This has been a rough couple of years. This has been a rough four months. I never thought I'd be in this position. It feels surreal.

I've been so downand feeling unsupportable. 

I kept going to a support group that wasn't helping me because I felt like I didn't have any other options. I moved an hour away from my support group and I've missed them. Only one of them really keeps in touch and she's wonderful but I have so little privacy here. I can't talk on the phone and there's just something so impersonal about texting....I have missed my friends. They're good listeners. They're fun. They support me outside of Friday nights. They're growing. They're not afraid to admit that they're broken or they've slipped. They're human and they know it. And they may not get PTSD but they've never made me feel outcast. They don't tell me what to do or suggest books....they're truly supportive.

I was able to get out there tonight.

My husband has the kids now on Fridays. I haven't been able to justify going out to the group but my dear friend was speaking tonight and I wanted to be there to support her. Additionally, I've started driving for one of those delivery services so when I got off work at 3:30 I made my way over to that side of town. Only earning $25 today it was so worth the visit. And I think I'll go back every week, or most weeks for as long as my soon to be ex has the kids on Fridays. I needed that group tonight. I needed to hug people who get it, people who've heard, people who love me where I'm at.

He got served divorce papers this week and is now witholding money that was going towards bills we are still jointly responsible for. He said he's not paying for half our daughters medication because he'll have to pay for two lawyers here soon. My lawyer won't cost him a dime if he doesn't take this to trial and even if he does she won't cost much. It's a legal aide lawyer my city provides for low income citizens. I was referred to them by the agency in town who helps victims of domestic violence. Lots of cruel things. And then he's so excited to see the kids, acting like everything is fine and in his mind, maybe we're not even getting divorced. That roller coaster didn't affect me the way it would have three months ago. I am okay.

I'm still struggling at work but I am okay. I'm in a good place. 

One of my kids is growing like a weed. I can not keep up with her sizes and the weather is getting cold....but today I bought an outfit that will be a sure win becuase our whole family is in a dinosaur loving phase <3 I am so excited to pick them up tomorrow. I am so thankful and so full of joy in the midst of this crazines.

There's much to work through in my head, most of it about my childhood and I'll get there. It was so helpful that I didn't come home tonight after work, that I was able to make deliveries and visit with my support group. Home is not home. I remember being 13yrs old in my own bedroom thinking "I want to go home." I have never had a safe place to call home. Even living on my own I didn't want people to know where I lived. Nothing has ever felt safe. I'm only just now realizing that, realizing how much of a trigger soon to be ex was, in ways I never could have seen if I hadn't left. 

I want to be a safe, loving, fun, mom. I want to foster an environment where feelings are an acceptable topic to discuss and children feel safe and comfortable bringing up anything they want to talk about. I want to give them a better shot than my soon to be ex and I ever had.

I think what I'm feeling tonight is hope....