Deep breathing. Deep breathing. Slow and steady. Slow and steady. Yeah. I get that whole "performance" aspect. So remember, you've already done this so often, this is just one more day, not any big deal, and then you come home and remind yourself IT IS OKAY TO BE IMPERFECT BECAUSE IMPERFECT IS NORMAL!!!

I know how you feel where you say here, "Sometimes I hate being a leader." Sometimes when I'm in front of a classroom of students from my community college I feel that way, too. I agree with what you say in the end here, too: "It's going to be okay." It is.

<3

Big hug Marah..... I hope that today goes well.... It's great that you have a Pdoc that will help you to manage symptoms.... xo

thinkin of you, marah!

Micromanaged by the one who doesn’t handle stress well..I had to laugh. I understand what you’re saying. I’m already going through that with my daughter although I’m quite capable of looking after myself. Dread to think how it’s going to be when I actually need help. I hope you have a peaceful and enjoyable weekend.

My take upon learning that suicidal thoughts were symptoms was that they were symptoms, like a stomach ache, and not a cause for action, Marah.

Your saying that suicidal ideations are a symptom of my PTSD for me, not a cause for action, has helped me this week, Marah. It's helped me live with mine every day, and I do get them every day. My permanent kidney damage came from taking too much Seroquel for my PTSD nightmares. Kidney damage meant not enough oxygen to extremities, so nerves started dying in my hands and feet. That neuropathy pain feels like a toothache nerve in a tooth. This week the dying nerve pain has been in my left foot. Dead nerves in my feet have made it hard to walk, so I used a cane for 8 years. This year I've made myself walk without it, though. I stagger and stumble at times, and I have fallen on my face in public downtown on the sidewalk. But I'm doing it.

It's helped me with my toxic family, too. When I told my mother about my pain, I found out how mentally ill she really is because she replied in a way that seemed like she wanted me to commit suicide rather than comfort me or get me help. My father's response was alarming, too, in that he beat me and then gave me a shotgun he put in my bedroom, which seemed to suggest he wanted me to use it for suicide, too.

I got away from them both and have stayed away from them ever since. It's plenty for me to deal with my PTSD nightmares. I take Prazosin now because it's kidney safe. It's plenty for me, too, to have this nerve pain all the time from the kidney damage Seroquel gave me fighting past nightmares. Getting to where I can walk again on feet with dead nerves is a lot for me already, too. I make myself walk twice a day for 30 minutes at a time.

It's really hard to live with pain all the time and have no family support, It really sucks. I don't know how I'm doing it, but so far I am. I think the support here is a big part of it for me. I don't know why, but I just refuse to die, suicide is just too common for people like me and so far I've just decided I'm hard headed and I won't do it. I won't give all of those people like the ones in my family the satisfaction of getting to pretend to pity me after I'm dead when they did nothing for me when they had the chance to. I plan to live long enough to see them die first.

I confess that sounds like I'm staying alive out of sheer spite, and maybe I am, I don't care. Whatever works. My motivation doesn't always have to be all positive, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else. It keeps me going, and then since I'm alive some positive things come of it anyway, like being a Community Leader here giving back support to others. I don't have the answer to suicide, I just don't do it.

Muji, you don’t sound like you’re staying alive out of spite. You sound resilient and like you’re staying alive because you want to - despite their terrible actions. Thanks for sharing. <3