My spouse doesn't have PTSD...I do. My husband has had a difficult time though being a part of this life. He recently has begun looking into therapy after two years and also was recently diagnosed with mild-depression and mild-anxiety. PTSD can hurt a lot more than just the person who has it.

I know that this is probably not the response you were looking for but I do hope you find the support you need here. Good luck to you and best wishes always.

I am both comforted and terrified to read your post. My husband also has PTSDand he has also decided to just cruise through life. He detached himself from me and also became emotionally abusive (thankfully for only a short while). Now he is taking one day at a time as I stand on the sidelines just watching, hoping that today is the day he will love me again.... Wanting to reach out to him, but fearing it will push him further away. He refuses to tell me he loves me, won't correct me when I tell him it feels like he couldnt care less if I gave up and left, and outright refuses to make any attempt to work things out. All the while, I'm dying inside.

This is why I feel comforted as well as terrified with your post... I am comforted in the fact that I am not alone out there and that there is someone who could possibly understand my pain. Terrified because you said you two have been coasting for 21 years... I don't want to be repeating those words, but I can't bring myself to leave.

Hugs, thinking of you... Message me if you want to share "poor me" or "damn him" stories.

It is hard to deal with PTSD either yourself or live with someone who has it. In my case, it's both I began treatment through therapy and EMDR for PTSD last year after I had a nervous breakdown 6 months after my husband came back from Afghanistan. (although my therapist believed it stemmed from being molested very young and other issues) This year he too was diagnosed with PTSD due to the war. (For which he is actually now receiving disability through the military for.) He is not abusive, but has a short fuse. I see it in myself also...he is more with anger, me with anxiety. It is difficult, but at the same time a blessing because we can both understand somewhat of what the other is feeling. The war has left many scars in my husband, none visible, but present none the less. I feel for you...I really do and I wish I had more wisdom to share, but just know that you have support here. Please feel free to message me as well if there is anything I can help, or at least listen to. Take care.

It's a fine balance between being supportive and sacrificing your own sanity.

Let me just say -- my PTSD came from the actions of my partner of 11 yrs that had severe C-PTSD (my own evaluation - we didn't have a clue while he was alive - or he never told me) He was my best friend & in good times, he was funny & a great guy to be around - he loved me & he was very protective of me -- but he could fly into a rage on a dime - and that just got worse over the years. In the end he was abusing drugs & alcohol - I never knew what to expect when I came home - I was very afraid of him - he was being very verbally & physically abusive to me. He ended it one day in our garage & I found him out there in the middle of the night when I felt something was wrong.

I have spent 12 yrs battling PTSD - I am actually doing really well now - this experience will always be a part of me - I've used it to grow stronger - but I would not wish PTSD on anyone & I sure don't recommend it!

Self preservation should be your first priority (think about the airplane pamphlet that tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before your child's - because you are no good to help someone else if you don't take care of yourself first) That doesn't mean that you can't make yourself available as a source of support if you husband wants/needs it & you want to be there -- or maybe that's too much for you. Just be honest with him - he may not be opening up w/you because he can't deal w/ the possibility of negative feed back. I always believe honesty is the best recourse in any situation - and maybe if he feels safe to open up w/no negative backlash - you can get some honest answers from him - or maybe that's too much for him - - remember PTSD is complicated - and sometimes feelings are projected in way that may seem bizarre. But ultimately - healing comes from within - and your husband has to make the choice to overcome his trauma. If he won't do that - there is absolutely nothing you can do. If he decides to make the effort -- you can make a world of difference by being a caring, supportive friend & by convincing him that he deserves love & respect.

Don't beat yourself up for his actions - or lack there of -- do what you need to do for you.

I know it has to be a very difficult choice -- good luck, Bannigal!

Also take note of these two facts - this is for you too SeraJ:

1. Some of the symptoms of PTSD are - anxiety - depression - and dissociation - which is kind of like when you go onto autopilot & leave yourself for a bit -- PTSD can create a chronic state of dissociation - you become numbed & desensitized -- you still have feelings & emotions - but you can become so disconnected from them, that you don't recognize what you feel anymore - the pain/fear/anger etc. associated w/your trauma are so overwhelming, it takes over every part of you & just block up the process of being able to move on. Thus the appearance that they don't care -- they probably do on another level - it's just very buried under other a lot of other overwhelming garbage that needs to be dealt w/first.

2. Both of your husbands are male & military -- the military discourages people - male & female - from admitting to having PTSD symptoms - as a sign of weakness. As you can imagine - the impulse to hide it & suppress what they are going through maybe especially prone to men who have served.

So all you can do is educate yourself - and take care of yourself - and let your loved ones decide if they are willing to put up the fight to recover --- (and FYI -- recovery is definitely possible once a person decides they will & makes a priority of it)

I want to share a couple of good article -- the second is good for people fighting PTSD -- but it maybe good for you too:

This woman was a member here on DS some time ago: http://healmyptsd.com/

And this is for anyone struggling w/their past - pain - loss - depression - basically it's advice to help you overcome when you are you're own worst enemy preventing your from achieving what you want - brows through the different tabs - she has some really good things to say - I really like the "Be gentle w/yourself": http://www.essential-practices.com/

Thank you Nanda! You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned DENIAL. That is the hardest for me to cope with, knowing he thinks he is fine.

Have you checked the VA? I am receiving therapy through the local VA and we have family groups and therapy. We very much recognize the impact this has on families. Efforts to help are in progress.

I am the identified patient in my marriage. My husband is chronically perfect. His perfection often makes me feel so chronically flawed that I often need to push him away in order to progress outside his enormous shadow. The mighty oak cannot prevent the shadows of its greatness. Nothing grows beneath it.

