TRIGGER WARNING-FEELING FRAGILE-BAD LANGUAGE
I can't put my finger on a particular stressor as the cause, but whatever the reason, I just woke up to a flashbacky day today. I have an emotional disc jockey in my brain that often plays a theme song that puts a song to how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wake up to Louie Armstrong's "Beautiful World," it's usually good stuff like that. I love my mental DJ.
TRIGGER WARNING-BAD LANGUAGE FOLLOWS
Forgive me if I offend, so if bad language is upsetting to you, please read no further. But today as soon as I woke up the earworm song that played in my head was the opening lines from the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I kid you not.
Get ready, here comes the bad language...
If you never heard it, it goes: "I hate the world today/You're so good to me/I know but I can't change..." https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/meredithbrooks/bitch.html
So I said to myself, "uh-oh. It's gonna be one of THOSE days...."
I've been riding it out the best I can, but I've been one big exposed raw nerve all day long. The symptoms are an edginess, crankiness, bitchiness, rapid heart beat over and over, repeated hyperventilating, that sort of thing. I'll admit that it's bad, but that also I have to say that I've had worse; in fact I've gotten through a work day like this before having learned to fake it until I could make it.
I'm on vacation, though, so I was wondering if, now that I have the time, I could learn that there's something else I could do. What I've done today so far has been to keep to myself and not attempt a lot of social interaction that would be grouchy to others and/or demand more of my attention than I have to spare. It's not a good day for making big decisions, either. It seems like a good day just to do routine chores on my own instead, so I went grocery shopping.
At the grocery store, though, I had a total PTSD heart attack moment. I was just pushing my cart along when a lady came around a blind corner pushing her cart, too. She wasn't going fast, she wasn't about to bump into me, she wasn't doing anything wrong. But I didn't see her coming, and in the highly symptomatic PTSD condition I'm in, she accidentally triggered my startle response but good. POW!
Poor lady, suddenly she was looking at a guy who was acting like one of those cartoon characters when they jump out of their skin. All that was lacking was the drum roll sound track and the bullet sound effect. Poor thing, again, really, I feel bad for her still. She apologized profusely, but she really hadn't done anything but be outside my peripheral vision on one of my more active PTSD days.
So I don't go around scaring people like that with my exaggerated involuntary PTSD startle responses is why I live alone. I take Prazosin at bedtime for my PTSD nightmares and it usually works. My psychiatrist said I can take it as needed during the day for days like this one, so I did that.
Any other ideas? How do you get through a day without hurting anybody else or hurting yourself when your PTSD just acts up on you all day long for no apparent reason? Thanks for your suggestions; I'm really looking forward to them. No kidding, I'm on my own down here in Mexico so I could really use the help.
Not sure how much we're allowed to get into. But I just posted a journal entitled screaming which really says it all. All of a sudden my life feels like it's back in crisis mode. And all because of a memory. I hate the way my brain work sometimes. And it's not very much fun having a mother that allowed my father to do what he did to me for all those years. I want so much to get past...
I got up anxious this morning because at the end of the week I have to return from Mexico, where I plan to retire, to my workplace in the USA, where I have 2 years more to go before retiring.It's not just about going back to work, it's about going back to work at a school that's having such trouble with dwindling enrollment that it's making ends meet by asking older teachers to retire. Then it...