WARNING DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERED BY INCEST ALCOHOLISM OR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Also VERY long!!!

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Some of you may be aware that my kids were taken into care years ago because of my mental health problems and child protection issues. My kids were both showing signs of having been sexually abused before they left me and my daughter alleged that my partner her Dad had anally and orally raped her. She was 7 at the time. There was a police investigation and a Crown court trial and my daughter recanted. I then believed her Dad over her for years. 3 years ago when my daughter was 16 she told me again that my partner really had abused her and I refused to believe it. We haven't spoken on the phone or face to face since and she is still holding firm in what she is saying. She told me in no uncertain terms that I'm disgusting for siding with him over her all these years and that until I get him out of my life for good she doesn't want to know me. Can't say I blame her really, now. 

As for my son he told me in family therapy 8 years ago when he was 14 that my partner did the same things to him as he did to my daughter. Again like a bloody fool I ignored him and disbelieved it. Recently I asked him again if my partner did anything to him when he was little and he denied it. When I reminded him of what he said before in family therapy he denied saying it. He even said he didn't believe my partner had abused my daughter his half sister (they have different dads). So now I think my son is in deep denial about my partner abusing him even to himself. A way of coping and surviving I guess. We are not talking right now for different reasons but now I know why he was so angry with me. 

What a bloody mess.

So you may wonder how come I am no longer in denial about these awful things?  Well I am 3 weeks into recovery from alcoholism with the help of AA and my Higher Power and you my dear friends on DS. I've managed 18 days sober now out of 23 and things are starting to click into place. It was Monday morning when the penny finally dropped. I was just doing my morning meditation and I heard a voice in my head say to me Molly (my girl) is telling the truth. Why else is she still saying these things at the age of almost 20? Come on Manda open your eyes girl. All the signs were there that's why you went to the police. And I did. It was me who raised the alarm after she told me what he did. For 3 months back then (2004) I believed the truth. But it was too painful so when my partner contacted me around our daughter's birthday I fell for his lies and bullshit. And when Molly recanted at court and then the child psychiatrist expert witness at the care proceeding for Molly 2 years later said my partner hadn't abused her I then had no reason to not believe my partner. Especially because for 9 years whenever I asked Molly if her Dad had done anything she kept saying no. Because even though logically it seemed my partner was 'innocent' I always had a little niggle or kernel of doubt in my gut about it. But I kept ignoring it and drinking on it . I know now that alcohol aids and abets denial. So when I put down the drink I started looking at this man I have spent almost half my life with. 

And I'm horrified at what I can now see.

He used to knock the shit out of me and force me to have sex with him when I really didn't want to. I didn't see it for rape at the time. Now I know it is. And that's not all. Mental and emotional abuse and financial abuse as well. That's 'all' he does now but its sufficient to keep me toeing his line. Worst of it is its mostly done with what I now know to be 'false' kindness. He very rarely shouts at me now but is more into guilt tripping me and shaming me for my mistakes in drink. However it was HIM who was manipulating me and enabling my addictions in order to have power and control over me. He has brought in beer twice this last week because he says he likes me better when I'm drunk or stoned because I'm easier to control. At this moment in time I'm completely dependent on him for money. He even keeps hold of my own cash card for my bank account so any money I do get from the dole for my disabilities (a lot of which are down to being abused by him for almost 23 years)  he controls. Anything I spend I have to account for every penny. And provide receipts. It was Valentines Day yesterday and he bought me the first four parts of a magazine series called MInd BODY and Spirit including angel cards crystals and aromatherapy oils. I can now see it for what it is. Manipulation and grooming. I had to pretend and smile and go 'oooooh lovely thank you so much' while inside I am harbouring revenge fantasies of taking a chainsaw to his nether regions and leaving him incapable of raping any other woman or kid. The bastard. I think he knows he is on a bloody sticky wicket with me and being extra nice to make me feel guilty for wanting shot of him. I haven't told him I want shot of him yet. He most definitely will be going in the next 3/4 months so I can get all my ducks in a row financially my support network in real life set up and my sobriety remains intact. If he keeps bringing beer in this house him leaving will happen a lot quicker whether I'm skint or not. Either way he is a toxic evil piece of human waste and I can't believe I have been so bloody stupid to believe his lies over my kids' truth all this time. I'm fucking furious at him and even more so at myself. I have severely let down and betrayed my babies and I'm bloody gutted by that. That cunt must have bloody LOVED it when I fell out with both of them because then I was totally isolated you see. Its only by going to AA and making new sober friends that I have found the courage and strength to strip away the illusion around this monster and see him clear. I know I have been a victim of this abuser as well as my kids but I was an adult for Christsake I could have got out but what chance did those poor little buggers have? My God the guilt and remorse I feel is overwhelming :'(

