I am on ipad, so apologies for typos,
So long story short, Mom has always had contempt for pyschology and those who use it, as patients or otherwose. We butted heads about it in early 2013, when I knew my post medical trauma anxiety was out of,control, and I wanted help. Hence my PTSD dx and unrepressing of some bad stuff, and so on, and she did not want to know it, did not like my being i psych care, and we did not argue si much as agree to,not discuss it so we would not argue, unless I absolutely had to confirm facta with her.
Fast forward, Mom braintumor is kostly out, it mad ethings messy in her head and by early 2015, well, we were not on good terms, so.... wait, I am thinking...
Ok, it is this. Mom says she does not recall last two years. Okay. Or, if she does, she wants to "lock it away and not think about it". I am hoping the neurooncology people can persuade her into a neuropsych epval using the tumor treatment as leverage, but hold little hope.
I know I am stubborn and can be abrupt when upset, and Mom is too, but...
Shit, the point is, I cannot just pretend she did not do and aay hurtful things to me the last couple years, or at todays visit for that matter, and intellectually I am sure I should write it off to the tumor but two patterns are emerging in Moms behavior.
One is, continued insitence psych is BS. I other words, that has not changed.
Second is, the tumor is suddenly an excuse for every last thing. If she does not wanna, or is rude, or whatever, Oh, I have a brain tumor, you cannot be upset with me.
Eerrrr.... Yes I can. Be ause the tumor did not make Mom mean.
It stopped her having inhibitions and social awareness. In short, did to her brain what moonshine does, if you drink a lot of it on an empty stomach. You are not sayong or acting against your Self. Your Self just has no concern for what leaves your mouth.
I had a panic attack in her presence today because of this. It just sorta hit... all that crap she did, was really coming from some part of her. OK, we al, have icky thoughts, etc.m but she repeatedly called me a bitch, insulted Hubby, and I am facing that... I thought she was getting meanish because of my PTSD dx and my being i therapy. Now she claims that was all the tumor. But ... it is not. was not. She really laid into me about how she is sick of me discussing the past, and me being all messed up "because of" therapy (yeah, rape and abuse and medical trauma had zero impact...)
I know Mo needs psych help herself. This is huge stuff she faces. But... she lashes out at me. Still. Again. And it feels like I did not get my mom back, and she only does it if no one can hear, and it is way too much like bad things. Today I brought her a new manipedi kit at her request and she criticized it as not like her old one (which we never found) and we bought it at the wrong store and and and... I kept my voice calm, but I was shaking, and inside I was screaming.
i know the tumor is HER trauma, but I feel like it hurt me, too, and f she goes on not getting help for the emotional fallout.... It will always be this way. And I am just obviously a rambli g exhausted mess, so I will stop now. I took my epilepsy meds before typing, and those do ot help my communication skills.
WTF do I do? am I allowed to feel hurt? Ho the heck do I deal with her using the Tumor Defense, when I know her well enough to know it is BS? HELP?
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