I find myself processing two in-law deaths simultaneously. My mother-in-law who died of old age/Huntington's Disease on the second day of my beloved's near death crisis and my brother-in-law who died of alcohol related illness earlier this year. The two people couldn't have been more different individually, but in my life, they were both in-law family. I was more bonded with my brother-in-law, but the mother-in-law has been far more present in my life since I held the "Therapy Funeral" for my birth clan in 1977. My brother-in-law was one of my supporters in that action. We stayed in touch by phone until his alcoholic condition grew into dementia and... Yes, this would be the husband of the younger alcoholic sister who nearly died this past summer. So far, she is not handling widowhood well, but her physical health has rebounded well enough that there is hope. She is still in her first year as a widow.

I never bonded with my mother-in-law. I did not learn of her Huntington's plight until the elephant out-grew it's secret closet somewhere in my second decade of marriage, so my early summary of her was to the effect of, "Meaner than a rattle snake. Likely to strike at any random moment." I now summarize those random strikes as Huntington's rages. I now know they are even more devastating to the patient than they are to the target. I have grown compassion, but compassion doesn't change the simple fact that we never bonded on any meaningful level. I still do not even feel like family in the fancy in-law living room. I can seldom even relax in the Five Star scene, wherever I encounter it. I'm okay with the sub-twit rating my mother-in-law gave me during her Huntington's rages.

But my beloved lost a mother. He knew her before the Huntington's asserted itself. He is processing the complexities of a lifetime. My feelings are valid, but ... ?Not highly pertinent to the complexities he is processing? My "Ears Open Mouth Shut" mantra does not work so well with a partner as it does with other relationships. He seems to need my feedback. I find myself weaving my confusion over sister and the in-law with whom I am emotionally bonded with his confusion over his lost mother and the parent who is in the second week of widowhood.

Just sorting... Thoughts welcome... I seem to be holding steady this morning. Not feeling too fragile about it all this morning. Not so sure about my husband, but he is not reading this. ?Diplomacy not necessary???