Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Ive noticed Im a bit agoraphobic in my recovery from my last PTSD crash in 2011. I probably was before then, but didnt admit it to myself. Being here with others whove developed the same has really helped me. Talking about it for the first time with friends here, I even see how at times its not just limited me, but its been beneficial so Id have some me time for reflection. In my family abuse system, as in many of our families, being subservient to others needs was priority one. So talking about thats been good.
Im out and about. Im leaving Chicago today by train home from my Spring Break trip. I went out 2 nights of 3 to see friends while here, and Im proud of that. Yes, I stayed in my hotel room the rest of the time. Yes, I cleaned my own room to keep the hotel personnel from cleaning my room while here. Not saying Im not agoraphobic and a neurotic PTDS. :-)
But Im more aware, and more functional socially than I used to be before I came here and found others posting about agoraphobia PTSD symptoms, too. Its really helped me navigate the world with this. It was a good Spring Break Chicago trip thanks to DS PTSD and that feeling of being connected even when out in the world.
How do you find your way with PTSD agoraphobia, if you have it?
Im out and about. Im leaving Chicago today by train home from my Spring Break trip. I went out 2 nights of 3 to see friends while here, and Im proud of that. Yes, I stayed in my hotel room the rest of the time. Yes, I cleaned my own room to keep the hotel personnel from cleaning my room while here. Not saying Im not agoraphobic and a neurotic PTDS. :-)
But Im more aware, and more functional socially than I used to be before I came here and found others posting about agoraphobia PTSD symptoms, too. Its really helped me navigate the world with this. It was a good Spring Break Chicago trip thanks to DS PTSD and that feeling of being connected even when out in the world.
How do you find your way with PTSD agoraphobia, if you have it?
Well, after my "break" last spring? I couldn't even stir off my "safe" place (couch-bed associated with my physical recovery) without fear. I was terrified of being alone in the house and had to fight to make myself leave the house to go to therapy or doc appts. Somtimes taking PRN Xanax on the latter, b/c som eof my "secondary" PTSD (for lack of better words) stems from medical-related trauam in 2011. (My therapist calls that my "simple" PTSD versus the "complex" underneath it from my family stuff.)
Sometimes I don't manage. I get scared so easily! And I know what scares me is not space---it's unfamiliarity. It's people. It's that sense of un-safety. Not danger---but of un-safety. I can deal with a sense of danger---that is apparent, real, obvious threat. "Un-safety" to me is the assumption that something is lurking....chomp! to get me. And until I'm home in my zone, I'm unsafe.
I've gotten better. I can sit in a car in a parking lot for up to 40 minutes. I can leave the house in the car. Note: I do not drive, so these are all expedition with my hubby, but often, when he runs to the store, I sit in the parking lot and just... draw or hum or breathe or all three and remind myself I used to walk boldly two-three miles alone, do th eshopping, walk home and never once go past "yellow alert". (I lived at yellow, I now realize.)
These days? I'm closer to orange than red (assume red is can't leave the building at all) and hope to even get back to "yellow" for a funcitonal level.
It's hard. People are used to the old bold me. Now I'm... wearing my damage. Raw. Scraped open. Feeling in the whole world the fear I couldn't quite let myself feel as a kid, in order to stay safe/sane then. It's very confusing to me---to go from "who me? I'll be fine" to "I'm gonna die out there!"
I take a lot of baby steps. Ten minute at a store here. Half an hour in a parking lot there. I can't tolerate much car time with my injury stuff but I can... walk around my neighborhood with my hubby for my exercise (and his) for ten minutes every day. I can even still go outsside and lie in my yard under my pine tree in the sun when weather allows. I no longer clutch teh phone to me like a life line and count minutes till Hubby returns to make the house fully safe for me. I have better days---chat with a neighbor on the walk for a few minutes---hand cookies to the grounds guys---and bad days where I just wave and walk quickly on.
Guess the short answer is: Still finding my way. Still hoping that if I can't totally beat the phobia, I can manage it. I "beat" an ant phobia a few years before my accident, and even with my PTSD, it hasn't resurfaced, so I think I have reason for hope. OPtimistic realism.
And as my p-doc pointed out yesterday, I am learning to listen to my body's clues that my mind is more upset than I'm admitting.
I'd be interested in how others dea with this, b/c that overwhelming fear of "out there others" saddens me. I miss being able to bring friends into my home and not have fear, even...
But one baby step at a time, that's what I'm doing.
Leo
i'm at the point now i'm happy to just fill in dead time until my body finally leaves this sh*thole life.
lost all trust and faith in my fellow human beans.
completely can relate to Leo here with everything she wrote. Good to hear you had a good time. know you hadn't in the past w/ some.
I had no idea this had a name connected to PTSD. thought that it's just a disorder called agoraphobia. Now I know what it is. I have it.
Leo, I also had a therapy appointment yesterday- Along with others on DS, I had seen. During the session I asked my therapist: "soYou cannot see or notice this about me?" ALL of my LIFE ........i thought EVERYbody knew EVERYthing every THING about me ......BY just looking at my face. I still have difficulty grocery shopping. Using my slowed brain waves I have difficult time deciding cheaper items @..
I know people are aware of ... I have some type of mental problem. I'm learning how to shrug my shoulders and let stuff go finally - that is healing in itself. I just THINK, hey I went thru shit I shouldn't hve! People did this to me. That is where my feelings of anger show up. At times I would feel sense of "Un-safety" Leo described purrfectly!
Then like Leo, I got confsued and stayed 'unsafe' ..until I got home safe. l see a lot of familiarity with you Leo and it happens to others too. Good job of realizing....... identifying you..... It does get easier.
.........one baby step at a time. yes. (my little paw to yours) Leo.
That is for having someone else with me in my apartment. Plus last week my new care giver/ride giver/friend driving had me stop inside her house with her. She asked me if I'd wanted to go inside. She is very considerate as for helping me get thru my nervousness/panic/ feelings. I know at first when she met me she was baffled by all my abuse that I went thru with my dad. She even met my dad at --- old place... He had decided to Pop in - AFTER 2 YEARS of him having
no contact with me (he w/ more worried about get deposit $ . back) A couple months later he asked ( who she in your aprt that day?) I just said, who the girl who was heavy weight? (he hates fat people) just playing with his mind there so that his mind set would go to his disgust with people who are over weight. (btw: Mom was over 300)
The kicker is he'd bring in cake, cookies, pastries, pies.... because he knew she was depressed and would eat them. [he is sick man.]
She got it from him 24/7 mental... verbal... emotion.. psych.. until it got to her BIG TIME and she just gave up; could not take anymore of him. She died of a massive heart attack except it took her about close to two weeks for her body to give/expire. Did not know 5 day she was brain dead. After watching her just lay there day after day hoping she would go. That was hard. I would tell her and hold her soft, padded(fat) life-less hand telling her/praying for "It is ok if you leave us Mom" over and over each and every day for one week. It finally came the day she was gone. Actually it was around midnite.
............so sorry this all poured out here, WOW. (I forgot all this .)
dad, he got to Mom.
He did not get to me!
High Five Muji. (with my little paw)