As of last night at 8 p.m. I'm in a state under curfew.  I don't take to curfews well there's a history why.  I was arrested under curfew in that past.  It's not about work, I don't mind working from home.  I worked all weekend picking and choosing each homework assignment for each class I teach from now until semester's end.  But my PTSD that brought me here to DS PTSD has its roots in trauma during a previous long curfew I lived through years ago, and so I'm struggling with this curfew my governor declared yesterday.  I don't blame him for declaring it, I'd do the same.  But I have previous trauma issues with curfew.  They are triggering my PTSD now, and I'm having trouble sleeping, even with my PTSD sleep medication.  I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, try as I did to get my rest.

As to working from home, no problem by day, then, thank goodness.  My electronic textbook company gave me an hour yesterday with a computer tech support rep via a Zoom meeting.  I fumbled around a bit, but he hung in there with me, and agreed to double check them all one by one to be sure what students saw when they went to them on their computer.  We uploaded them all online to my community college's learning management system on our web page, and then double checked them from there, too.  Bless that computer tech support person's heart, let me tell you.  Heck, I'm 61 years old, so I started teaching well before there even WAS an Internet.  Therefore  I'm thankful and amazed that I got it done as an old dog learning new tricks. 

But at night after the 8 p.m. deadline went into effect for curfew yesterday, I had trouble.  I had a night of PTSD insomnia.  I decided to fight it by promising myself I'd ask for support here, and I'd remember to cope by being grateful.  A DS PTSD member got me to start keeping a daily gratitude journal 3 years ago so I'd remember something positive every day against my PTSD's hypervigilance symptom and how it's wired me to look out for threats.  I wanted to share what I wrote today for my mental health, as that DS PTSD suggested that I do and have done for 3 years now.  This pandemic isolation is really putting my gratitude journal to the test. 

With yesterday's curfew declaration triggering me, I'm really grateful we have this Internet thing. 

Why?  Here goes.

First, the Internet let me keep my job working from home.  I'm just grateful that I have tenure and I still have a job.  I saw on the news that lots of folks don't.  Because I still have my job, I can afford the expense of ordering groceries via the Internet.

Second, I live alone and have no family, and was just in the hospital at the end of February right before this pandemic started.  That hospital stay made me thankful for this Internet I learned to use late in life.  In addition to my job, it has also supplied me with a built in support system for when I'm sick or injured like I was in February.  It gives me a family of choice all my own here, my DS PTSD friends. 

Third, when yesterday my state's governor ordered a curfew as of 8pm last night, I was faced with the new fact that I'd have to pay a stiff fine or even do jail if I went out against curfew.  I live in a tiny apartment alone and I haven't dated in the last 10 years, so I was a happy hour regular for a margarita (just one) every day at my local neighborhood pub.  I miss that social life now, it was the only social life I had.  But a couple of the people I met there live on my street, so I see them from a social distance now and still get a wave and a shout out.  Suddenly, I'm more thankful for that little gesture than I ever realized I would be before this pandemic started.

I mention often that I'm here at DS PTSD because I grew up for 10 years in a war zone as a missionary kid abroad.  This crisis under a health curfew isn't the same as a war curfew, but there are similarities in that both were matters of life and death.  They also were enforced by the authorities.  I was arrested three times for breaking curfew back then because I got squirrely about staying in as a kid, understandably for 10 years on end.  If you want to see what it was like for that decade, the Netflix movie A 12 Year Night portrays it perfectly.  One of the 3 true life people portrayed in that film was a friend of mine, and he got arrested, too.  It wasn't fun.

TRIGGER WARNING

Once during those 10 years under curfew, I was arrested alone.  Once again, I was with my father we were both taken to jail together, which was quite a family experience, especially since my dad was a pastor at the time and we were posting flyers announcing church revival meetings. 

Then once more I was just 4 blocks from home down my street on a Sunday afternoon on a walk with 3 guys from my high school.  As I've mentioned here, that last time is a prime reason I'm here at DS PTSD and under psychiatric care for life.  The officer on patrol on my street that day put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger twice.  The gun jammed, and so I'm grateful gun technology was a failure and I'm still here, and now I'm grateful Internet technology is a success and I'm here online with supportive friends who share my PTSD diagnosis and coping with it. Technology giveth and technology taketh away, huh?

So I don't want to be arrested for breaking curfew any more, I'm 61 now, beyond the age for that nonsense.  Besides curfew itself triggers my PTSD because the last time I lived under curfew it was for too long, 10 years.  A fourth arrest for violating it would certainly trigger PTSD flashbacks, since I already have them every day and take Prazosin for PTSD nightmares every night.  Thankfully, though, I'm pretty sure that here in the USA any officer would never come close to taking things as far as that officer did back then when I was living in the developing world abroad when I was a kid.  I'm no less squirrely about staying in, however.  I'm an out and about kind of guy, out and about to such an extent that I go to Mexico (where I plan to retire next year) every chance I get to.  That, too, is on hold now, as are my plans to meet my 2nd best friend ever down there again, like we have in the past, as my friend of 37 years died suddenly on March 13th during this pandemic.

I just wanted to go on record here saying that as an old guy who came late to the Internet that I'm glad I can get out and about virtually during my curfew this time, at least.  My thanks goes out to the folks now who maintain my wifi and maintain those servers that keep this thing going so we can meet here.  When I get squirelly like I do I remind myself that they deserve my special thanks today.  If you can, I'd like to know if you would help me cope with my curfew squirrelyness with the gratitude tools I learned here at DS PTSD.  Support welcome.