I think things are worse this time of year because his birthday is the 27th and Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday. It stressed me out. I’m sure I always sound like him but today I’m really hearing it - not in the things I say but the way I say things. Noticing it fills me with shame.

Its also just been a long day. I have a sinus infection. It’s been impossible to get into see my own doctor so I applied for financial assistance at the rural health clinic. That was first thing this morning, on my way to town (45 minutes away) for the only available appointment at my daughters pediatricians office. Her fever has been insane this week - jumping from 98 to 103 and overnight peaking at 104-105. We’ve had some scary moments, 2am baths, sleepless nights. I was on with her doc often getting reassurance that things like blue toenails were not an emergency as long as she’s alert and breathing. She was alert, breathing and screaming at me for giving her a bath in the middle of the night. He told me to watch her closely, make sure she was breathing while sleeping etc. and husband was supposed to have the kids as usual Friday/Saturday. I didn’t let him take her. He was mad. He’s continued to say I broke his family apart, stole the kids, and implied yesterday that he doesn’t get to see them. He sees them every weekend. I told him forever ago to pick a week day to take them and offered to pick them up for daycare so he doesn’t have to drive all the way out here twice in 24hrs. He narrowed in on the fact that I’m only offering one weekday. Somehow we got on the subject of that yesterday, concerning little ones fever. I told him he can see them more often if he makes plans. I asked him weeks ago again to pick a weekday because they miss him too. He hasn’t. I’m not going to plan his schedule for him and honestly I hope he doesn’t pick a day because one of the car seats he’s using should be replaced and my lawyer says there’s nothing I can do about it because he insists it’s a new one. It could be but I doubt it. Why else would he have been hiding it from me. That’s a long story. I guess maybe to get in my head and get a reaction out of me. I’m not unreasonable or crazy though. Everything he says I take to my lawyer. I’m venting....he tried to say after my telling him he needed to just make plans and pick a weekday, that he wanted her yesterday- after he’d initially agreed to let me keep her since she’s sick. I kept her and I’m glad I did. I’m not even sure why this feels like a game but it does. There was another one about our vehicles. And then..... I live with my parents mind you and I am thankful for the place BUT it comes with a lot of triggers and it’s not always a safe place emotionally. I’m a mess here some days. Today what got to me is my Dad wanting to know where I was going first thing in the morning, why and implying it was a waste of time. Then my mom texting me “where are you?” And calling. When I called back asking what she meant she said Dad had told her I was taking Kid 2 to the doctor. Yes I was. I was also taking myself to one. It was noon when she called. That’s like three hours for two appointments that are 45 minutes apart....I was still at doctor #2 and either way, WHY IS SHE NEEDING TO KNOW MY EVERY MOVE? They’ve literally told me they need to know my every move. When I asked they said yes especially when it involves their granddaughter. My frustration with their concern seems a bit excessive. I don’t understand it and that’s what frustrates me more than anything - that o don’t understand my reaction