I had another nightmare last night. Different than others. 

I tried to keep myself awake late so that I could maybe sleep in...sleep away the weekend. I don't know why I bothered. It never works. I always try anyway. 

I woke up at 6. Each time I closed my eyes I saw the image that woke me so eventually I gave up. 

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My friend called me over to her house...I didn't know why. We started talking and her husband unexpectedly came home. She made me hide. There was no time. I was standing in her bedroom as she piddled around in the bathroom while talking. I dove onto the unmade bed and she threw the covers over me. My dog was there. He came and laid beside me. For some reason, it was okay for him to be seen--dreams don't make sense most of the time.

He came into the room at first he yelled...then he lowered his voice. I couldn't understand him either way. I just focused on being as still as possible. I felt pressure come over me. He was sitting on the bed...partially on me. He poked around a bit. It was as if he didn't want her to know he knew someone was there. Suddenly he was grabbing my hair and ripping away the covers. 

She was gone. It was just the two of us standing there. He yelled at me. I stood....knowing he would call the cops if I stayed...knowing she wouldn't protect or defend me if he did--that she would blame me and be angry...also knowing that if I left then she would feel his wrath for allowing me to be there at all. I couldn't move...so I stood. Just like every other time before...I had to protect her as long as possible even if it meant putting myself in harms way...setting myself up for attacks and shaming I wouldn't be able to defend myself from. 

I don't know what was said. I remember only the look in his eyes. The look I'd seen many times before. He'd never hit me...but he wanted to...and probably would have. He was yelling...she had to have heard from the other room but she stayed away. He grabbed her guitar and threatened to beat me with it. It was just that...a threat...a dare. Her guitar is so important to her--I know that. I knew it was symbolic...the message was clear -- "Leave or I'll be forced to hit you with this...to break it. Leave or whatever happens will be YOUR FAULT." 

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That's when I woke up...but the image stayed with me. I can still see it when I close my eyes. I can see it because I lived it time and time again. I can no longer hear his voice but I can feel it...the anger and hatred. 

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It's stupid. I know it is. It's not my life. I'm not there living it. I can only hope she's taking care of herself and for the sake of the pregnancy that he's leaving her alone. But I still feel it. Because I've experienced him before...when I was young. And for anyone to recognize it and still choose it for the sake of appearances....it just makes me sick. And to know...to know that I don't matter enough...I'm not worth defending. I never have been.