I've noticed a pattern tonight that I guess i've been ignoring for quite some time. I've been sick and have always blamed my illness for my lack of being able to sleep. But looking back I realize i've been like this before I realized I was ill.

I find that I tend to stay up until it's about 4am or however long I can stay up. I try to stay up until it gets light out or until I can hear anyone nearby start their day. I sleep on the couch when my boyfriend does not sleep over. On nights he comes over I do sometimes go to sleep earlier or easier but not all the time.

I'm constantly paranoid that my ex husband or his fiance is going to show up at my door or at my work place. I have the constant reminder that around August or so the protection orders I have against them will be up and there will be nothing to hold them back. I still have to work with a girl who is friends with them and always relays messages to them about me. I find this extrememly upsetting and feel like I'll never truly be away from them. It's been going on 2 years since my divorce was final but the horror is still very much a part of my life and the way I live. I carry pepper spray in my coat pocket and my curtains are never open. I fear that if I open them I will see my exes face like I have so many times before when he would harass me. I feel so helpless and alone. I feel like no one understands this, I know nobody personally that has PTSD so the closest people around me are expecting me to just snap out of this. But how do you snap out of a nightmare that you relive everyday. I know i'm stronger because of the whole thing but i'm also terrified that he's going to make do on his promise and kill me someday.

I want to snap out of this nightmare, with every fiber of my being I want to live normal again and sleep when it's actually time to sleep. I want to open my curtains and let the sun in, I want to take a walk and not have to look over my shoulder. I don't want to have to walk faster than everybody else just because that's what i'm used to doing now. I just had to get this out because it really has hit me like a brick wall just how much i've contorted my life around this constant fear I have. I've buried it deep inside and have made excuses as to why I do certain things, why I live a certain way. I'm ready to come out and say yes i'm scared, i'm terrified. I'm tired and exhausted of being scared all the time. When will his face ever go away?