Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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lovelilbeany 04/12/2018

Tw sh

I have very obvious recent self harm on my knuckles. I had hoped itd heal by time i next saw my mother. She thinks i havent self harmed in over 6 years.

It hasnt healed as fast as i had hoped, i see her tuesday. She will ask about it. I dont think il get away with its a knife cut from cooking/ washing up ect.

Im trying to think if it might be better if i just message her before i go and admit i self harm and cut my knuckles open. Then talk to her, get it over with then go down and ask her not to make a huge deal over it or worry way over the top.

i feel if i dont tell her till the day she will ruinmy time with lilbeany but asking way to many questions and make me feel bad about it. She is a worry wort ( is that the saying?) over my self harm because she doesnt want anyone to know im the let down in the family.

What do u think, should i tell her before i go and hopes she doesnt keep on about it and hd it over me for years again.

donnawanda 04/12/2018

You're not the letdown in the family. You're the one whose feet they should all kiss for protecting them from the consequences of mind-boggling abuse, neglect and denial. You have suffered so much to spare everyone else from facing the truth. Don't be ashamed of your self-harm - be proud you survived.

patti22 04/12/2018

I'm behind you either way.

Nooy 04/12/2018

I can totally understand if you want to tell her. I can totally understand if you say you don't want to tell her. There is no wrong option.

I guess it's a bit of a maths equation. Is hiding it more trouble than talking to her about it? If she doesn't believe your cover, what would that mean for you?

If hiding or telling her something else is the best option for you, don't be ashamed about that. It's not wrong. Some people, even if they love us, can't help but hurt us on certain topics. My mother + my self-harm has always been a huge disaster. So I second Patti: much support either way.

nancy6464 04/12/2018

Yeah, I think you know her reactions better than us , so what ever your gut is telling to do is the probably what you should do.

Nooy 04/12/2018

Oh, and by the way: I'm very sorry to hear you felt overwhelmed by your SH urges. It's okay to forgive yourself, even though it's easy to want to punish yourself more for slipping up.

It's not how we fall down - it's how we get back up.

Take care, stay as safe as you can, and I hope you'll be able to enjoy your visit as much as possible. Hugs!

Dynamaniac 04/16/2018

I am a sister, I am a mom, and then, I am a suicide survivor. And I can only respond as a sister who is a mom who is now a suicide survivor. Your mom loves you and she cannot stand to see you hurting. She knows that this external evidence is only a picture of what is happening inside -- that you're in pain and this hurts her because she does not know how to stop the pain. She is not trying to "nag" you, she's trying to help you. My brother committed suicide two and a half years ago. None of us knew what he was going through, but my mom found him, and you cannot imagine what she has been through as a result of that. She would have done anything to stop the temporary pain he was experiencing at the moment he took such a permanent action to stop the pain. Please understand how much your mother loves you and how much she would do anything for you to stop your pain. She may not express this love the way you think she should and she may not understand what you need from her, but that does not change her love for you which is truly unconditional. I don't think lying to her is the answer. I think you should have an honest discussion with her and perhaps try to explain to her why you do this to yourself. Perhaps she blames herself for your self-harm. Perhaps she thinks she could stop it somehow. I don't pretend to have the answers, and I'm not aware of your whole situation, but I do hope you can think about her side of things just for a brief second, and know that when you hurt yourself, you are not the only one who feels the pain.

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