Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
So...I sometimes put things here that are from my journal. My journal is mostly so I can look back and see if there are any patterns, progress or regressions.
This is from my journal. Sorry I am being so long winded these days.
Between the Eating Disorder Support Group and seeing my regular tdoc i feel as if i am being torn apart. i guess I see this as being for the ultimate good but i am scared. Panic attacks at night. They really got going after the misunderstanding between myself and tdoc. I think that is mostly worked out now but it triggered the hell out of me.
I have realized that I use food to soothe as well as to keep people away. So many things I won't do because of my weight. My weight keeps me safe. I can depend on food. it never disappoint me. never lets me down. it is always there. I really understood this to be true tonight. I was planning on stopping at the store after the eating disorder group. i felt i needed to binge. All the way there i was planning what i would eat. It has been a craptastic couple of weeks made worse by events of the last couple of days. The meeting was a good one and by the time I left I didn't want to binge. But I had to. I couldn't let it go. I felt better and I had relied on people to help me so it was good. I still had to binge. it was like a back up plan. 2 layers of protection. It felt so horrible to binge. usually I feel an immediate response of being soothed even though it is usually followed by guilt. Tonight I forced myself to binge. What the hell is up with that?????
I really need to get some of the weight off for health reasons. It is so important and I am so afraid of failing. How can I want something so badly yet be unable to succeed?
It has just been so hard. So many things running through my mind. Realizing for the first time that i need to go back and look at the sexual abuse and see what happened and feel what happened then take care of that hurt little girl instead of continually invalidating her. I need to understand that i will be just fine without binging. i will be fine without the extra weight. It is ok to feel stuff....even bad stuff. I need to remember that it is ok to ask for help.
I need to know tdoc is in this with me no matter what. i need to know he will be there even if I get upset with him. I need to know that he will help me work through shit. I have never let anyone in the way I have let him in. I doubt he knows that. I will only speak 3 words when there is a novel going on inside of me. Nonetheless, I have said some really hard bits and pieces. I have invested and I want to work through screw ups instead of starting over again with someone new.
In other news....I think I broke the tip of my pinky toe. Kinda, sorta , maybe on purpose. I had one of those rubber toe separater thingies between my toes while I was painting my nails and when I went to pull it out it stuck. It was wedged pretty tightly in between my pinky and the next toe. I just kept pulling on the rubber thingy. I felt it pulling hard on my toe and hurting. Instead of stopping I yanked harder. It didn't budge so I yanked more. I felt a pop and there was a small crack. I gave it one more sharp yank and the rubber thingy came loose. Pinky toe is swollen and painful. I can bend it but it hurts and kind of turns in when I bend it. I wiggle it and bend it every so often so I can feel the pain.
This is from my journal. Sorry I am being so long winded these days.
Between the Eating Disorder Support Group and seeing my regular tdoc i feel as if i am being torn apart. i guess I see this as being for the ultimate good but i am scared. Panic attacks at night. They really got going after the misunderstanding between myself and tdoc. I think that is mostly worked out now but it triggered the hell out of me.
I have realized that I use food to soothe as well as to keep people away. So many things I won't do because of my weight. My weight keeps me safe. I can depend on food. it never disappoint me. never lets me down. it is always there. I really understood this to be true tonight. I was planning on stopping at the store after the eating disorder group. i felt i needed to binge. All the way there i was planning what i would eat. It has been a craptastic couple of weeks made worse by events of the last couple of days. The meeting was a good one and by the time I left I didn't want to binge. But I had to. I couldn't let it go. I felt better and I had relied on people to help me so it was good. I still had to binge. it was like a back up plan. 2 layers of protection. It felt so horrible to binge. usually I feel an immediate response of being soothed even though it is usually followed by guilt. Tonight I forced myself to binge. What the hell is up with that?????
I really need to get some of the weight off for health reasons. It is so important and I am so afraid of failing. How can I want something so badly yet be unable to succeed?
It has just been so hard. So many things running through my mind. Realizing for the first time that i need to go back and look at the sexual abuse and see what happened and feel what happened then take care of that hurt little girl instead of continually invalidating her. I need to understand that i will be just fine without binging. i will be fine without the extra weight. It is ok to feel stuff....even bad stuff. I need to remember that it is ok to ask for help.
I need to know tdoc is in this with me no matter what. i need to know he will be there even if I get upset with him. I need to know that he will help me work through shit. I have never let anyone in the way I have let him in. I doubt he knows that. I will only speak 3 words when there is a novel going on inside of me. Nonetheless, I have said some really hard bits and pieces. I have invested and I want to work through screw ups instead of starting over again with someone new.
