My last long relationship I was in, I was physically abused, and emotionally abused. Hit often, constantly cheated on, belittled, all those nasty things. Long story short, I got myself out of that. Now I went onto the dating world after that. Tried online dating. I met a guy and met him for coffee. About the third date, I invited him over to hang out (still 19 at the time, common for people that age to just hang out at each others house rather than going out). Jumping past all the details, we ended up making out and he pushed things further. I kept saying "No, stop. I don't want this" but he forced it on me. I felt like it was my fault. Part of me still does.

I went into a downward spiral after that.. I started drinking alot and doing drugs, and I became very promiscuous. I even landed myself in the psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts. Until one day I decided I had enough. I picked myself up, stopped partying, stopped sleeping around, moved out of my moms place, got a second job, and got myself back into college. I threw myself into work and school. Maybe even too much. I guess you could say that I put a band aid over all the hurt. But I wasn't happy either. I was kinda just there. Doing the things I knew I had to do to survive and make a life for myself.

Now here I am a year later. Married to an amazing man. But I think it was way too soon after everything for me to get married. But it was the first time I felt happy, so I went with it. But I've started spiraling out of control again. I've started drinking again, probably way too often, especially now that I've turned 21 and its all available to me. And I've cheated on my husband twice now (Please don't judge, I already feel horrible enough). Both times, I was blacked out drunk, to the point that if someone were to get me dressed again before i passed out, I wouldn't have even known the next morning. I haven't told hubby, because I'm pretty positive he'll leave me, and I'm not doing this because I'm unhappy in my marriage.I'm self destructive, and I'm beginning to do self destructive things. And if the roles were revearsed, and he did it to me and vowed to never do it again and tried to do everything to fix himself, I wouldn't want to know either..

So when it comes down to it, I believe it all goes back to when I was raped. Thats when my anxiety and self destructive behaviors came out. Thats when my problems started. I've done so well pushing past them this past year, and its manifesting itself bad this time.

So here I am. Asking for advice. Asking for help. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it and bring myself back to reality.