Jessica:

I'm so sorry for your pain, and the torture of your memories.

Mine aren't body memories, but they are flashbacks -- a dozen member of the SWAT team, all pointing weapons at me .... the flash of light off a sniper's rifle scope, a few houses away.

Etc., etc.

One thing I've learned is how harmful our self talk can be. I try VERY hard not to use phrases like "I can't take any more of this" or "I'm losing my mind."

I've been fighting huge battles for decades, and ... come to find out ... I CAN take more of this. Sometimes it's amazing how much I can take.

But you're clearly in crisis. Deep crisis. Can you get help ? You sound like you need MORE than reassurance, MORE than a hug, MORE than supportive words.

I'm worried for you. CAN you seek help ???

You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy. You deserve some peace and relief.

Please do whatever it takes to keep you safe. Is there anybody physically in your life -- even a primary care doctor -- with whom you can be totally honest about where you are, and to whom you can say -- simply -- "I NEED HELP !"

Please. Help yourself. Don't hurt yourself. You have to get through THIS crisis ... any way you can.

But get through it ... please.

I do have body memories and its horrible. Difficult to describe any better than body memories. I cant imagine going through with different personalities as well.

Thank you everyone. Your encouragement and guiding experiences have touched my heart. I am sorry that you can relate to me. How much cruelty there is in this world that the innocent can be wounded to the most extreme abuses. What a sad state of the human mankind. Will there ever be love and kindness for each other?
Yes, I am still stewing in my trembling horror. I do have a good therapist and psychiatrist. It is an inner struggle and exhaustive crissis for the moment. My MP system seems to be in an uproar. I don't quite know who is the strongest for the moment. I am ambivelent to what to do with my lack of courage. The only solace I embrace is that which is given by grace. Without that I am a nobody that anybody would care. Once again I say thank you for your kindness and concern.
Jessy

Have you told your therapist or psychiatrist how desperate you are feeling? I don't really know anything about MPD, except for in novels I've read, which I have no idea portray MPD correctly. I have had awful horrid body memories and most of them went away through doing EMDR therapy. I do still get them sometimes and I just keep telling myself that they will go away and at some point they do if I distract myself enough.

I have been the suicide route several times and have discovered that I'm not very good at it. I don't want to end up with a brain injury or anything rather than die, so I don't try anymore. I also feel that I am not suicidal most of the time now. The last time I was hospitalized was in 1998. I am so glad that I don't think about it every minute of every day.

The best way I know to get through is to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time and then go on to the next minute, hour, day, whatever. The more you can distract yourself the better.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that if you need to call your therapist or psychiatrist to get help, that you will do so.

I understand the rage inside of you. When I was hospitalized I felt like I had 2 people inside me. One that was in control and understood right from wrong and the other that was pure evil and want to come out ot play. That was part of the why I checked myself into the hospital. I did not feel I could control the pure evil personality that was developing and wanted out. That part of me was driven by pure rage and I was afraid of what they person might do.
I guess what I am saying is there is nothing wrong with going to the hospital for help, so going to talk with a therapist at the very least. I was out of control and the hospital did help me. They provided me a safe place to rest, relax and stop the outside world from closing in on me. It stopped the world for me and took me away from all my stresses and worries. Sometimes we need that and that is ok.
Another thing to look at is your meds. If you have been on them for a while, they may not be working well for you anymore. See your family doctor.
Sometimes we get to the point we are in crisis and we just cannot get out of it on our own. PTSD is an up and down battle. Sometimes we are doing well, sometimes we are not. It is ok to ask for help. You are an strong person.
Thinking about you and hoping you are fine

I am so sorry for your pain. You mentioned wanting to have more courage. I'd like to suggest that you already have it. Courage is not the absence of fear but rather taking action despite fear.
I can relate to not wanting to let the body memories "be". During and after the sexual trauma therapy group, my cervix would cramp up so bad I was sure it was killing me from the inside out. But now that I've expressed my self in a variety of ways about the trauma, it is infrequent and less severe. We've learned to keep "it" in for so long, it doesn't make sense to willingly go thru it again. It doesn't have to make sense. If you have a good therapist, letting the poison out is painful for a short time, but so much better when it no longer lives within you.