So I know what I need to do now. I need to get down on my bare knees and grovel at my kids feet and beg their forgiveness for denying their reality for so long and for failing to protect them from that arsehole. And for staying with him putting him and myself before them. I need to try to make amends for my mistakes with them both even though I can never make up for what that wanker did to them. I can be there for them now and forevermore  til I meet my Maker. I can try my darndest to help heal some of the damage he inflicted on them and me as well by being his puppet on a string. God I'm sickened at myself never mind the disgust I feel at my soon to be ex partner. I really don't know if my kids will even give me the time of day to be honest and I wouldn't blame them for feeling that way. But I must try. I owe so much to them that I know I can never repay. In any case even if they ignore my phonecalls or texts or emails or letters I will go visit them face to face if I need to. And I don't care how much it will cost in train fares they are more than worth it. They need to see my face and body language and my eyes and tone of voice to know I'm for real and being genuine and sincere. I would go to the ends of the earth for them and I intend to prove that in deeds not just words. Learning in AA that its all about action is really helping. 

So yeah its a bloody mess and my feelings are pretty extreme and intense at the moment. I want to kill that man with my bare hands but I don't want to do time for a worm like him and then not be there for my kids. In the meantime he is still living here and I'm having to fake a smile for him when really I want to knock his fucking block off. I absolutely cannot give nothing away of what I now really believe to be true because if I did I could be in grave danger. He went to prison for beating me 10 years ago and back in July last year he got physically aggressive with me and the police were called. He spent a night in the cell and was all sorry the next day having escaped with a caution because I made excuses for him. He still blamed me for it though. Typical abuser. He said if I hadn't gone into town the week before to the pub and saw other men he wouldn't have lost his temper with me because he was scared they would abuse me!!!!!! Bloody rich coming from him eh? He spent the first 10 years of our 'relationship' (my incarceration more like) falsely accusing me of flirting with other men and having affairs with them behind his back even though he had no proof of it happening because I wasn't bloody doing it. This he said was the main reason he used to knock me about. What a crock of shit!!!!! And I know now that those who falsely accuse others of wrong doing are usually guilty of doing the same wrongdoing themselves. He used to spnd hours in the pub after work leaving me at home to feed the kids bathe them and put them to bed all n my own. Then come home roaring drunk late at night and expect me to cook dinner for him and have sex with him. Then getting angry with me when I refused to do either. I admit on a couple of occasions I lost my temper first and hit him first out of sheer frustration. The last time I did it he put me in hospital for 4 days. And he did it in front of my little boy who was only 2 years old at the time. I didn't hit him again for ages after that but by that time he had been jailed for beating me and didn't fancy going back to the clink again for the same thing. Other inmates don't like wife beaters and they really really don't like nonces. I haven't hit him for 4 years now. But I certainly feel like doing it now. Thing is I could probably get away with it because of what I've been tolerating for years and now I see it has contributed to my PTSD in a HUGE way. He came near me last night and I literally flinched. He was like, why did you nearly jump out of your skin just then? And I was like, oh my nerves are a bit jangled love getting used to being sober haha. But it wasn't that at all. I'm frightened shitless of him and what I might do to him if I can't control my anger towards him. I'm trying to think of him as a very sick man in order to be able to tolerate him for just a few months more til I get my money sorted. Then he is bloody well gone. Must stay sober else I won't be able to pull this off. But my God it will be worth it if I do.

Well that feels better lol. Please no judgement. I know I did wrong by my kids but I'm in the know now and staying that way and will do my utmost by them from now on.

If you got this far thanks for your patience lol it was a novel :)

My best to you all

Manda xxxx