Yes it is awful. I feel that the emotional effects of it never go away. I feel like we are always trapped in an everlasting hell.

Sorry you're feeling bad.

I know. That's how it was. And then when I told family about it by way of seeking comfort, they heaped coals of shame on my head and rejected me. I don't know how I survived that on top of the first thing, I really don't.

It was meant to be that I would survive, though. Because in spite of the ugly memories and then the ugliness heaped on me by those who should have comforted me, I began to see beauty in the world. Beauty that stirred something still not dead or ugly in me.

Along with all the ugliness inside and the ugly treatment of me as well, having something inside me that responded to beauty was true, too. There was enough of me left to build on, to live for, to love. That was how I began to heal. I found out it's how others do, too, and always have. Some day, we won't need to any more, I hope.

It shatters you to your core. There is no before only an after because the "before" is shattered with the rest of you. The feeling of being abandoned even when you are not. I wasn't but I felt like I was. It destroys your everything, everything you would have been or could have been and all that is left is a shell of what should have been.

That's how it is for me. There is only a shell left. A shell of a person that might have at one point had a life but is now just living. Alice put it best. I feel like I'm trapped in an everlasting hell. A hell to which there is no escape. And here in that hell is where I'll remain.

I have been through this too, but my memories and the feelings attached have been walled off from my consciousness for most of my life. I had many, many issues that I didn't understand the source of. I went through many, many years of therapy.

And I would say that as long as we have a tiny flame inside - namely, the capacity for love - we can nurture ourselves back to life. Not as who we would have been and should have been, but as viable human beings who can love and be loved. That, to me, is happiness. So, don't give up. I wish you had never had to deal with this, as you should never had had to deal with this. But know that as long as you have any capacity for love inside you, then what is most precious and human in you was not destroyed, and can flower into a beautiful and irreplaceable person.

Yes, Lilly! You are SO worth it! We all are.

The last time I was sexually abused I was 8.
It bothers me a lot. I still have a lot of repressed stuff.
I am 41.

...getting aroused by abuse is revolting, and my dad took care to make me aroused, he used that as a grooming method to make me more cooperative.

...the evil bastards who did this to you are entirely to blame, mister, not you.
Not your fault.
You're a good kiddo. You have worth. You are good and lovable and worth caring about.

Wow, blue. I was 9. I'm 56. It still bothers me, too.

I agree, you are worth it. Like was already said here, we can still find that little something inside to nurture ourselves to health if no one else will. We can help each other on the way here.

Thanks everyone.
I hold a lot of resentment when it comes to my past. I have never fully dealt with my issues, I've never seen a therapist or been on any kind of medication. I have just dealt with my feelings myself and bottled them up... Bottled them up so much I am just full of anger and hatred, with no trust for anyone.

I don't think I'll ever feel okay about whats happened to me, but hopefully can learn to accept it and live a relatively normal life.

Yeah bottling it up isn't healthy. Can you find a therapist to help you sort all of this stuff out? You deserve to have help so you don't have to go through it alone.

I can't bring myself to see a therapist, opening up to someone I do not know makes me want to vomit. I've found comfort since joining this site though, people who can relate to my issues is a MASSIVE comfort to me.

That is good that you find comfort in this site! Maybe eventually you will feel comfortable enough to try therapy. It could really benefit you! But I definitely understand your concerns. I don't trust people either! It takes me a long time to trust them.

It's possible you could go for therapy without having to talk about what happened to you. If you were in the US I would say without hesitation that you can start going there for support without being obliged to talk about anything you don't feel ready to talk about. I don't know how it is in the UK ... But I will say this: I went through so many years of therapy without talking about the sexual abuse in my past and I got a lot of benefit from it.

I also think it's fine that you just come here for now. Coming here has made it a lot easier for me to talk about things. I feel less alone and less ashamed because I see that I am in such good company in the things that happened to me. I used to feel so freakish and isolated. And coming here - and to the sexual abuse and incest boards - has had a desensitizing effect. I no longer find my own story so shocking and shameful that I can barely speak the truth.

Yes Lilly, you ARE worth it! Like Leo said, we all are. We may not see it yet but we are all worth it!!!!

I am considering seeing a therapist but the whole concept is very frightening to me. By opening up to someone Id be letting my wall down and from that I become extremely vulnerable. I do not like to be vulnerable or be the victim, I want to be strong and show everyone how "happy" I am.

Being on here however has made me open up loads more and be myself... my miserable self lol.

I understand were what you're saying Donna, before this I felt like I was a freak and the only one suffering but coming on here has made me feel less alone and ashamed.