I understand what your saying. Its hard enough to figure out boundries as they are, nevermind keeping track of them constantly changing.

Hang in there

it sounds like you are very aware and pro-active with yourself, and your relationships.

as long as the foundation is strong the house will sustain innumerable add-on's

Good point, boundaries are meant to be flexible...sometimes I react and throw up boundaries so big, no-one gets let it: reminds me of song:

If you keep building these walls
Brick by brick tower so tall
Soon I wont see you at all
Til the concrete angel falls
I know who you are from the start
But now I dont know who you are
Soon there will be nothing at all
Til the concrete angel falls

Life is change,constant change. We can't set one boundary and stick to it. There are exceptions, there are growths and changes and renewal in ourselves. Boundaries and everything else must change with our changes. Thank you for this post.

yeah arfie,

Retaining a rigid structure in a fluid environment won't cut it. I can relate to your whole shifting dynamics situation. For me I sometimes feel everything has shifted so much that (outside of my own inner boundary control) most everything has just floated away.

Guess we can only find the stability within, and treat relationships as always in flux (even if it's sort of slow flux, like when people use the expression "watch the corn grow.")

There is a scary element, but also a dynamic element which allows us to escape from the static and experience growth.

Guess I want my boundaries to be less like the Great Wall of China and more like a life preserver-I want to be carried along safely in the current of life.

Thank you.

good post, thank you arfie...

you mention long time friends....and your statement is certainly true...recently, i made the difficult choice to "let go" of a friend i've had and loved since we were 12....she's absolutely free to feel the way she does about certain issues however i can't tolerate the actions these choices generate...it was sad and hearbreaking for me...i'll always love her..

setting boundaries are hard sometimes.

I really struggle with boundaries and this thread has been eye opening for me. I constantly seek firm boundaries towards the outside world, and as you mentioned it truly does not work, I end up creating a cage around myself. The key it seems is to have strong internal boundaries, and if you really know yourself then you don't need to bother with keeping track of everything else. You can intuitively handle situations as they arise and accommodate with ease as they shift and change.
The question now, is how do I form these strong internal boundaries?? :)

belovely,

You asked about forming strong internal boundaries, my take on it is the actual boundary varies somewhat from individual to individual. The place to start might be considering WHAT behavior from others you need - to feel respected and safe. And the boundary may vary depending on the relationship w/ the individual. For example with a friend I want to be greeted and have a certain amount of eye contact, with a stranger in a store, this may feel intrusive.

Perhaps you might consider interactions you've had that are clear examples of things falling within and outside of your comfort zone. If one starts from there, then over time one's view can become more deliniated.

After you know what your internal boundary needs are then you consider what you will do if a boundary violation appears on the horizon. If we know what our boundary is and what we will do if it gets violated then we can eventually become more confident/comfortable about how we interact with the world.

I am certainly not perfect at this by any means, but this approach is really helping me to feel more at ease out in the world and here on DS.

In the split second between seeing the title of your topic, arfie, and clicking to open it up and read comments, my mind flashed right to "growth" as one of the reasons boundaries shift for me. There can be negative reasons, to be sure, but I've been blessed with growth lately. Particularly, I've been given some "attaboys" at work lately, by boss, colleagues, and even some students. It has taken me a lot to accept a compliment after a lifetime of brutal criticism and abuse. But I have.

So I've seen shifts in boundaries, and one has been to open up the gate, push the barbed wire fence aside, and let a compliment come in. This shift is for positive reasons, of course, but my PTSD rewired brain doesn't necessarily know that right off the bat. It gets set for receiving a blow or a suicide bomber when a boundary goes down for any reason whatsoever, even when it is to accommodate growth. It's just part of the automatic reflex of the survivor in me.

I forgive myself for the defensive reflex and accept it as such, then. After that, I go on to the next step of embracing the growth by embracing the change in boundaries. Not many people would be patient with the process it takes to talk myself through such simple steps. But hey, they aren't me, and they don't know what all I've been through to get here. I do know my story, so I know to be patient and accepting of whatever it takes to make progress. It's part of the journey.

Thanks for sharing this aspect of yours. Great topic.

Let me add that the result is moments of happiness that make me smile and feel good with myself. Like this: :-)

Blessings, all.

Mujica- the appropriate response to "atta boy", "great work" or similar comments is "Thank you".

It feels funny until you get used to it, but by then you stop trying to deny what the compliment said about you. You have shifted a boundary by letting good comments in and allowing them to be part of your self definition.

Remember too, while the compliment is intended to make the recipient feel good (duh, right?), it also has the effect of making outside listeners feel positive about situations and people tend to think well of others who can give a good and accurate compliment.

So taking it in serves others too.

Nicely put, guayaba. Thanks.