I'm having a hard time of letting go of the past. Maybe because it doesnt feel like just the past, but it is something that is still current in my life today, just evolving. I had a rough childhood, which probably lead to mental disorders like depression and social anxiety, which made it difficult to make friends or be in any kind of relationship. I started to go to church when I was 20. God changed my life, and I started healing from my problems. Then I met her. We were just friends at first. Eight months later we were dating. She was the first woman I had ever been with. We took things too fast, and eight months later we were getting married. Two years later we had our first child. We eventualy stopped going to church. She ended up having an affiar with my brother. We split up for a short time, in which she slept with another man. I wanted my family to stay together so I worked it out with her. I injured myself at work. I continued to work on light duty despite all the pain I was in. When I got home from work all I wanted to do was lay down and rest. This made my wife very angry. She never understood the pain I was in and complained that I had an addiction to meds, which I never abused. We seperated and I went on disability. She filed for divorce. I knew I had to get us back in church if I wanted to save my marriage. I started attending her former church because I knew she wouldnt go back to ours. Two months later she started to attend to. The pastor there said he would try to help us. She tried staying with me for a short time but it wasnt working out for her, so she got her own place. She ended up sleeping with someone else again (she slept with two others before attending church too). He cut all contact after hooking up with her, and she felt used. She reached out to me, and of course I comforted her and tried to mend our relationship once more. We ended up getting back together and she never went through with the divorce. I would have been better off if I had just let her go. I went from disability to unemployment ( my job wouldnt take me back). I exausted my unemployment and started a workers comp case (I was still suffering from my injury). During this time I was going to college to get a degree. 3 years later I maxed out my finanial aid and had thousands of dollars in student loan debt and still no degree. I didnt think I could work because of my cronic pain. My wife refused to go to work and let me stay home with our kids. We just recently had twins at this time. She was tired of being with me and wanted me gone. I didnt want to leave so she packed a few bags and left and said she wouldnt come back untill I was gone. A week later I packed some clothes and left everything. I was jobless, homeless, carless, and felt worthless. She filed for divorce again. I eventually got a job, then a house and vehicle. Despite how well I was doing she went through with the divorce. To make a long story a little shorter, 5 years later I get a text from a stranger on messenger saying that Kurt (my former pastor that was supposed to help us with our marriage) and my ex had gotten married and are planning on moving out of state. I had no idea they were even in a relationship. I took her to court to try and stop her from moving. Before the hearing they were involved in an accident. Thank God no one was hurt, but I was informed by the mother of his children that one of my daughters was in the floorboard. Apparently they didnt have enough seats for everyone. I brought this to the judges attention at the hearing, but she lied about it and the judge just shrugged it off, saying accidents happen. The judge granted her request to move. A month later, as they were moving out of state, they were involved in another accident. This time resulting in the death of our ten year old son. As if that wasnt bad enough, they totally disregarded my feeling and wishes at the viewing and funeral. Everything was done through their church, and was very one sided. I am currently waiting for another trial for custudy. I am constantly thinking about how Ive been done wrong, or details conserning these events. I have lost my job due to attendance issues. I dont know what to do next. I feel lost. I'm at that point I dont even want to leave my house. But if something doesnt change soon, I'm going to find myself homeless again.