Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I don't like it when other people's stress bleeds over into my life. I have enough of my own stress to deal with other people's stress. Looking behind, as Gandalf would say, has made me realize that it has not been my stress that has had me nearly shut down for the last couple of weeks.
Once again, it involves the most vulnerable part of my life, my horses. My horses are the most vulnerable part of my life because they are under someone else's control. Once we move, I WILL have them in the back yard so that they are never again the foci of my worries, but until then I am at other people's mercy for their care.
Currently, my horses are in the back yard, a five acre back yard, of a friend of mine. She is not horse wise in that she does not have the breadth of knowledge that I have. Several times in my life I have made my living caring or training horses and spent years pouring money into the process of rescuing and rehabilitation of abused horses. That is how I broke my back.
On the surface, it is a near perfect situation. My horses have large areas to run and play instead of cooped up in mud or stalls. There are other horses to play with rather than look over fences at. I supply what I want them fed, and at least 70% of the time, they actually get it. More than enough that instead of being thin with ribs clearly seen, they, well, they look pregnant. As we are coming into winter, fat is GOOD as it helps keep away ills and being cold.
The friend LOVES having me there as I let her know what is good or bad with how she cares for her four horses. She has ridden more in the last few months we have been there then she has in the last three years - because we give her confidence. My daughter is also, as time allows, training her horse to do more than just plod down the road.
BUT there is trouble 'right here in River City". I have to get my own hay, and sometimes hay for her horses - which I am not physically able to do, but when needed, do anyway. This put me in bed unable to move for three days. And I was supposed to do it again yesterday and meet a hay guy today in hopes he would unload where we needed the hay rather than just dropping it off. I had to cancel the hay delivery for reasons below...
My friend is having some severe marriage issues. Her hubby, who has to live elsewhere for LEGAL issues, has been looking for ways to hurt her emotionally. Threats of leaving seem to be weekly, scolding of not keeping the teens in check or the house clean enough seem to be daily. And then there is the 'you care more about the animals more than me' crap and 'everyone is taking advantage of you'. These last two are where I come into the picture...
MY horses are part of those animals she is caring for before him. He is sure I am taking advantage of her and has made up a list of physical based 'chores' I should be doing around the place. I was warned yesterday that he was going to be at the friend's house yesterday and 'might say something'. But she had mitigated it by doing what he was going to demand that I do yesterday.
To this I think two things...
1) my deal is with her, NOT him
2) I am no AFRAID to go out to see my horses.
Yeah, 'cause what someone with PTSD needs is a man who is just off of probation for a physical abuse crime 'talking to me' about how I am taking advantage of his wife and that HE has decided I am need to do maintenance on the property.
I don't want to hurt my friend... Everything else in her life is going to heck right now (though I think a set of divorce papers would solve MOST of those). SHE bends over backwards to see that I am happy with the care of my horses.
This afternoon I am going to go look at a small stable that is an actual business. There will be contracts on who does what in exchange for what. There are places to ride, something I don't have right now. It will cost me about twice what the horses are costing me now - but they will be 30 minutes away rather than an hour plus away.
So this afternoon I will have a choice, IF the stable we are looking at is great, I can move the horses and emotionally DESTROY my friend. OR I stay where we are and I have to verify with her on schedule to make sure I am only out to see my horses when her hubby is not there.
I have been having nightmares for near a month now about the situation my horses are in. Hubby says he just wants me happy. I am not happy, but I don't want to hurt my friend either.
Once again, it involves the most vulnerable part of my life, my horses. My horses are the most vulnerable part of my life because they are under someone else's control. Once we move, I WILL have them in the back yard so that they are never again the foci of my worries, but until then I am at other people's mercy for their care.
Currently, my horses are in the back yard, a five acre back yard, of a friend of mine. She is not horse wise in that she does not have the breadth of knowledge that I have. Several times in my life I have made my living caring or training horses and spent years pouring money into the process of rescuing and rehabilitation of abused horses. That is how I broke my back.
On the surface, it is a near perfect situation. My horses have large areas to run and play instead of cooped up in mud or stalls. There are other horses to play with rather than look over fences at. I supply what I want them fed, and at least 70% of the time, they actually get it. More than enough that instead of being thin with ribs clearly seen, they, well, they look pregnant. As we are coming into winter, fat is GOOD as it helps keep away ills and being cold.
The friend LOVES having me there as I let her know what is good or bad with how she cares for her four horses. She has ridden more in the last few months we have been there then she has in the last three years - because we give her confidence. My daughter is also, as time allows, training her horse to do more than just plod down the road.
