Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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First and foremost - use this to go left field all you want!!!
Hubby was up and out the door for his new job at 4:30am this morning. He should be starting home about now, or might be already on his way, but it is an hour and a half each way. He has not worked in three years and with the extra 250lbs he is carrying, not physically up to it. Mentally he has been dying (literally, thus the extra 250lbs) for the stimulation. Only that he is currently ON antibiotics is keeping him from getting sick. As today was his first full 12 hour day, he is going to come in like something the cat drug in.
So, what have I done in my role of supporting wife to prepare for his return??? Well, I managed to catch a bit of sleep from 2am to 6am, completely missing him leaving, yet not enough to not be exhausted. Well, the first thing I did was wash the comforter on the bed. I should not smell wet dogs when the dogs are on the floor.
When that came out of the washing machine, in went a load of towels into the wash and the comforter into the dryer, though I had no real hopes of it actually DRYING in there and later just hung it on a door with great hopes as it is the only King sized one we own. A load of sheets followed the load of towels - might as well have clean sheets to go with a clean blanket...
But I had to keep my mind under control. It wanted to race! To notice how alone I was. To dwell on everything that has to get done and how much of it falls on me... so I sorted laundry in my room, though I am far from finished. I searched my room and the living room for my wallet. I have not used it in two weeks, but it has to be SOMEWHERE!!! Then I went and sorted some small business stuff and got it packed.
I woke my daughter up at 10am and we got dressed and out the door. Into town to get tabs (registration) for my horse trailer. I could not bring my Service Dog as she is currently having an allergic reaction to something and looks like a mange ridden thing, so she had to wait in the SUV. I walked with my cane, which apparently had lost its rubber-baby-bumper bottom and wanted to slip on every surface but carpet. Oh, never did find my wallet.
So then I am standing in line with a handful of paperwork and a picture ID from the college from two years ago, stressing out just a tad that it won't be enough. They did take it as ID and $23 dollars later we head out and I wait in the SUV while daughter runs next door to the hardware store for a new rubber bottom for my cane. While she is gone, I am reading the paperwork and we bought tabs for the wrong trailer. Though the little trailer is great for going to the dump or camping, it is not going to hold 1000lbs of hay. So back in once daughter gets back to spend another $23 to get the tabs for the horse trailer.
Then we do bit of driving for daughter for her work. No big deal, just me being up and in a car without having brought any pain meds - or antipanic for that matter.
Daughter has a GREAT idea to take part of her paycheck and run to the next town and get my hubby his all time favorite teriyaki. Again my poor Misha waited in the SUV while daughter and I sat and ate our food, bringing back hubby's. We got home at about 2pm.
On my best days I can be up and moving for two or three hours. Even with a 2 1/2 hour nap, being up and moving for six hours has my pain levels through the roof.
Daughter has already left for work at the haunted corn maze - in the pouring down rain. I have been alone for better than an hour now.
Hubby is going to get home within the next hour, and I am too worn out to even carry on a conversation with him. At least my daughter was not here to watch me cry.
I did a LOT - but for the wrong reasons. I kept myself physically busy to hide from my own mind.
Today I should have been resting. Tomorrow is going to be h###. An hour to the horses to pick up the horse trailer (and put the tabs on it) hitch, sweep the trailer floor, then drive 90 minutes as everything is slower with 22 foot steel trailer behind you to the hay place. Then please let them load the 1000lb round bale without my help!!! And another 90 minutes back to the horses.
Have daughter pull the trailer as close to the front pasture as possible and tie the bale to a tree and pull it out of the trailer that way. I hope that works.
(HUBBY is home!!!!!! Heated up his teriyaki chicken and got him a glass of milk)
Then I pull my horse out and put on his pulling harness. He is not a draft horse, but thank goodness I taught him to pull a cart before teaching him to ride. I have 100 feet of rope ready to attach my horse to the bale and then I encourage him to work muscles that have been unused for a year or so to drag this bale into the pasture. Once that is done - I can be done.. daughter can do the rest.
My horse gets untacked. The bale gets unwrapped so the horses can munch, but the top stays covered. Then the rest of the horses get pulled into the front pasture and we stick around to make sure that everyone plays nice. There will also be unhitching the trailer and parking it - though not in that order.
If everything works out as it is supposed to, we should be home before hubby...
Monday I can rest... I can't keep up this pace. How do I not sabotage myself? How can I keep my mind quiet enough to hold still physically? If I keep pushing myself this hard, I will wind up in the hospital from my broken back.
Tomorrow can't be helped. I am the only one who can get hay for the horses, who are missing dinner tonight as there is no hay. They won't be able to eat until we bring the hay. Only two of them are mine, well one mine one my daughter's. The owners of the other four don't have a way to get hay until next week.
It is the rest of the week I am worried about. Hubby will have a couple days off work here and there, but his schedule is for 50 to 60 hours a week. I have to learn to live in my own mind, to be slowly functional, not leap off and let myself drown myself in physical exertion.
My daughter is here to help and after tonight will no longer have a job, but has an interview for a full time job.
If hubby is willing to push himself to work, I have to pull myself back to be ok alone.
Hubby was up and out the door for his new job at 4:30am this morning. He should be starting home about now, or might be already on his way, but it is an hour and a half each way. He has not worked in three years and with the extra 250lbs he is carrying, not physically up to it. Mentally he has been dying (literally, thus the extra 250lbs) for the stimulation. Only that he is currently ON antibiotics is keeping him from getting sick. As today was his first full 12 hour day, he is going to come in like something the cat drug in.
