Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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arfie 03/27/2023

i have long thought of my mental health cycles as "the not-so-merry-go-round." round and round and round they go, spinning the same painful symptoms and cycles, over and over and over and over again. i didn't buy a ticket to get on this hell ride, but i've bought many a bottle of proverbial snake oil in hopes of buying a ticket to get off.

god please grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.

in recent months, the unpredictable twists of my over active brain have found me visualizing and naming the ponies on my psychotic not-so-merry-go-round. i introduced "the can't canter" here recently. this pony has its head buried between its hooves. when i ride the can't canter, i am forever in danger of toppling forward to be trampled by it's blind and frantic canter as it runs its endless circles.

this morning finds me sorting my reactions to news of an unforgiven friend's traffic death. the details i have been unable to forgive don't feel too important right now. what matters is that i am still righteously pissed off at him and now? ? ? when a loved one dies, the love lives on. when the unforgiven die, the hope of resolution dies with him/her. is there a tragedy greater than the death of hope? just wondering. . .

this is far from the only unforgiven soul in my broken life. shall i name this pony, grudgey? holding on to a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

again i leave the mood icon on the rapid cycling median. do i mourn the loss of life or celebrate the end of suffering?

mujicaptsd 03/27/2023

Though it's not a scientific model as some folks mistakenly think it is, arfie, the Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross five stages of grief model worked for me in life, not death, to describe the merry go round of my own day to day existence. You know the old "Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance" cycle the doctor described. I taught it in my nursing classes when I taught about the treatment of terminal patients and it became my personal private take away. I don't use it from left to right in order, sometimes I cycle backwards, sometimes I skip around for a cycle. But at least it gives me words to describe that merry go round of mine, just speaking for me.

arfie 03/27/2023

even with the death of a beloved son, i'm having a hard time separating my funeral grief from my ptsd symptoms. i'm not sure how it is possible ??just lucky?? that my son is the first person active in my life which whom went and died on me. his was the first funeral i ever attended at age 65.

i started psychotherapy for my hideous childhood at age 18. i was intoduced to the not-so-merry-go-round of mental health cycles and family dysfunction long before i bumped into doctor kubler-ross's model.

it's a new connection for me, but i can see where there is room for the death and dying ponies on my not-so-merry-go-round. i might call this one, "ding dong, the witch is dead." he's a prancy guy. . .

SunCloudJD 03/28/2023

I find forgiveness and anger over some things that have eaten at me for a very long time an ongoing process... Sometimes I feel as though I've forgiven and it makes me feel good... I've conquered and I'm pleased with myself to have gotten to this stage and another day not so much

I think working on it though may be key... Most of this in my case Arf are regarding those who have passed as well and sometimes it's me that I can't forgive

Complex beings we are for sure.... Big squishy hug... xo

mujicaptsd 03/28/2023

Now that you mention it, arfie, I think that like you I'd be unable to unscramble my grief over my loss as a parent from my own PTSD symptoms. I think maybe that's why Kubler Ross's model worked for me with my PTSD even as it was written to apply to grief over the death of a loved one. I just gave up trying to do that, and to treat the symptom instead, whatever its origin, like that Buddhist story says about the warrior who got shot with an arrow in battle. He didn't stop to ask who shot it and from where, he just stopped the bleeding. Sometimes that's the best I can do.

lilmissy7 04/01/2023

I have trouble with closure with a couple (well many) people in my life that had early tragic deaths. I usually like never talk about this stuff & I’m not sure why. I have two that stick out. One was very mad at me when she passed (& I was kinda mad at her too :( …. So I always feel really weird about it. It always feels weird to me to have this person that was mad at me & me mad at them when they passed.

The other was ‘not talking to me because I kept telling her to stop doing heroin & then we got in a big fight (there’s waay more to the story, I mean me & this girl went through so much together over years … heck we lived in a car together for a year in our teens when we were homeless. One of the last things that happened was she OD’d & told no one to tell me & made sure that I didn’t know she was in the hospital & I look back & feel just so bad because I wish I knew I would have visited her, I was waaay too hard on her & I don’t even know why because I by NO means am perfect. And between that & the fact that it was the people I introduced her to that got her into all that I will always feel guilty & never live down. I guess I’m rambling … sorry & I didn’t mean to make this about me … it’s just one of those things I don’t think I’ll ever not feel guilty about … sometimes I look up at the sky & say I’m sorry & I hope you’re okay wherever you are.

I’ve lost a lot of people actually & many without closure. I don’t know, sorry Arfie this probably wasn’t very helpful

You have my support for sure
Gentle hug <3

*maybe I’ll delete this if it’s too much or triggering

lilmissy7 04/01/2023

Oh so anyways, I forgot to write my main point instead of writing a bunch of extra details that I probably didn’t need to write.

What I meant to write was that the first person I was referring to I was really pretty hurt by & mad at (they were supposed to be family) & what they did to me was tough to swallow … so I still have trouble sometimes thinking back to stuff that happened & then I’ll feel a little mad still about stuff that happened then, feel guilty for feeling mad at someone that passed on so I stuff it down & repress it (which I really don’t think helps)

So thank you for posting this, so I know I’m not alone in dealing with something like that & also so maybe I can find different ways to deal with it, or at least process instead of stuff down or shame myself for the feelings.

& I’m sorry that you can understand too

One day, one moment at a time I guess for now

Sending, support hope & many prayers
Gentle hug <3

arfie 04/01/2023

thank you, missy. i love it when you ramble. vent it, girl, vent it.

i've never really understood the tendency to sanctify the dead. minimizing their struggles also minimizes their greatest triumphs.

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