This seems to be a common theme with my PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I don't know what causes it specifically, but like every few days I get it. I was reading my grade for a big assignment last week, getting ready to start this week's homework. I'm working on my PhD in Psychology. My heart sunk at the B-, because I feel I did A+ work. There were no comments to help me get better, just a big F U in my face. The only thing I have in my life right now is school. I'm not some asshole that lives for grades. I do a lot of work. I go above and beyond. It's the only thing on my plate thanks to PTSD. I need to know why. So, I wrote the teacher asking. But, now I'm sitting here. Zero will or energy to put towards todays homework. Defeated. Completely. Crying. Screaming inside my head. Feeling like I just want to die. Over a grade! HAHA WTF It's not just a grade, it symbolizes my power in this world. I don't know why...! It's the only thing I'm doing. If I can't do it, then what am I doing? Wasting my life. Wasting my time. Why not just die. Oh, I guess it's worth mentioning I am also Bipolar. They say that mental disorders go hand in hand with high intellect. That's a thread of information that spins around in my head when I have these episodes. I definitely have the crazy down. I wonder how many of those geniuses go crazy before they reach their full potential. 50%? 75%? I took an Ativan, hopefully that will help. I guess I just feel powerless, when I'm trying so hard all day every day to improve. To not be stagnant. PTSD loves stagnation. I'm fighting against the current, and I just got swept back two miles. I think I could get through it, if I didn't have this screaming in my head. I try to fake being fine, but the screaming snaps me back to my negative PTSD reality. I literally feel like driving to the middle of nowhere and just screaming at the top of my lungs for hours. Until I have no voice and I just crumple over and die. And, the day just started. God, I'm such a peach.
I got up anxious this morning because at the end of the week I have to return from Mexico, where I plan to retire, to my workplace in the USA, where I have 2 years more to go before retiring.It's not just about going back to work, it's about going back to work at a school that's having such trouble with dwindling enrollment that it's making ends meet by asking older teachers to retire. Then it...
Does anyone else exercise on a regular basis? I go to the gym about 5 times a week. I have found this greatly improves my mood, gives me energy and reduces my suicidal ideations.