I'm sorry you feel that way. I have no words for you because I know what that low feels like. I know that no matter what anyone says, you'll have to find the answers within yourself. Life can and will surprise you when you least expect it.

My sincerest hopes are with you, that you'll ride out life and live for the moments that make you smile. May life's course provide you with rejuvenated hope.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!

*head asplodes*

I have ranted like that. I have sincerely MEANT those ( paraphrased ) words.

I have to take drugs to not be in that and even worse states of mind.

Welcome to Major Depressive Disorder.
...it gets field promotions to General Disaster fairly often...

As your lawyer, I advise pills. I take 4 psych meds to enjoy my insanity properly. And 5-htp. And coffee.
Better med than dead. Medication's reversible.

We all croak. Life has only the meaning we give it. Collecting crap that advertisements program you to want is empty of real joy.

What's worth it? Good days, real moments, the people I love, sex, chocolate, yoga, driving too fast, sadomasochism, writing a good poem, lucky breaks, silly jokes and ghoulish humor.

Laughing at the horrorshow helps lots.

Btw, none of us know enough about the full ramifications of our lives to make value judgments of ourselves, to decide if we are worthless or not.
And for that matter, neither did those who abused us.

If you treat people as valuable, funnily enough, they end up being valuable.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/09/18/161159263/teachers-expectations-can-influence-how-students-perform

Huge hug of comfort for you wlkgr.... I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now
When in a depression it can feel as though we've been there forever and there is no way out of it.... That's what the illness tells us and that's why it's such a serious illness
I'll just hug you and give you some of my light... I hope it will help a little ...I have been lost in the darkness as well however I've gotten out of it with help and over time.... Depression wants us to listen to it... Please hang on....xo

I know how you feel.. and I do have major depression. I'm here if you ever want to talk or even just rant!

Hang in there, you aren't worthless, you mean so much =)

Yes, your life is so much worse than all of ours.

You say you are 30, but are you acting like it?

Thank you for trying to attempt to bring us all down by yelling at us and referring to us as being ignorant.

You need not to come back unless you are going to change your attitude. I am sorry but we do not have to deal with your hatred for us here.

Just because you believe you are worthless does not give you the right to take it out on us.

I would suggest getting some help and not offending those you are reaching out to in the process.

You said, "I know I'm worthless and worthless things are not worth keeping around. I'm done. I've done much good in my life." Is there no contradiction here?

But...

I won't argue with your summary judgement of yourself while I reserve the right to hold a different opinion. You are alive. I respect and value life wherever I find it.

I've given myself the same talk you outline here, too. I got to the end of hope. Weirdest thing, there was something to life beyond hope. Beyond all the pep talks, just beyond hope itself. I kid you not. It was a real surprise. I'm still here. I don't know how to explain it. But it did me good to refute all the usual arguments for hope and get to that point, get down to business. Then I think I really started to take charge of my own life. May this lead to a renewal of your own kind for you, too.

I recently left the forum, but just happened to have a few minutes and decided to logon. My mistake I guess, because I saw your post and could not resist just on more post. But I do want to suggest a adding TW for trigger warning on any future posts like this. There is a lot of anger in your post and it is very depressing.

I agree with some things you say. The world has become a bad place full of self centered people who are only out for themselves. They will put another person down, tear out their hearts if it means they get to look good in front of others. They will step on anyone including their own mother if it meant a promotion at work. They will express outrage, but do nothing. Welcome to the understanding of people. We are programed for survival, right now in our society people are just surviving. There is more stress in our society today then ever. The internet, emails, demands we are on constantly. We do not get a chance to relax, unwind and have fun anymore. It is we need this, we need that, we have bills. You are right, there are big problems in society and now that we are in a global market world problems and conflict are spilling into our backyards.

I guess the good news or bad news is that you are not alone. In fact the 1 in 3 people are suffering from some kind of mental illness now. Worse part is people normally suffer without getting help because in our society, it is considered a weakness to get help. Sad really when you think about it.

So what you ask? I have just told you a bunch of crap you already knew? Well, I lost all hope and frankly I don't have much confidence and hope that I will ever work again. Work was everything to me. I PTSD on the job, and was forced out. I got another job, I lost it in 7 months. I went to school and got a diploma. Got another job lost it in 7 months. I got another job, and got fired from it after 2 months. Feeling rather worthless, like no one wanted me, my husband yelling at me, I feel into a deep depression, (I have major depression and PTSD), My PTSD symptom on high, I crushed up enough Seroquel to kill myself. I told myself repeatedly that I was worthless and everyone would be better off without. I could not stand myself, I hated the person I had become. After all I had such a promising career. All gone. I could not even hold a job. For someone who lived by "as long as I am performing well at work and getting good reviews and moving up the ladder, I am fine". This was the worst thing for me. The end of the rope. It sucked.

