Ive realized that these relationship issues are not all me but that I am attracted to or I attract a certain type of person. I also recognize that the last eight years with a man who has continuously warped my brain to revolve around him and his feelings, to think his thoughts, to do as he says I ought, has seriously deteriorated any self esteem and confidence that I did have. Sadly, the bulk of confidence and self esteem that I had was very short lived as my PTSD was diagnosed many moons before I met him. Healing was a long process that wasn’t really complete. I’m under the belief that our healing will only be complete when we meet our maker. I am a work in progress. And tonight, I am mad, furious, even infuriated. I am hurt, lonely, isolated and misunderstood. I am shocked, confused, paralyzed and a little numb. Despite all the truths, that it’s not all me, that a lot of this is caused by lies I’ve been believing and by the way I’ve been treated, that others carry a lot of the responsibility to the flaws in these relationships - I still feel hopeless for change. 

I know with some of the thoughts I’ve been having, that I can’t be thinking clearly. But it feels impossible to tell who is healthy/kind/not self seeking. It feels impossible to find a friend and as much as I sooo appreciate all of you this is weird for me. I want a face to face, someone to share a coffee with, a friend who’s kids play with my kids, someone to pray with. I hate what our society has become. Too many people hating people. I know I won’t always feel this way about myself, but I don’t have hope that my inability to connect and maintain a friendship will ever change.