I keep having moments where I think I've been fine and then something happens and my counselor very logically explains that what I experienced was normal for someone with PTSD. That makes me so angry.

 I had gotten comfortable. I'd started feeling safe again and then someone spoke lies over me so passionately that it was like night and day. His opinion was so black and white and judgmental when he knows nothing at all and it made me feel scared. Not hurt but angry and scared. I couldn't figure out the fear. Until I saw my counselor. 

Another unpredictable person. People like that are scary. Really upset when he's usually call and amicable. And it was about something so personal, that he knew nothing of. It scared me how passionate he was about the fact that he believed I'd made the wrong decision. It was also another example of how someone can seem safe and not be safe at all. But more than that, it happened at church. So my church seemed safe and now it doesn't anymore. I told my counselor "everything felt so loud."

She said that was fight or flight. That the crowd makes it worse. It's too much to focus on and in those moments I need sunshine and deep breaths or a quiet room to myself or maybe even just to go home. Going home I'd be depressed and still incapable of coping so I'll try the other two.

But this week has been hard. It's made life seem impossible. I have thought very hard about suicide twice. Instead I cried a lot and journaled and hugged on my babies. I don't actually want to face today but I'm getting up anywaYs.