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Nothing like a good crisis to send me into a tail spin of self-doubt. Who else does this? As many of you know our daughter has been using coke and her attitude has changed over the past 6 months. She is defensive and seems to be taking out her issues on me. She is currently not talking to me. I have always been a "careful for what you wish for" kind of person. Meaning if she does not currently want me to be her mother, she might just get that. I am tired of the crap and it is not doing me much good. In addition when I am under attack by someone, I tend to just walk away and move on. I am ready to walk away from our daughter and cut her out of my life. It is a hard decision but I have to protect myself and look after me first.
So the tail spin, well all of this has me super sensative about everything in my life. I try to be nice to people, but I am largely ignored by people. I am into photography and I have been trying to make some new friends. I invite other photographers out with me when I am going out to take pictures. I try and include people in hopes they will return the favour and inIvite me out, but that does not seem to happen. People just don't think about me. I just seen pictures of a photo shoot of northern lights, no one included me. I just found out about people going to take picture of birds, no one included me.
I am feel like a forgettable person. The only time people seem to contact me is when they want something from me, or are in trouble and need help or if they need to bitch about a problem in their lives. I often feel like I am forgotten most of the time. Dad was the same way, he did not have any one I would call a friend, but he had lots of people who dropped in when they were in trouble, needed help or wanted something. He was to go to when someone was in trouble. I cannot tell how many times his brothers' wives would call to go get his cheating brother. Or how many times he was called in the middle of the night to go pickup a drunk so called friend. He always did it. I guess I just grew up to be him, no friends, just aquaintances who have friends they would rather hang out with until there is a need for me. I have never been a popular person and was bullied most of my life. Maybe this is just more bullying
I know this crap with my daughter has sent me into a tail spin and I am noticing all these things. That is causing me to go into a bit of a tail spin. Which is why my daughter has to leave my life.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
It's getting easier to ply therapy tools instead of dancing another round to the family dysfunction tunes, but easier still isn't easy.
There I said: "I haven't spoken to my sister or my mother in 10 years because when I went to my mom for help she told me to just go ahead and kill myself. I was damaged, she said, so now God didn't want me. My sister sided with my mom and got my half of the family inheritance from her that way, some $70k in US dollars paid out just this past May, according to legal papers I received letting me know for the record."
I still love my mother, believe it or not, and I love my sister, too, which made the decision hard for me, too. It has proven over time to be the right one even as it was the hard one. I can imagine the "hard decision" before you concerning your daughter now. You're not alone.