at present, i am experiencing a great deal of functional paralysis. as the fourth anniversary of my second parenting career approaches, the "new normal" feels stable enough to trust. i still miss a great many things about retired life, but this new normal with my 3 orphans (hubby, too) has its perks. all five of us are ever so proud of the not-so-new-anymore home we have built together.

herstorically speaking, my over-developed flight instincts have been one of my most problematic psych symptoms. "reject before i can be rejected" was the foundation of all my relationships. gale garnett's song, "we'll sing in the sunshine" was the lullabye i sang to all of my lovers of whatever gender. don't shackle me with those sweet nothings, babe. sugar rots the teeth and i have enough dental problems, already.

of course my over-developed flight instinct has been buggering me over this last four years. munchkins demand even more of your life's energy than lovers of whatever gender or marital/partnership status. until recently, i have been considering it a triumph when i have been able to sit quietly in the face of my reflex to run for my life. until recently. . .

time and opportunity to develop my own interests have been opening up within this stable peace, but i have been falling into a state of dissociated paralysis at each of those opportunities. what if? ? ? what if? ? ? en caso de que? ? ? this morning's wandering wonder is whether yesterday's solution has grown into today's problem.

thoughts? reality checks? unsolicited advice? personal experience?