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She says she believes I'm telling her she can never be annoyed with me...I told her that I need her to talk to me in a calm tone because I get freaked out when she yells. Like have a panic attack.
They are just exhausting.
Too, she'll often trigger a flashback on top of the panic attack, and so after she yells I just get to be in misery for hours.
That most of the time I haven't done enough to deserve being punished like that, and that quite frankly, it would be better if she'd just hit me, I'd be less freaked out.
I told her I would try to get away from her when she shouted and that she needed to leave me alone when unable to not refrain from shouting.
She said this would make her really mad.
So I asked her how I could show her how hard I was freaking out...and then decided I was going to start hitting myself in front of her. Instead of waiting until after the fight, I might as well do it where she can see. She did agree that would stop her.
I honestly wish she'd just slap me around when she's mad at me. That would be less hurtful than what she does.
They are just exhausting.
Too, she'll often trigger a flashback on top of the panic attack, and so after she yells I just get to be in misery for hours.
That most of the time I haven't done enough to deserve being punished like that, and that quite frankly, it would be better if she'd just hit me, I'd be less freaked out.
I told her I would try to get away from her when she shouted and that she needed to leave me alone when unable to not refrain from shouting.
She said this would make her really mad.
So I asked her how I could show her how hard I was freaking out...and then decided I was going to start hitting myself in front of her. Instead of waiting until after the fight, I might as well do it where she can see. She did agree that would stop her.
I honestly wish she'd just slap me around when she's mad at me. That would be less hurtful than what she does.
I don't think hitting yourself is the answer.
And I don't think its really all that compassionate, understanding, or loving for someone to defend their right to set off your triggers.
In fact, it sounds like she is defending her right to do so. Most people, even the average, typical John Doe on the street, will defend themselves when forced to face a personal truth about themselves that they don't want to admit to.
You have a right to feel the way you do. Please don't hurt yourself further to justify her lack of consideration for you.