But you are still here? Yes, I am. Why, well, honestly, it was a well placed call by my daughter. She called my cell, to tell me that she had good news. As she happily told me about her big news with an energy and excitement so nave, it made me realize that I could not do that to her. She is 19 years old, she did still need her mother and she was going to need her mother to help her through the tough times. To bounce ideas off of etc. If I killed myself, she would be left to navigate the shark filled world on her own. Her and I are close as are my 2 boys.

So there I was with a bottle of Seroquel ready to off myself and my daughter called. Perfect timing. I cannot live with myself, I cannot stand myself, I hate myself and what I have become. I loser, worthless. So now I cannot kill myself and I cannot live with myself. It took me a while to get up the courage to go to the hospital and admit the problem I had was to much for me to handle. I felt defeated, even more of a loser because this was my second hospital visit in 3 years. It was humiliating, degrading and one of the hardest things I did.

What I did not realize then was it would also be the best thing I ever did. I got a good doctor, a really good doctor. He changed my meds, and worked with me. I decided to open my mind and really try to do everything they suggested. I did not want to do this again. It was time to get my life back and my plan was not working. I did the deep breathing. At first I felt stupid and it did nothing, but as I opened my mind more, it started to work. I started feeling good, relaxed and calm. My doctor saw I was really trying so he set me up with a trauma expert. I am so lucky. I thought I knew about PTSD, well, I have learned a ton more. I have saw brain scans of ptsd triggered brain, I have seen before and after treatment brain scans. The difference is amazing. The treatment works. I opened my mind to believing after seeing the scans. I believe this treatment will work for me. I have committed to making myself well.

I have grown from this experience for more than ever before. I know understand. I cannot change the world, there are still the awful people out there, the ones that would run you down in there car just for kicks. I cannot change them, but I can change me. I was not happy focusing on the crap in the world, life etc. I am focusing on me now, my family and finding things that interest me. I took up photography and it has made me realize how many beautiful things I walked by everyday without noticing. By taking time to notice these things I feel better. It makes life livable and balances out the crap. Things seem so much easier to deal with now. My depression and PTSD symptoms have eased up.

I am not cured, but I guess I have found peace with the crappy world and the crappy situation I am in. I still have bad days. I was really depressed today, maybe that is why I checked in today. I have been really off today. Having trouble remembering, been distracted and a bit stressed. That is ok, I don't get angry with myself. It is ok I give myself permission to have a bad day and start a fresh day tomorrow. It is hard and sometimes I even think it is too much work to try and get well. Again, everyone has bad days, let yourself have your moments and move on.

So how does this relate to you? Well, take what you can from it or what you want too. You need to be ready to ask for help or it does not work. You need to trust those trying to help you. You are angry and you likely have reasons for that. PTSD loves to make people angry. I was so angry I was scaring myself. I worried what I was capable of doing. That anger is gone, it has been replaced by a peace that I have found with myself and my situation. If you take meds, good, if not you might want to consider them. Meds only do about 30% of the work. 70% is up to you. So the question you need to ask yourself are you ready to take the next step? Or are you comfortable living with these horrible feelings? It really is up to you.

This group is a support. Yes there is a lot of negative stuff on here. Yes there are a lot of problems explained here. That is why TW was developed. You don't have to read anything you find upsetting.

Self help is available. Look at www/dbtselfhelp.com. Start with one thing and work on changing that. Maybe it is to say one nice thing about yourself for 30days. Once you feel comfortable with that move forward with another, and another. Do not move on to anything else until you are comfortable with what you are trying. Stick with it. I find progressive muscle relaxation before bed is perfect for me.

Best of luck on your journey.

Thanks for a great, complete share, CC.

Okay, you win. Whatever contest it is, you win. You're the most abused, most damaged, most angry, most fill-in-blank, whatever you need to feel. And whatever... we'll still be here to listen/read, etc. Take your time, just remember that however permanent the pain seems, it's not as permanent as self-annihilation in any form. Been there, seen that abyss, hated this world and all in it, and it's more tiring than the da*n pain that inspires it in the first place. Rant away!

i have been where you are at im so sorry just so you you know none is really worthless i know the anger your feeling . life is a challenge it dose not make any since sometimes but even threw the the why of it ,
heres the thing im in my 60s i have had more happen to me then the avage person . it take forever to explain i have been to h...ll and back there not to much i have not been threw i tried to end years ,ago today im glad i didn't . i hope you hang in there i do give crap i have been abused as a child then an adult life is better now thanks for serving , my son went over there a few times he has pstd there lots of hope in the post below its good your here ,

i have sever ptsd so you see i have had it forever i , im ok its not prefect but i get up and find hope inside of me and others like me there no cure , it well bother you from time to time you have to learn how live again you have the keys to your prison door hug min