Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Yes, I snappedI cant really say why I cant remember most of it. I broke everything I could get my hands on. Even after my hands were full of gashes and cuts, broken glass everywhere still in a blackout fury.
Nothing justifies my actions and I hate the way I acted and dont like facing it
Last thing I remember is not wanting anyone near me, wanting to be alone
I had spent over 17 years with one of the worst men, he abused me in every way possible. Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, financially. I was belittled, beaten, tied up, raped, isolated, denied basic needs, medical needs. I was his possession and toy in ever way, and thats all I was to him. Some of the things he did, I dont even want to complete the sentence in my mind, let alone admit it to someone. Yes I realize some is blocked out, and you know what, I prefer not to remember
It took 5 cop cars and a tazer to get my children and I to safety, that was in 2004.
2 years ago with the help of a crooked lawyer, crooked real estate agent, against court orders, restraining orders, against leins I put on the home. He had the home I worked for and was living in put up for sale, I lost everything including the 3 years of child support owed (while he made 200,000 a year clear). I have videos of them B&Eing my home (with pepper spray and a 2x4 to control my dog!) Videos of them planning it out, planning out wreaking me. (home surveillance) Proof of perjury, forgery, submitting false documents, false affidavits
ALL WHILE I WAS SICK, they thought it was advanced MSturns out to be brain aneurysms
I had one brain surgery (craniotomy, Dec 08, during which my children were worried and upset, the exs comfort was to tell them if he had just killed me then there would be no problem now)I still need one more craniotomy to make things okayto save my life
I cant help but wonder if these aneurysms are a result of his beatings, I have suffered so much head trauma at the hands of this man.
Now I hear he has acquired guns and ammo and his intention is to kill me and the RCMP that helped me get to safety
Im having a hard time dealing with the fact that I face death everyday (without his help).
This week alone~ stabbing headaches, vision problems, numb arms and legs, smelling things that are not there (krazy glue so bad my eyes watered and nose burned, fire, rotten fruit, ammonia,)
My second surgery was booked for Oct 5th , had 3 teeth pulled to get rid of infection before hand, but the infection stayed, surgery was cancelled.
Been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, hes been caught in numerous lies, incriminating texts, dirty pics he sent and received, then things deleted from phone to hide incriminating things, singles sites hes on. Back in April I said if he is going to delete and lie we have nothing, I cant take lies, be honest. I went to my girlfriends for the night (as it turns out what he deleted were calls to lavalife and other personal dating phone lines). While I was gone, he went to plenty of fish and hooked up with someone 3 hours away. Then of course lied about it. I saw the nudes he sent her, got her number from his phone and called. She knew nothing of me but told me all, she was very nice. He of course kept lying, Still dont have honesty from him, but he says he made a mistake and wants to be with me only. So I stayed and we are (well it seems I am) working on our relationship.
End of Sept., I was stressing the infection was still there even though they had pulled the bad teeth, and I needed to get to the doc, was told by boyfriend it was most likely just pain from extraction. (I felt insulted, I had a punctured sinus from ex, always gives me probs, especially with the bad teeth, always gets infected, and at the time I was blowing yellow and green from itinfection!) called neurosurgeon on 1st , get to dentist or doc, cannot have infection for surgery on the 5th . Went to doc on 2nd and got prescription for antibiotics, also for ativan, doc said too stressed. Keep in mind this was supposedly my last weekend before surgery. (there were complications with the first surgery, I came out unresponsive and they had to go back in, blood flow was blocked off to the brain, lucky to be all here and relatively normal right now) Told BF I was scared shitless and needed him, needed to spend time together (we live together) He went out of his way to avoid that IMO anywayscalled friends asking them to come over then left me sitting alone for hours while they chatted. (But that was my fault, I am antisocial because I didnt just come outside on my own to join them.) Well on 4th prescription is just that, still a piece of paper. Doc says surgery is cancelled, will reschedule when infection is gone and clean bill given. Boyfriend gets home from work and gets mad (what do you mean cancelled, why cancelled, apparently he didnt understand the part of them pulling the teeth to get rid of infection, apparently he didnt understand infection right beside the aneurysm was a no go for surgerymy bad again I guess) BTW, I guess on the 4th his boss, offered him the 5th off so he could be with me for surgery, up to when he got home I had no idea how I was even getting to the hosp, no word of him being there for me. He didnt ask, his boss offered
After this, I felt alone, I felt he didnt care and it was all a lie.