BUT there is trouble 'right here in River City". I have to get my own hay, and sometimes hay for her horses - which I am not physically able to do, but when needed, do anyway. This put me in bed unable to move for three days. And I was supposed to do it again yesterday and meet a hay guy today in hopes he would unload where we needed the hay rather than just dropping it off. I had to cancel the hay delivery for reasons below...
My friend is having some severe marriage issues. Her hubby, who has to live elsewhere for LEGAL issues, has been looking for ways to hurt her emotionally. Threats of leaving seem to be weekly, scolding of not keeping the teens in check or the house clean enough seem to be daily. And then there is the 'you care more about the animals more than me' crap and 'everyone is taking advantage of you'. These last two are where I come into the picture...
MY horses are part of those animals she is caring for before him. He is sure I am taking advantage of her and has made up a list of physical based 'chores' I should be doing around the place. I was warned yesterday that he was going to be at the friend's house yesterday and 'might say something'. But she had mitigated it by doing what he was going to demand that I do yesterday.
To this I think two things...
1) my deal is with her, NOT him
2) I am no AFRAID to go out to see my horses.
Yeah, 'cause what someone with PTSD needs is a man who is just off of probation for a physical abuse crime 'talking to me' about how I am taking advantage of his wife and that HE has decided I am need to do maintenance on the property.
I don't want to hurt my friend... Everything else in her life is going to heck right now (though I think a set of divorce papers would solve MOST of those). SHE bends over backwards to see that I am happy with the care of my horses.
This afternoon I am going to go look at a small stable that is an actual business. There will be contracts on who does what in exchange for what. There are places to ride, something I don't have right now. It will cost me about twice what the horses are costing me now - but they will be 30 minutes away rather than an hour plus away.
So this afternoon I will have a choice, IF the stable we are looking at is great, I can move the horses and emotionally DESTROY my friend. OR I stay where we are and I have to verify with her on schedule to make sure I am only out to see my horses when her hubby is not there.
I have been having nightmares for near a month now about the situation my horses are in. Hubby says he just wants me happy. I am not happy, but I don't want to hurt my friend either.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
That was supposed to be that I am NOW afraid to go out to see my horses.
Also, as she works 10 hour days, usually 6 days a week, spending at least two or three nights a week with her hubby and not at her house, it is her teenage kids who are actually in charge of feeding and watering the horses... and MOST of the time it happens, but not always.These are the teens who were also supposed to help me with hay last week, but did not.
My gut feeling is "move the horses" if the stables are as good or better than where they are now. This is in the best interest of the horses and you. Having your horses away from you is stressful enough. You shouldn't have to stress about their safety or yours while you are in this situation where you can not keep them on your own property.
If your friend is a good friend hopefully she will understand. If she doesn't understand then (this will sound mean but it's not intended to be) that is her problem. We all make decisions and react certain ways because of our own issues and not because of someone else.
Please do what is best for you and your horses.
Take care
It is not you that is hurting her emotions, it just sounds like an all around bad, complicated marriage issue...I'm so sorry for that!! Thoughts and Prayers for you and your friend...and the horses!
At 3pm today we go and check out the new stable. It is only 16 miles away - but all surface streets so a 30 minute drive. I am really picky about how my horses are cared for and who cares for them.
The new stable would about double the cost of my horses, which is not the most ideal with hubby having only gotten his first paycheck on a temp job - there is great indication that they are going to pick him up permanently, but no guarantees we will have an income next week.
If this new place is GREAT, then we will set up to move the horses on the first of the month. Unless things go to heck in a hand basket between now and then, then we will move earlier.
If it is not GREAT, I will just make sure to schedule when we are going to out with around the few times HE is out there.
My daughter really wants to stay. She has the opportunity to train a horse with huge potential and she is really enjoying how happy the horses are there. I have to admit, I love seeing how happy my horse is out in a field with growing green grass to munch on. He will not be as happy stuck in a small paddock and stall.
Hubby and daughter think having a place to bounce to 'just in case' is a good thing, but both are thinking I need to stop letting my friend's stress bother me.
In the three or four months we have been there, I have seen him maybe five times and exchanged maybe 50 words, 90% of which were either 'hi' or 'bye'.
I am going to take a 'chill pill' and see what happens this afternoon.
So along with opening boundaries up for contact with horses comes contact with the humans attached to them. I'm really sorry for what a rotten time your friend is having with her hubby. It's a hard choice to make, factoring in your friendship and desire to support her but not deal with him in doing so. Lots of support to you. Keep us updated. Love to your horses, too.
And yeah - I have NO gray area. Either I have no feelings for a person at all, give them no thought at all, or I give them my everything!
Hugs to all. Thank you for reinforcing that I need to protect myself in this. I can do that and keep the horses where they are, if I am aware of what I am doing.
love you all!!!
yadlim - sometimes the dragon wins (yeah, I am a dragon)