The first stage of self care for me is having a routine. We’ve been in the new place for two weeks now. I think the routine is settling in nicely. Laundry is done. The only items not folded and put away are the towels I just took out and I’m done. I’m proud of that. Laundry is folded and put away and only what we wore today is dirty. Granted, we don’t have a ton of clothes. But still, it’s an achievement.

Next is food and hydration and I’ve done pretty well, better with food than water but still I’m drinking. I’m doing alright.

Hygeine could probably be better. I don’t have floss and I only have $14 to last until the end of the month. Floss can wait. I don’t spend a lot of time on my hair bc hair product is expensive. But it’s not raggedy, just bland.

Journaling, not here but real pencil and paper journaling. This I’ve done quite well on. In fact, it’s importance may have moved up the ranks a bit.

Fun that’s just for me. Well, I brought two movies with me and I have a computer with a DVD player but it’s not working. I didn’t know this until I started it up today and tried to play Little Women. Because it’s my favorite book and I don’t have time to read it but Mom for this for me for a Christmas. In addition to not being able to watch the movie, I had to look at the background pictures from my old laptop. Wedding picture and one from a vacation when we had a lot of fun. That was hard for me to do. This was my self care boobytrap. In trying to take care of myself I made my heart hurt more than it already did and it hurts a lot. I know leaving was the right thing and I wouldn’t go back and ubdo it but so many things about today made me feel deeply sad that my kids are children of divorce - and I’m the one who decided they would be. I left. I filed. He’s said he didn’t want any of this. I am definitely the bad guy. But I’m actually the good guy. I’m proud of myself. I just know it will be years before they ever understand if they even do. And right now they just miss Daddy. He’s finally gotten his ducks in a row (ish) and sees them every other weekend with partial supervision. His having them this weekend proved that this boundary is absolutely necessary. I’m just sad. All around sad that right now they get neglected and treated like baby dolls when they’re with him and when they’re with me they’re testing boundaries and regressing because change is hard and it sucks and this is scary and they miss Daddy. This is just plain awful. And I have done my dilligence in reaching out to others just to talk or be fun or see how they’re doing, not even wanting to talk about me and it’s radio silence more often than not. Truly probably 99% of the time people just aren’t available and never get back to me until they see me in person and remember they need to apologize. Why are our lives so busy that we can’t make time to connect with others? I’m a single mom and I have time. And I want to connect. Not even to vent or talk feelings but just to talk or be supportive to them. They don’t even have to listen to my crap. And good thing because they don’t even want to listen to my joy. I think I’m doing the best I can. I’m not miserable. Feelings are healthy. Speaking of healthy, I’ve been sick for the entire time we’ve been here. Kids got sick last weekend. One had booger’s running out the eyes and no one did anything or called the doc though the plan was don’t hesitate to call the doc for them bc doc said I had strep (even though the test was negative) and we all have chronic cough issues or asthma that get worse when we are sick. I’m not convinced mine was strep as I still feel awful. They’re both better though. I have a new understanding the phrase clear eyes. That was nasty. But I hate eyes. A doc had to hold my eyes open and use a crazy scary tool to get gravel out of my eye when I was ten so I just get very squeamish about eyes.

 I will stop rambling. Hope everyone is well. Get on your self care horse and don’t get off!