I'm a guy, and I felt that way about being physical with a girl after surviving sexual assaults as a kid by an adult male pedophile. Two years of therapy with a real PTSD specialist finally helped me lots. Before that, 12 years of therapy with a regular therapist were less effective for me, though that therapist tried hard. In my experience, a therapist who was a PTSD specialist really made a difference for me.

To be honest it was a time in my life when I was an alcoholic... I used to think it was my fault.

Um, no. I've been around people who were drunk. I've been around people who were really drunk. Jim even fought me as I pulled him out of the campfire (me being the only sober person in the group).

I've never felt like raping any of them. Now okay, I'm female...but I've had male friends who've felt exactly the same way. Being drunk made you an easier target, but you were NEVER at fault. (Oh and I never robbed any of them either, or did anything mean to them. They'd basically wake up with a blanket on them in the morning....)

Being drunk...one thing.
Walking away from people who are drunk...understandable.
Taking advantage of someone drunk...scum, just pure plain scum.

Welcome to the group, sorry for what's brought you here, and I hope you find the peace that I have...
Heartfelt hugs, Patti

nothing you did or could have done would have made it alright for him to do what he did to you. it was not your fault.

i see you have said, you used to think - i'm so glad you don't think it now.

welcome to the group, i am very sorry for what brings you here, but it is good you have come here. This is a good place.

Ah, yes: blaming. It did as much damage to me as the original assault did, if not more. I was a boy before puberty when I was assaulted by a pedophile. Yet when I went to my mother about it she actually did blame me from then on to her dying day. She even told me Jesus couldn't "forgive" me (for what, I do not know). She told me when I was 11 years old that my life was over now, that I was surely going to hell.

It wasn't a one time thought on her part. She meant it, and she got my father and my sister to go along with her. From then on until I left the home at 17 to escape the blaming, I got regular weekly bruising and bloody beatings in my home as "punishment" and "to make me a man" for having been assaulted by a pedophile as a child.

I didn't know that she was mentally ill. I believed her about the blame and punishment until I had to decide to stop it or die. Blaming myself came on top of all of that blame, punishment, and rejection by my own mother, which nearly killed me, quite literally.

When I escaped home and began to recover from all of that blame and punishment, I realized how it happens that victims are blamed or blame themselves often. However, I found that no matter how often it happens that the victim is blamed or who does the self-blaming, it's still a lie.

So I try to share with others now that if being blamed were really helpful, I would be able to show you the results. It would have helped me for sure, since there was such an extreme amount of blame, punishment, and rejection laid on me and by true blame believers who were loved ones that I trusted to care for me.

It turns out that it was never true nor was it ever helpful. 25 years after my assault I was proven right. The pedophile who attacked me turned out to have attacked 4 others my age back then. He got caught and convicted and died in prison. My mother was wrong. History and the courts proved it. Too late for my family relationships, though, since due to blaming me they were long over by then.

So if you can spare yourself the self blame any, you can save that amount of energy to apply to your real healing and recovery. I know it's very hard to stop the blaming, I do know. A real PTSD specialist really helps with that, honest.

It doesn't matter if you Kay there buck naked and legs akimbo if you're drunk when a guy takes advantage then that is rape pure and simple because you were in no fit state to give true and valid consent. As Muji wisely said please stop blaming yourself because it wasn't your fault. The same thing happened to me 18 months ago and for a long time I thought I was responsible. Might have lead the guy on, etc etc. Even so because I was drunk I can't be held accountable for HIS choice to rape me. Yes a real PTSD expert can help you with this. Hugs.

Manda XXX

Olivia, i am that way about being touched too. i get sad about it sometimes and maybe someday i won't be that way or there will be a person i can be around that i don't feel that way with.

one thing that having this does for us? it sort of makes us deal with things before getting into a relationship - we have that going for us. since we have had the horrible traumatic thing(s) happen to us? once we have helped ourselves, one way or/and another, we are going to be some people who truly understand ourselves. we will know and care about our own selves. i believe that puts us in a much better place to be a whole partner in a relationship - ready to find or be found by a whole person. IF we want to be in a partnership/relationship that is.

it takes time for everyone to find just the right person.

it helps me to talk about it here a bit and also, to know there are others who have the same issue. you are not alone with this.

Big hug for you Olivia.... As others have said this is in no way your fault.... I'm glad you're here and I'm so sorry you have had to go through such a traumatic event.....xo

Its hard for me too, I understand what youre feeling, and with some therapy and opening up, it helped me in my recovery.

I am truly sorry to hear about this, it is a tough thing to work through. How are you doing today? Have been going and getting some counseling or to a support group? It has taken me years to work through my situation when I was raped as a teenager. I was up in my thirties before I could even think about maybe the possibility of forgiveness towards that rapist. I even knew the persons' name and whenever I heard of someone who had that same name, I could not bring myself to talk to them, because it would reopen bad memories. Try; surrounding yourself with people who love you and support and encourage you. Do not hibernate in your cocoon or distance yourself from the ones who love and care for you. I would like to pray for you, if that is okay?
Father,
I want to lift up this lady who has been sexually assaulted 2 years ago. Help her to be encouraged, supported by those of her family and friends who care for her and love her dearly!

Amen