Hi.  First time posting.  Many feelings (combatted by many solutions) which then results, as you could imagine, "getting tired" (exhausted) by constantly batting down negatives with positives.  Resulting what?  Resulting, as time passes, things get better with the solutions, so the next problem from the traumas "can be approached for healing" but now I find myself posting at Daily Strength with a new stressor, quote, "requesting vocabulary assistance because I'm concerned about others searching on the internet and recognizing either a) the topic is about them or b) I'm the author."

Do you have any tips, for how I can receive assistance, maybe more privately, so I'm not limited in the assistance I receive by my limiting the topics?  I don't know how to talk at this website (you could say) and I'm feeling emotions about feeling "muted" as I cannot fully express myself without the worry of others who participated.  Not a stretch of the imagination, as key words could be searched online.

I imagine, if I limit myself to my specific symptoms/signs/solutions then less of a chance exists of their recognizing things.

1) recurring thoughts

2) persistent thoughts

3) the goal of a few hurtful events was literally to cause "memory permanence, for so long into the future as possible" (and sadists/narcissists would be glad to know the years-long effects and would say "good, I was good for you, evolution, survival of the fittest" when evolution plainly involves life or DEATH matters, at the word "survival" and such talk pretends the word "victims" never existed at the dictionary for thousands of years (standard narcissist, victim-shaming, like the word "victims" never existed thousands of years at dictionaries or the word "reliances" never existed thousands of years at dictionaries, narcissists literally rely (RELY) on a belief the common reliances of others don't apply to them))

4) at the recurring thoughts and persistent thoughts, my "positive re-affirmations" get worn down and worn down and worn down sometimes, so, as usual, I don't tolerate such "worn down" effect and I persist with simply "talking back" at the negativity with a positive, like, "ugh no car" became "and I'll have a better car than before" and lo and behold recently I managed to cause a car for myself (though difficult maintaining the payments at a few short-sighted choices I made during such pre-occupation as above).

5) I dislike the pre-occupation, feels like brain energy and emotion energy and time more valuable spent a different way, but of course I know, the healing solutions could be how to address senseless violence but the healing solutions cannot be ceased, even if I didn't ask for the things which require healing

6) One of my solutions is attempting "vivid memory" so as time passes, my intending vivid memories (even with incense and bright colors and so forth) have a chance (a chance) of stacking as vivid memories, and can draw strength from the vivid memories on a gloomy day.

7) Started therapy again (fourth session today) and two medicines to break the cycle (a pattern-interrupt) of thoughts/disturbing dreams.  I made a good choice because the two small-dose medicines did disrupt (and elevated me from) some circular patterns/thoughts/sleep cycles, and, when the medicine is taken at night (100mg gabapentin is decades old, no trial-and-error, and 60mg propranolol at PTSD and fear conditioning and blood pressure), even though a low dose, I get a double benefit (double benefit) because both medicines cause more restful sleep, and I cannot emphasize enough how the mood is affected when my rest is restful, so I feel like I feel asleep and then wake the next day figuring (figuring) the nightmares persisted but without a memory of them, so while I work on making more vivid memories, my dreams have a chance of changing some day but the RESTFUL sleep is another example of the occasional "positive" which brings strength because the "positives do arrive, and can be remembered (like someone thirsty for water, wishing relief, can remember the prior relief, because positives (in healing) did arrive)."  Two positives, three positives, four positives and more across the years (like persistent thoughts which become "obsolete" when my life's progress causes the thoughts "no longer apply, are obsolete and some thoughts stop visiting, because obsolete by real-life progress.") 

8) I'm feeling a whirlwind of emotions, because the positives bring positive feelings, offsetting the negative feelings, but then I'm feeling TWICE the feelings.  I know I prefer feelings (rather than being a cold unfeeling stone).  The people who hurt me probably "prefer" having fewer feelings, or else they couldn't live with themselves, I figure.  As we all age, and age, and age, they'll regret what they've done to people (even if they convince themselves of their not regretting).  Meanwhile, I don't have a need for the same "convincing myself of false beliefs."  I get to have feelings, and I get to have true beliefs, rather than "rationalization for a non-existent reality."  I believe the abusers could use "emotion exercise range therapy, mere exercises of emotion range" as they seem deranged ("de"-"ranged" "shortened range") and they limit themselves also.

9)  Yesterday was a long day, a tiring day, and maybe yesterday's body tiredness resulted today's unusually persistent "distraction from what I need to be doing."

10) I have trouble doing what I used to do, which is to say, something specific, which is (from earlier than the traumas), usually having a constant connection to the positives I've accomplished in life (and in my character), a persistent connection (realization) of my progresses, is clouded, clouded, like a bad radio transmission has static, since the traumas.  Meaning, like a form of mild amnesia, I have to force myself to actually recount my accomplishments for others and for myself, and even if I go through the mental routine of listing a few positives, the emotional reaction from the positives is a bland, deadpan and bland reaction rather than connected to the positives.  So, while the persistent thoughts and recurring thoughts take their toll on me because ANYONE (ANYONE) would react to such naggings naggings naggings of negative self-talk and negative memories, the opposite doesn't seem to be true, of my listing positive accomplishments and "having an emotional reaction to the listing."  So I'll continue trying, though, because something doesn't add up, that the negatives cause the "natural" sad feelings at such hurtful thoughts from the past (of intentional harms imposed on me), while the positive accomplishments were a constant companion (in a humble way of assisting others aspire, by helping them see the reward of aspiring, tempting them to the rewards of aspiring, as I also was an instructor for up to 75 women at a time for about six years) before the traumas.

Thank you for your input.  I know I seem like I'm stronger than I really am.  The words seem great, the results I've gotten over the years may seem great, yet here I am.  Today.  Cried a little today, I cry a little every week, as you probably know with your own challenges, you get worn down as life brings more to stack on you.  As for me, I had traumas stacked and stacked and stacked of a longterm stalker/vendetta and I didn't even know why things around me "weren't working, like I'm invisible (invalidated)."  I do, however, know therapists (and others in society) automaticly bring a form of healing, by their mere routine, their ordinary routine, because the hurtful people "invalidate" while the good peoples' routine routine routine automaticly validates your emotions, so even mere routine (mere routine of theirs, validating automaticly in their routine) is an automatic healing mechanism (and I say thanks to them by explaining so to them).  Thank you, e-neighbors.