to be more thinking of others instead of yourself.
There is an old saying "You can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes."
This was my pattern in the past. I still struggle a lot with this issue. I have a hard time knowing or imagining what I have to offer if I am NOT "being there" for someone, so maybe I gravitate to people who are needy or eager to lean on someone and maybe not oriented as much towards giving. However, I am so alert to this issue now, I will never be in a position to feel disappointed and betrayed as I have in the past.
Right now where I fall down as a friend is that I need to be alone a lot and I don't keep the ball rolling. So I don't build on my friendships and move towards greater intimacy, and sometimes they just wither and die from lack of feeding. That's too bad but that's the way it has to be right now because I can't be social very much, it's too stressful and exhausting for me. But it's a very painful situation because my husband is lonely and depressed, and my kids worry that I have no friends. So I feel pressure and shame around this situation.
"How do you BE a friend with humans? "
Hugs arfie, I do miss your input, just wishing I could be around more. I'm feeling pretty alien here.