Marah, The first trauma was at 6 m/o, followed by decades of more, including a lot of witness to trauma. Yes, it does get more manageable. I have seen a variety of counselors over many years, with breaks in between. I have a huge toolbox, though sometimes don't use it. Life will get better; you will get better. Loving and comforting hugs.

It got better for me with PTSD recovery for sure, but the first 12 years were tough. I know, 12 years, twelve. I was slow to open up in therapy, even though I went every week for all those years and spent all that money. I didn't even once mention the car bombing overseas when I was 9 years old for all of those weekly sessions for those 12 years.

That's why I talk about it all the time here now. My therapist told me that repetition brings mastery. Instead of the image of a cocoon and a butterfly, his image was of a chick pecking its way out of its egg shell to hatch.

Apparently the chick's neck is developed by the effort of pecking its own way out through the shell with its beak. If anyone pecks through the shell from the outside to help, it actually hurts the hatching process. Then the chick's neck isn't strengthened enough to be able to hold its head up once it does get hatched from the shell. That can mean that the chick might stick its head out of the shell but then have its head teeter and wobble until its neck breaks and it dies.

Pretty scary story, huh? It was to me. But it did motivate me to keep pecking away, and to stop my complaining that nobody out there is helping with the pecking from the outside.

The thing is, it seems that I peck away and hatch from one egg shell only to discover after a while that I'm then in a larger egg and there's that shell to peck through to hatch again, too. It seems that PTSD recovery isn't just a matter of hatching from one egg as a chick once and forever.

I don't know if this makes any sense, extending the metaphor this far. But it does seem that PTSD recovery for me is like a series of hatchings over and over. Parts of my heart and mind seem to incubate and then hatch and be born, come alive.

So it's not all the same, it's not futility without progress, it seems the next hatching is always to something bigger, But it does seem that pecking away to get stronger is my job every time I hatch to something newer and bigger, as I can become more independent and high functioning with my PTSD. I guess that's what my therapist meant when he said that repetition brings mastery.

It can be both. My symptoms and reactions are pretty ingrained in me. But so is my belief that I am worthy of trying.
Yes I will be managing my cPTSD for my life, just like balancing on a bike for the first time. I can't reach the ground with both feet, so I lean in for support. Then I learn what the peddles can do and work to try them in a ungainly manner, finally managing to balance. But if I stop? I will need to rest again, to lean and utilize the tools. Adjust the seat, move the handlebars etc.. But the wind feels so good when I am the cause of it instead of the target of it. So I push the paddle and try again. Eventually I will be able to do this much easier.

Practice, push, peck and gain the strength. Adjust as needed.

I am 7 years in my program to save myself
Hugs J.

Basically, I agree with Jewells.

Yeah, jewells, thanks for reminding me that managing CPTSD is for life, that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I not only need to pace myself in my efforts, but to pace myself in my expectations, too.