In other news....I think I broke the tip of my pinky toe. Kinda, sorta , maybe on purpose. I had one of those rubber toe separater thingies between my toes while I was painting my nails and when I went to pull it out it stuck. It was wedged pretty tightly in between my pinky and the next toe. I just kept pulling on the rubber thingy. I felt it pulling hard on my toe and hurting. Instead of stopping I yanked harder. It didn't budge so I yanked more. I felt a pop and there was a small crack. I gave it one more sharp yank and the rubber thingy came loose. Pinky toe is swollen and painful. I can bend it but it hurts and kind of turns in when I bend it. I wiggle it and bend it every so often so I can feel the pain.
As for the food issues, I've not had major weight problems, but I'm a bit obsessive about the number on the scale. Reason being, I grew up watching my mother yo-yo diet. It's like she was a bulimic in slow motion. She had very bad eating habits and would get up to 200 lbs and then crash diet, getting down to 100 lbs in a matter of a few months.
May I put it out there that food is NOT the friend that never lets you down. In fact, food is your toxic relationship. Food wrecks your life. Food tempts you and lies to you, but in the end, it can kill you.
I used alcohol to "protect" myself so I didn't have to fact pain. Sounds like the weight is your armor. But it's a lie. It's just adding more problems to the pot.
I think your forced yourself to binge as a way of cutting, so to speak. If you are like me, you do things you know are bad for you as a way to self-loathe. I drank and smoked b/c I didn't think I was worthy of a clean, simple, well adjusted lifestyle.
I think it's a great thing that you are realizing that your behaviors are not what you want any more. It means that you are on your way to taking the next steps to break that pattern. I can feel that you are almost there.
What about turning this thing on its end and begin a POSITIVE upward cycle? : )
Say that you are worth good choices. Don't let food or the abusers win. This is the second time in a day or two I posted this suggestion, but I think "Fried Green Tomatoes" is in order! : )
I don't know if this is a good idea, but I fast for Ramadan. I don't eat or drink from sunup to sundown for a month. It REALLY teaches me a lot about my relationship with food. Not saying you should do that if you have an ED, but I wanted to share that with you because I think it's totally normal to have issues with food. It's such a visceral thing since I could quite drinking and smoking b/c I don't need them to live. But eating? You need calories.
Maybe if you only have foods that if you slip and binge, they are low calorie? Maybe take up some other activity so when you feel that urge, you do the other thing instead? Cross stitch so your hands are busy? Going for a walk?
How about writing a breakup letter to your trigger foods? Start thinking about food as medicine and only get super healthy ones?
I really had to get Buddhist on food- eat to live. Slow down my chews. Mindfulness when eating. I'll admit, my brain has pleasure sensors when it comes to food, so I make that quarter cut of M & Ms last- I really take in the moment. I try not to use food to help me "think." (I'd polish off half a box of cereal or bag of chips when I'd go to write my column.)
Anyway, I hope I didn't come off as a know it all... I've got many things I'm working on, too. But it's my way of trying to help and offer support.
Hope your toe feels better today.
Hugs.
I am pretty sure I use the weight as my armor. I wasn't sure until last night. It was more than the "desire" to binge, it was a "need". I got to talk about my stuff and feel accepted and I heard other peoples stuff and could relate. It was a good experience. I noticed that I didn't need to binge after all. But then that thought scared the crap out of me. Usually I am numb during a binge but I felt every moment of last night's binge. It made me feel awful.
I got down about my weight, too. It was last week. I don't over eat. It's that my nerve damage in my feet from chronic kidney disease makes working gym machines, bike pedals, and just walking across the room not only painful, but not work. The nerves are going. I feel them crackle in addition to the general pain. Once a day or so one of them dies with a real sharp pain like when the dentist hits a nerve.
If I could exercise like I used to do every day until 3 years ago, I'd feel that endorphine high I used to get, feel and be lighter, and work off some stress. As it is, I'm walking with a cane and I'm fat. I know how unfair it is that some people think it's my fault for being lazy and so forth.
Thanks for sharing about your feelings about your weight, Cecil I myself needed to vent a little about that.
Hope your pinky toe mends ok.
Judgements about me tend to be correct though. If i exercised more and ate less i would lose weight. I am ashamed I can't make those choices with any consistency. What those judges don't see is the pain the food numbs and the protection the weight gives.
Imagine this: The air is filled with toxic fumes and the only way to stay safe is to stay in your house. The windows need to be boarded up, doors locked. You can never go out because going out might mean death. Being locked up "safe" inside DOES mean death. It will just be slower. We will choke on our own stale air.
It is so hard. I know I need to keep working through this. Every day it passes through my mind that there is a half dozen reasons my therapist is a donkey ass and I should stop going. I know it is just part of me fighting the change.
My food issue turns out to be that my Prozac may be causing a weight gain despite my best efforts and calorie counting and all the rest..... Argh.... So Now I am torn between the Evil Voice of Doom in my head (my late dad, who'd think I was obese ten pounds ago, which is my ideal weight)--- I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. Eep.
I think you're right, the resistance usually means you're about to crack something big--- that's how it goes for me, alas. But hang in there, it may be something that'll realllly help you use those words piling up inside you.