I am the same. I have an extreme fear of confrontation and avoid it at all costs. I have zero assertiveness skills. Because of this, I've been the victim of many predatory people, felons, sex offenders, etc. I think it stems back to my childhood where I was abused by my dad and not ever allowed to stand up for myself in any situation, against him or against school bullies or anything else. I'd be severely punished and my dad would always side with the bully and scream at me for hours for some imaginary bruising he'd claim the bully had (total nonsense) while I'm over there bleeding profusely. This was a repeated thing in my life. I was the scapegoat in my family so every single thing I (or anyone else) did was wrong. I think this is what lead to my fear of assertion.

Me too I am so repulsed and sickened I can't even say words at times. The true people who did this are not around me thank god anymore but they cyberbully me.

I doesn't know the why of it, but. . .

My hyper-active metabolism makes it far, far easier for me to be assertive than to sit still and swallow poison, but. . .

I still get a deep and unshakeable shame reaction from it. . . The harder I fight the shame, the stinkier my mouth gets. I have had fantasies of getting out a needle and fishing twine to sew my mouth shut to avoid more shame from wicked tongue. Those fantasies might have been dreams as I sank into a catatonic dissociation. Maybe. . .

I doesn't know why, but the theory on the top of my own, just-a-patient list today is: "Conditioning."

Maybe we can figure it out together, Doo. Or. . . ?Quien sabe? Not I. . . I seem to handle it better when I just let the mystery be. Not avoidance. Just a quiet acceptance that not even The Arf gets to know everything.

I am terrified of asserting myself and yet have to do it every day. It's not a shame thing, exactly, more a "I'll be hurt and mocked/judged" thing, and mocking and judging were identical in my childhood home. It was not a good recipe then or now. Much sympathy as we all muddle along together.

I was thinking of starting a thread about this myself, Doo, because I just went through it on my visit to Minnesota last week. I had a point of view from experience that entitled me to speak up, but then I had shame about it instead. It didn't help that I had someone there who tends to shame others at every turn, either. It really concerned me that I was so vulnerable to shame when there was every reason for me not to be. Thanks for saying something about this. It seems shame must have been instilled in some of us very young and that it's still with us. I'd really, really like to get over it, personally.

i as well can relate to this...i have even gotten to the points in my life where i have felt guilt and shame over standing up to someone who was regularily treating me like a doormat..i'm so sorry you feel this way..

I don't know if anyone is really comfortable (for the most part) having to assert themselves in an uncomfortable situation except maybe those who like to create these type of situations ... There will always be those who like drama, bullies, histrionic personalitie etc in the world
I think what's important is that when it's really necessary we do stand up even when we're not comfortable and do it with dignity... Huge hugs sweetie... I hope today is a good day for you...xo

"Selfless" is a concept that still confuses me mightily. How does one do anything without "self?"

Leaving that strictly personal confusion aside for the moment, I believe that when I must hurt someone in order to stand up for myself and others, the kindness can take the form in being aware of their hurt and making amends without backing down from my conviction whenever possible, or at least not aggravating their pain. The adage I like for this one is, "When I am wrong, let me have the humility to make amends. When I am right, please help me be easy to live with."

But. . . For sure I am still on that never-ending learning curve with you.