Can anyone see my point here or am I nuckin futs?
BTW while I was in surgery the first time, he left the hosp and was sexting chicks, I cant help but remember that and half assed expect it again, but here I am bringing up the past no way to work on the future he would say.
So yeah, the following weekend I snapped, dont know what set me off, but I know a lot was eating me up inside.
The ex
The boyfriend
Surgery
My kids
Being sick
Basically everything in my life
I told the boyfriend I wanted to sleep in the motorhome alone, and sent him to the house. I guess they found me in the morning amidst the mess sat morn and his mom took me to the hosp for stitches. Didnt see him around, he stayed away.
I have been told I have numerous PTSD symptoms, and doing the checklists and things I see about it, I have them all to the 10th power. I have shared this fact with no one except here on DS.
I am not in counseling; I want the past to just GO AWAY! I dont like to discuss what happened during those 17 years, how will that help? I dont need someone knowing all the gory details and looking down on me for it.
Maybe I cant hack one thing being said to my face and actions speaking different, tired of it.
Maybe with the shit from the past, I watch for a clue of it about to happen and avoid it, nothing wrong with that right?
Maybe people should just be honest and not say things that arent true.
Maybe I dont trust him because of what I have found out and have to deal with alone.
Maybe the aneurysm is pressing on my brain and causing me to act weird and see things weird.
Maybe the stress is too much.
I dont like the fact I snapped and I dont justify it with any excuse
Though I would like to know why so it wont happen again.
Im starting to think I just need to stay alone
There is no love, there is no caring there is no honesty
Not that I can see or find in my life
If Im alone, then I will not expect these things to exist
I am at a point I dont know what to do.
Pack a bag and start to walk down the highway, say goodbye to it all, not give a crap
Contact the shelter and go for councelling, get a PTSD dx and start therapy for the past.
Go after the ex, real estate agent and lawyer as best I can on my own legally, or just U-tube the vids and let them come after me. Or just leave them laughing at me, slandering me
Try to explain to the BF what is going on, or keep my mouth shut. He knows some of the past, ( I will never tell all) has no clue of PTSD.
Leave and go it alone, keep people out of my life.
Get a gun and go after the ex before he comes for me, God he had me locked up for 17 years, a murder sentence would be a piece of cake comparatively.
Go for surgery and hope I make it out okay, or pray to god to take me during it.
Skip surgery all together and let the aneurysm take it course, bursting, hopefully with no one around so I can just die.
Maybe it isnt PTSD, maybe it isnt the current lies and bull or the past lies and bull
Maybe I am just nuckin futs.
Maybe life made me this way, maybe it didnt.
I dont think it is my destiny to be loved or be happy
Maybe it is my destiny to just snap and never come back to reality
I am so confused and scared and feel so alone, leaving reality could be a blessing
Nothing justifies my actions and I hate the way I acted and dont like facing it
Last thing I remember is not wanting anyone near me, wanting to be alone
I had spent over 17 years with one of the worst men, he abused me in every way possible. Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, financially. I was belittled, beaten, tied up, raped, isolated, denied basic needs, medical needs. I was his possession and toy in ever way, and thats all I was to him. Some of the things he did, I dont even want to complete the sentence in my mind, let alone admit it to someone. Yes I realize some is blocked out, and you know what, I prefer not to remember
It took 5 cop cars and a tazer to get my children and I to safety, that was in 2004.
2 years ago with the help of a crooked lawyer, crooked real estate agent, against court orders, restraining orders, against leins I put on the home. He had the home I worked for and was living in put up for sale, I lost everything including the 3 years of child support owed (while he made 200,000 a year clear). I have videos of them B&Eing my home (with pepper spray and a 2x4 to control my dog!) Videos of them planning it out, planning out wreaking me. (home surveillance) Proof of perjury, forgery, submitting false documents, false affidavits
ALL WHILE I WAS SICK, they thought it was advanced MSturns out to be brain aneurysms
I had one brain surgery (craniotomy, Dec 08, during which my children were worried and upset, the exs comfort was to tell them if he had just killed me then there would be no problem now)I still need one more craniotomy to make things okayto save my life
I cant help but wonder if these aneurysms are a result of his beatings, I have suffered so much head trauma at the hands of this man.