PTSD is not about being perfect. It is about working it out.

I'm very sadden to read you email and hear about what you are enduring. Just because a person has this mental illness it does NOT give them license to abuse someone. Everyone has the right to personal safety. And emotional abuse is definitely abuse. Each of us in the Daily Strength Community acquired PTSD from either a horrible, traumatic experience or multiple experiences. It is each of our own responsibility to deal with our mental illness. It requires much effort that is often exhausting and terrifying at times. Sometimes people isolate because it is easier to manage symptoms in a quiet, "safe" home when symptoms get overwhelming. It sounds like your husband is having a very hard time and symptoms have gotten worse for him. I'm sorry to hear he is struggling. Is he open to seeing a doc and therapist? Does he have one established?
Here is a link to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness.)
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support.
I dont know of a specific group for spouses. I would encourage you to find a therapist that is knowledgeable about PTSD and can provide YOU support with coping. It sounds like you are doing your best to be a supportive partner. I think sometimes spouses/partners, family members can neglect themselves trying to "be supportive". Not good. Your self care and emotional needs are very important too!
Hope this helps! Best of luck to you Banningal.

Yes my husband has been on meds for depression and anxiety. He meets with a counselor and has been taking some classes through the VA that are too help him but most of the time he is in denial so I am not sure how much any of this can help. I am looking for ways to help me cope. Lately I have opted to stay away from him as much as possible. We are both retired so that is not always easy. If anyone has seen the movie "Hope Springs", that is what my life has looked like for 21 years (without the happy ending). :(

Banningal, I commend you for reaching out here. I have PTSD and was married for 16 years. Intimacy was hard for me as the tools that saved my life in combat defended me too well from getting close to my wife. I wasn't physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive, but I wasn't intimate, either.

I went to a lot of therapy for that but didn't ask her to, and she didn't volunteer. Our marriage ended in a relatively civil divorce so I can't give the formula for success. But looking back I think we both needed counseling together, not just me, to make it work. I never pushed the idea, so I can't just blame her alone for that. So that's why I commend you for reaching out. I hope you find what you need.

If your husband remains abusive then by all means lose him my friend. That is a condition that cannot be excused by PTSD or any other diagnosis. I used to be like him and I changed. I am not abusive to my current wife in any way. Men and women can both change but don't lose too much time waiting on him if he is in denial. He is stuck and only some crisis will shake him up I am guessing. Hang in there my friend. Hugs.

I completely forgot -- there is a forum that offers support for PTSD care givers -- https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/portal/

It's based out of Australia but there are people from all over the world on the site - it's a nice alternative for both PTSD suffers and carers if you just need to try something outside of DS sometimes.

A regular support group for caregivers of PTSD is a good idea here. I second it, particularly if there's one local to you where you can develop actual in your neighborhood/community kind of support.

Your post almost sounds like he has had sudden changes in behavior? This would definitely be something you should try to get an assessment on especially if you are deciding to "stay away" from him but want to make sure he's alright. You don't need to be ill-treated but I think pushing people away is pretty common and can make things much worse.

banningal,

it seems i was doomed to be emotionally handicapped since birth, and I appeared to marry someone like that, too. We both have our shares of problems. He became abusive, and sadly, I ended up finally fighting back, and becoming abusive toward him, too. It was a mess.

Now, we both have hit rock bottom and are trying to live better one day at a time. We are not on the same journey and we are not progressing at the same pace, either.

I relate to your post, and it is sad, but, we really need to keep working on living our best life, even when our spouse decides to stay home in bed, on the couch, isolating and being a loner, not wanting to take part in activities.

I am trying to reach out and make my own friends. I joined a 12 step support group, this DS board. We used to swim for exercise together for a couple years, because we do nothing together outside of eat and sleep( and take care of the house minimally) and now, after 3 years, he has lost interest in swimming, so now I go to swim alone. I get discouraged, because I would pursue more things but, I try to strike a balance between spending time at home and being supportive and accepting of him, and trying to enjoy him for who he is the best I can, and needing to be active and social. I too, often suffer from wanting to stay home and isolate and getting depressed. he tells me "you must want to be away from me because you are always on the go" but I tell him, no, I need a balance between time alone, time with you, time with the family and time with other people and new learning experiences socially. I am just trying to be balanced.

I do agree that you do not deserve to be emotionally abused, and the neglect of no marital affection is very difficult, too. I hope you can seek some good counsel and set boundaries for what you will and will not accept. My spouse always refused to go to counseling until I separated from him (twice) but then he went ...although it was begrudgingly, he did learn alot of tools of healthy disagreements and fair fighting, and he has made strides toward being a more mellow, calm person who is not as quick to anger and verbal/mental/physical abuse like he used to. He also now is a patient treated for depression, anxiety, goes to counseling on his own and takes meds for these. For years, he did not admit to having emotional or mental problems and refused to get therapy or medication... we self-medicated with marijuana and alcohol, fought alot, and.. he always labeled me as the only problem.... So I finally said, SINCE I AM THE PROBLEM, I WILL GO AND GET HELP! And I WENT AND GOT HELP! And then, finally, he started to see that, he, too had problems and needed help. But it took a few years, and alot of heart ache before that happened. Now, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish we could have gotten help so much sooner. The key is I kept waiting for him to go to counseling with me, for him to get help for his mean, miserable, surly abusive demeanor...... but nothing changed until I changed and realized, I need help in my own right, whether he ever goes or not, I still need my own help.

Your safety and taking care of YOU as #1 priority is the best thing you can do in the long run, for both of you.