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Very sad night, This particular weekend is very hard for me, bad I guess the word is anniversary.....bad memories
I feel hopeless & helpless
Im a broken woman in many ways
I’m trying to breath, & if I can get the breaths in & out a little better & more slowly than that will be an accomplishment for this evening
We are here for you,you are not alone.
((((( safe gentle hugs )))))
Personally, I feel much more comforatable among the broken people.
"Breathe 2am" Anna Nalick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHEj4cRhm3E
Like last night, when I had insomnia such that I didn't get to sleep until dawn was breaking.
Fortunately, I am on a school break between the Spring semester and beginning to teach summer school, so it didn't screw up any of my responsibilities. But it's a pretty serious symptom to have after so many years of therapy and support group recovery.
I just have to be gentle to my little baby soul about it, and forgive myself for not having control of my day/night schedule and how my past traumas awaken. They revisit me and keep me awake sometimes running like squirrels in one of those circular cages, racing to nowhere.
The thing for me is not to punish myself for being this way. Life made me this way with its traumas. What matters to me is whether when it comes to the next thing I can be functional, and I can.
It's another reason why I find it to be a good thing that I live alone and don't live with anyone else, or I'd be embarrassed for them to see I don't control my insomnia unless I'm working teaching school and living on a school schedule. Instead, I figure it's no crime to be up all night, there are people in the world who work night shifts and are full fledged members of society anyway, right?
When school's not in session, then, I work the night shift with my squirrels in that cage in my mind and try not to let it shame me or wear me out too much. If people judge me, let them live through my list of traumas (car bombing at 9, gun to my head at 15) and let's see how they sleep at night. Betcha they might not...
I know, like a lot of pop songs, that the song purports to be about a love affair, but if you talk to songwriters that's just a selling point, they're really usually about emotions from life in general that are bigger than that. Filter that out and re-purpose it and it's about you and me and our PTSD.
"'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe"
Just the fact that this song found an audience of millions (that Youtube alone has over 9 million views) is comforting to me. As alone as I feel in my life long insomnia, I know that I'm not actually all alone, that millions share my feeling, if for various other reasons.
My favorite painting is about it, too, a painting of a diner late at night and the few insomniac customers there in their aloneness. Its having a big audience does the same for me and my aloneness. Wikipedia says "It has been described as Hopper's best known work and one of the most recognizable paintings in American art."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nighthawks
The folks at those diners late at night aren't all there because they went clubbing or had cool things to do. Many are up like we are. We're not alone, lilmiss, we're all just trying to breathe.
Holy cow! As I was writing this I was listening to a Fresh Air NPR interview with an actor. After it, they did a short review of a new rock album by a guy I never heard of. Turns out he was writing about that same void in a song he just put out. He uses the word "hole" in his song about--get this--INSOMNIA. It's Jeff Rosenstock's 2018 album POST- (as in Postmodern) and the song's title is 9/10. It's about a guy who rides the subway at night because he can't sleep.
9/10 by Jeff Rosenstock from the album POST-
https://genius.com/Jeff-rosenstock-9-10-lyrics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn153yNxXtI
" Every night you go to bed
You wake up just a little more in pain
Every time you’re dressing for a sunny day
The clouds surprise you with rain
Every cigarette you smoke
‘cause you’re addicted to a quiet source of company
Every time you told ‘em you were busy
‘cause you’d rather go to sleep....
Every vacant moment you’ve exhausted all the options
That you thought could fill the hole
Every star you’re wishing on
Just hoping for a little self-control
Tired of feeling selfish
Tired of feeling restless
Tired of feeling down"
Another validation that we're in pain and tired, yes, but we're not alone in pain and in being tired, lilmiss, for what that's worth. Hope it's worth a lot.
Hugs <3