Now I hear he has acquired guns and ammo and his intention is to kill me and the RCMP that helped me get to safety
Im having a hard time dealing with the fact that I face death everyday (without his help).
This week alone~ stabbing headaches, vision problems, numb arms and legs, smelling things that are not there (krazy glue so bad my eyes watered and nose burned, fire, rotten fruit, ammonia,)
My second surgery was booked for Oct 5th , had 3 teeth pulled to get rid of infection before hand, but the infection stayed, surgery was cancelled.
Been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, hes been caught in numerous lies, incriminating texts, dirty pics he sent and received, then things deleted from phone to hide incriminating things, singles sites hes on. Back in April I said if he is going to delete and lie we have nothing, I cant take lies, be honest. I went to my girlfriends for the night (as it turns out what he deleted were calls to lavalife and other personal dating phone lines). While I was gone, he went to plenty of fish and hooked up with someone 3 hours away. Then of course lied about it. I saw the nudes he sent her, got her number from his phone and called. She knew nothing of me but told me all, she was very nice. He of course kept lying, Still dont have honesty from him, but he says he made a mistake and wants to be with me only. So I stayed and we are (well it seems I am) working on our relationship.
End of Sept., I was stressing the infection was still there even though they had pulled the bad teeth, and I needed to get to the doc, was told by boyfriend it was most likely just pain from extraction. (I felt insulted, I had a punctured sinus from ex, always gives me probs, especially with the bad teeth, always gets infected, and at the time I was blowing yellow and green from itinfection!) called neurosurgeon on 1st , get to dentist or doc, cannot have infection for surgery on the 5th . Went to doc on 2nd and got prescription for antibiotics, also for ativan, doc said too stressed. Keep in mind this was supposedly my last weekend before surgery. (there were complications with the first surgery, I came out unresponsive and they had to go back in, blood flow was blocked off to the brain, lucky to be all here and relatively normal right now) Told BF I was scared shitless and needed him, needed to spend time together (we live together) He went out of his way to avoid that IMO anywayscalled friends asking them to come over then left me sitting alone for hours while they chatted. (But that was my fault, I am antisocial because I didnt just come outside on my own to join them.) Well on 4th prescription is just that, still a piece of paper. Doc says surgery is cancelled, will reschedule when infection is gone and clean bill given. Boyfriend gets home from work and gets mad (what do you mean cancelled, why cancelled, apparently he didnt understand the part of them pulling the teeth to get rid of infection, apparently he didnt understand infection right beside the aneurysm was a no go for surgerymy bad again I guess) BTW, I guess on the 4th his boss, offered him the 5th off so he could be with me for surgery, up to when he got home I had no idea how I was even getting to the hosp, no word of him being there for me. He didnt ask, his boss offered
After this, I felt alone, I felt he didnt care and it was all a lie.
Can anyone see my point here or am I nuckin futs?
BTW while I was in surgery the first time, he left the hosp and was sexting chicks, I cant help but remember that and half assed expect it again, but here I am bringing up the past no way to work on the future he would say.
So yeah, the following weekend I snapped, dont know what set me off, but I know a lot was eating me up inside.
The ex
The boyfriend
Surgery
My kids
Being sick
Basically everything in my life
I told the boyfriend I wanted to sleep in the motorhome alone, and sent him to the house. I guess they found me in the morning amidst the mess sat morn and his mom took me to the hosp for stitches. Didnt see him around, he stayed away.
I have been told I have numerous PTSD symptoms, and doing the checklists and things I see about it, I have them all to the 10th power. I have shared this fact with no one except here on DS.
I am not in counseling; I want the past to just GO AWAY! I dont like to discuss what happened during those 17 years, how will that help? I dont need someone knowing all the gory details and looking down on me for it.
Maybe I cant hack one thing being said to my face and actions speaking different, tired of it.
Maybe with the shit from the past, I watch for a clue of it about to happen and avoid it, nothing wrong with that right?
Maybe people should just be honest and not say things that arent true.