So, what have I done in my role of supporting wife to prepare for his return??? Well, I managed to catch a bit of sleep from 2am to 6am, completely missing him leaving, yet not enough to not be exhausted. Well, the first thing I did was wash the comforter on the bed. I should not smell wet dogs when the dogs are on the floor.
When that came out of the washing machine, in went a load of towels into the wash and the comforter into the dryer, though I had no real hopes of it actually DRYING in there and later just hung it on a door with great hopes as it is the only King sized one we own. A load of sheets followed the load of towels - might as well have clean sheets to go with a clean blanket...
But I had to keep my mind under control. It wanted to race! To notice how alone I was. To dwell on everything that has to get done and how much of it falls on me... so I sorted laundry in my room, though I am far from finished. I searched my room and the living room for my wallet. I have not used it in two weeks, but it has to be SOMEWHERE!!! Then I went and sorted some small business stuff and got it packed.
I woke my daughter up at 10am and we got dressed and out the door. Into town to get tabs (registration) for my horse trailer. I could not bring my Service Dog as she is currently having an allergic reaction to something and looks like a mange ridden thing, so she had to wait in the SUV. I walked with my cane, which apparently had lost its rubber-baby-bumper bottom and wanted to slip on every surface but carpet. Oh, never did find my wallet.
So then I am standing in line with a handful of paperwork and a picture ID from the college from two years ago, stressing out just a tad that it won't be enough. They did take it as ID and $23 dollars later we head out and I wait in the SUV while daughter runs next door to the hardware store for a new rubber bottom for my cane. While she is gone, I am reading the paperwork and we bought tabs for the wrong trailer. Though the little trailer is great for going to the dump or camping, it is not going to hold 1000lbs of hay. So back in once daughter gets back to spend another $23 to get the tabs for the horse trailer.
Then we do bit of driving for daughter for her work. No big deal, just me being up and in a car without having brought any pain meds - or antipanic for that matter.
Daughter has a GREAT idea to take part of her paycheck and run to the next town and get my hubby his all time favorite teriyaki. Again my poor Misha waited in the SUV while daughter and I sat and ate our food, bringing back hubby's. We got home at about 2pm.
On my best days I can be up and moving for two or three hours. Even with a 2 1/2 hour nap, being up and moving for six hours has my pain levels through the roof.
Daughter has already left for work at the haunted corn maze - in the pouring down rain. I have been alone for better than an hour now.
Hubby is going to get home within the next hour, and I am too worn out to even carry on a conversation with him. At least my daughter was not here to watch me cry.
I did a LOT - but for the wrong reasons. I kept myself physically busy to hide from my own mind.
Today I should have been resting. Tomorrow is going to be h###. An hour to the horses to pick up the horse trailer (and put the tabs on it) hitch, sweep the trailer floor, then drive 90 minutes as everything is slower with 22 foot steel trailer behind you to the hay place. Then please let them load the 1000lb round bale without my help!!! And another 90 minutes back to the horses.
Have daughter pull the trailer as close to the front pasture as possible and tie the bale to a tree and pull it out of the trailer that way. I hope that works.
(HUBBY is home!!!!!! Heated up his teriyaki chicken and got him a glass of milk)
Then I pull my horse out and put on his pulling harness. He is not a draft horse, but thank goodness I taught him to pull a cart before teaching him to ride. I have 100 feet of rope ready to attach my horse to the bale and then I encourage him to work muscles that have been unused for a year or so to drag this bale into the pasture. Once that is done - I can be done.. daughter can do the rest.
My horse gets untacked. The bale gets unwrapped so the horses can munch, but the top stays covered. Then the rest of the horses get pulled into the front pasture and we stick around to make sure that everyone plays nice. There will also be unhitching the trailer and parking it - though not in that order.
If everything works out as it is supposed to, we should be home before hubby...
Monday I can rest... I can't keep up this pace. How do I not sabotage myself? How can I keep my mind quiet enough to hold still physically? If I keep pushing myself this hard, I will wind up in the hospital from my broken back.
Tomorrow can't be helped. I am the only one who can get hay for the horses, who are missing dinner tonight as there is no hay. They won't be able to eat until we bring the hay. Only two of them are mine, well one mine one my daughter's. The owners of the other four don't have a way to get hay until next week.
It is the rest of the week I am worried about. Hubby will have a couple days off work here and there, but his schedule is for 50 to 60 hours a week. I have to learn to live in my own mind, to be slowly functional, not leap off and let myself drown myself in physical exertion.
My daughter is here to help and after tonight will no longer have a job, but has an interview for a full time job.
If hubby is willing to push himself to work, I have to pull myself back to be ok alone.
I carry my PRN anti-anxiety meds in my bag, which also contains my distracting Book, my Sketchpad, a bottle of cold water, a snack, you name it. I look like I'm ready for a campout, but speaking as one who suffers chronic pain also and gets zero pain meds at the moment, that pain reallllly wears me down into Panic Mode a lot, so I am going to start carrying crack-and-apply emergency first aid ice pakcs, too. Then when in a vehicle, at least, I can ice soething that hurts. It's lousy, but it's all I got for future reference....
Big big big soft healing hugs:-)
Because this is new, one day at a time and see how this schedule works for all of you with your husbands days off! We're here for
you. The horses have their hay, I hope that helps ease your mind. Much support and calming thoughts in the days ahead. Healing Hugs and Prayers for low pain!
Hope you are resting well today