There is more room outside than in. . .

I like to think of my shoulds in composting images. I have an actual compost pile and often work that pile while I am shoulding myself. I make GREAT compost. My plants thank me. My chickens are mad 'cause I won't let them scratch in it. Literal chickens love easy scratch.

As someone preparing right now to go teach another death and dying class, what you describe is truly a cautionary tale about repressing grief. Kubler Ross was right, huh? Sooner or later down the line, the dam will break. Much support to you, arfie.

Launching from the Elizabeth Kubler Ross theories, I am tempted to wonder if the repressing of grief for Grandmother will create a two year delay in grieving Grandfather. I get a general sense that there is a collective relief that Grandfather and his professional nursing guard no longer have to be considered.

Maybe. Leaving the healing mysteries be. . . They go where they go.

Much support to you Arfie. Wish I had answers for you. Hugs

Your Duh Dance brings up a interesting view point to a position i am often put in.

we can't rewrite our past. yet so much time is spent on people telling us to "let it go" "what's done is done. move on." there is also much emphasis put on grieving it then get on with it. those who are willing to listen do eventually get tired of it and snap sooner or later. "stop living in the past" people are overly uncomfortable with pain AND perceived pain.

now for myself, i have accepted that my history is just that- history. history is often written by the victors. who is the victor in my story? ether way it is history and i can't go and rewrite it no matter how much i want my past to be nice pretty and happy; it never will be. i am not living in my past when i talk candidly about it. i am relating my history. i'm not playing the pity card just cause the stories of my life are harsh and ugly. there are simply no funny quips to share around the table when others talk about stuff the grew up doing. But you know what I/We are ok with that.

the Duh Dance is also one i have no time for anymore. my husband happens to be singing that tune a LOT lately and its getting on my nerves. i know its his right to grieve his losses, he never really got over Dad dying. i digress. i actually get it aimed at me as an attack sometimes due to my acceptance of my past and the candor with which i speak about it.

ok there is a point in here somewhere, i think. if you can make it through the babbling/processing. the "shouda-coulda-whoulda's" seem to be part of grieving. i am trying to share that once i got to a certain point i found myself ok with not being able to change my past as well as being ok telling others to back off if they can't handle it.

thanks arfie for letting me ramble this out here. hugs for you through all you're dealing with. i also love the WW! DG

Having gone through the death of all my birth family/uncle/aunts and spouses and Grammy Molly, I've definitely done the "shouda-coulda-whoulda's" in my process of different order, different days and different emotions which, repressing grief, using Kubler Ross 5 stages in what ever order they appear, depending on where my mind travels, was the road I took to heal. The pain was unbearable when my sister died that I went psychotic, several hospital stays...I had survivor guilt. I managed to keep my head on my shoulders for the next 8 family members who died from 1984-2006. Suffering is a choice, to work through the pain, keep it in the light of day helps to not go to the dark and lonely place in my head. For everyone, the process is different towards healing and acceptance of what is...Reality can be Very Deceiving when family is involved, money is involved, and others who come out of the woodwork to throw in their 2 cents worth of opinions. So for me, in any area of my life, all events are a process in the making or an event that has happened, past, and can not be changed, so what ever, who ever the "shouda-coulda-whoulda's", I avoid as they take away my peace and use up my physical and emotional energy...I need that to keep well. Sure, I'll listen, with mouth shut, but only for so long and not for a broken record that should be trashed because of negativity.

We can only call it the Duh Dance because hindsight is 20/20. I don't think the shoulda, coulda , wolds are always so obvious. Now it seems clear, but you never know how a present action will affect the future. I left my abusive boss in July an emotional wreck, and it's easy for me to say that I should have left immediately in March when I decided not to stay a second year. But had I left in March, perhaps I would have felt that I passed up a chance to be published in research and gave in too soon. Besides, I did get those extra months of pay, and that's really helping me now. Now, I know that despite my boss's big words, there wasn't a chance that he would publish my work, and I know what a verbally abusive relationship looks like. All my friends say I should have left sooner, but you never really know how events would turn out differently. It is the essential paradox of all time-travel stories.

This is not to take away from the fact that you are grieving. You are allowed to grieve as well. You do not have to remain mouth-shut ears open. It is too much for anyone to merely be a receptacle for others mourning without getting support in return. It is a two way relationship. Your family needs your shoulder to lean on as you are also leaning on them, or Hubby at least. Please let yourself speak and get the support you want as well.

Let the thoughts and feelings come and be gentle with yourself. So the Duh-dance wants to play, it is one of the phases of grief and a natural process. Continue writing, because your writing is so eloquent and thought provoking, and we will also continue to be here for you, with you. I'm sending Hugs your way.

Big hug for you sweetie.... I must admit it's these times that the shutting down sure does feel a lot better since you feel nothing!!....sigh.... When my Dad, then Mom... then dog died I didn't cry at all.... I barely felt anything ...
Then I ended up in the hospital a couple of years later and my pdoc said anyone could do anything to you and you wouldn't be aware of it.... You aren't there in any way shape or form.... another sigh
My dog now has been struggling with a number of ailments and I'm a wreck... So I sort of like not being there better in many ways
I do think we can learn a lot from what is past 'if' we do it in a constructive way for ourselves... We can learn and grow....
I have often tended to beat myself up ongoing and I know that, that's no good...
A lesson learned and shared though can be therapeutic
Huge hug and a blessing through your grief sweetie.... xo

My own grieving in this is barely legal. I never really bonded with either of my husband's parents. Maybe just another cPTSD symptom and the lack of my own parents in my life. I am glad they were in the family's life, but . . . I think I formed tighter bonds with the kindergarten teachers whom I am equally grateful for.

These are just some of the weird places my mind has been going while I have been trying to be supportive. I am mostly listening to other people sorting their grief. I don't often correct grammar at these moments, but. . . Sure am getting tired of Should have, Could have and Would have.

No words of wisdom for you Arf mate but I can empathise as I have experienced a lot of loss and grief myself and often torture myself with the Duhs myself. Much support to you while you go through these trying times. Best, Manda xx