Maybe I dont trust him because of what I have found out and have to deal with alone.
Maybe the aneurysm is pressing on my brain and causing me to act weird and see things weird.
Maybe the stress is too much.
I dont like the fact I snapped and I dont justify it with any excuse
Though I would like to know why so it wont happen again.
Im starting to think I just need to stay alone
There is no love, there is no caring there is no honesty
Not that I can see or find in my life
If Im alone, then I will not expect these things to exist
I am at a point I dont know what to do.
Pack a bag and start to walk down the highway, say goodbye to it all, not give a crap
Contact the shelter and go for councelling, get a PTSD dx and start therapy for the past.
Go after the ex, real estate agent and lawyer as best I can on my own legally, or just U-tube the vids and let them come after me. Or just leave them laughing at me, slandering me
Try to explain to the BF what is going on, or keep my mouth shut. He knows some of the past, ( I will never tell all) has no clue of PTSD.
Leave and go it alone, keep people out of my life.
Get a gun and go after the ex before he comes for me, God he had me locked up for 17 years, a murder sentence would be a piece of cake comparatively.
Go for surgery and hope I make it out okay, or pray to god to take me during it.
Skip surgery all together and let the aneurysm take it course, bursting, hopefully with no one around so I can just die.
Maybe it isnt PTSD, maybe it isnt the current lies and bull or the past lies and bull
Maybe I am just nuckin futs.
Maybe life made me this way, maybe it didnt.
I dont think it is my destiny to be loved or be happy
Maybe it is my destiny to just snap and never come back to reality
I am so confused and scared and feel so alone, leaving reality could be a blessing
And one thing you really need to understand, is that trauma changes the way our brains function - there is a physical change that takes place - and that's why you need a good PTSD specialist to help you bring that back to normal. The longer you wait - the more you learn to avoid - the worse the PTSD will get, and the more work it will be to treat.
Trust me, I am speaking from experience. I was in an abusive relationship for 11 yrs. & ended with suicide, with me in the house to find him. I went through a lot of what you are going through - trust issues (and you are not wrong to feel what you are feeling about your BF - if you feel it, then your feelings are valid - period - and the stuff he's doing is not healthy behavior - so dont' ingore your red flags just because you feel like you are losing your mind at the moment) The anger, dissociating, feeling nuts - all very normal symptoms of trauma. It took me 3 yrs to figure out what was wrong with me & start treatment. I've done a lot on my own, but I haven't been sucessful at kicking this thing all by my self. I'm back seeing a specialist & hoping maybe to get things under control once and for all. We are doing Bio-feedback right now - I don't know what other methods we may end up trying - I know he does EMDR as well (and you can get some level of EMDR treatment from walking, running & bike riding - biking worked wonders for me)
All of us are changed for ever because of our traumatic experiences - but you can use it to be a stronger wiser person. It is a very tough battle - but well worth it. PTSD is definitely treatable - it's been arued if it's curable or not - but either way, it's worth it to take the steps you need to take to feel better --- and DO NOT expect instant results - it takes time, persistance - persaverance - and some patience with yourself - you won't always like the way you feel/act/etc. - just keep working on it & give yourself a break - you've been through hell & survived - kudo's.
All the stuff you are worried about - try to prioritize and only work on one thing at a time in the order you feel you need to do it and in the time you feel like you need to do it.
~ hugs & good luck
I have quit trying to date for now - I'm not ready & still working on myself (and I already wasted 7 yrs in a second relationship after the 1st one - I didn't feel loved by him either and it made me get worse) -- but I'm actually reaching a point where I can maybe invision myself being w/someone & having a loving relationship -- just not going to hold my breath for it ~ being able to be happy on my own comes first.
As for your heath issues - that is scary - I can only send good wishes & hope for the best
i really hope your health is going to get better...my ex and his family have came after me after court for my order of protection. still to this day they have found ways to stalk me and they claim to be in a gang..what wusses.
but i heard they were all bad asses..oh well i go on no matter what..their day will come..go old karma always gets em..
God be with you and take care..you are your on testimony no one else can tell it cause it wasnt them that went through it..so hun chin up the best you can..we are all survivors trying to take the next step forward.
hugs from steps