Hi Sister,

I'm sorry to say, but you're not weird. Weird is running around wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the aliens from sucking out your brainwaves. I can't picture you in a tinfoil hat.

You did very well to post this. I can tell it was hard for you to get it typed out, and now you're probably worried that you shouldn't have posted it. (Been there, done that.) You did well. Getting it outside of you is a good way to release it from inside of you. Hugs for your effort tonight!

As for not being able to read a fricken book -- I completely understand. Scenes like that are bound to trigger the horrible memory of what you endured. I'm so sorry, so sorry that happened to you. Even though I have finally conquered the flashbacks, I still can't read books, newspaper articles, or watch movies or news reports of rapes or sexual abuse without getting emotional.

Here's something I learned that I hope will help you. I always thought the way to make the memory go away was to let it replay all the way through (maybe if I watch it, I can be done with it). I've learned that that generally only leads to it cycling over and over. Instead I began using distraction techniques to pull me out of the memory. My favorite is safe physical activity that requires thought as well.... Basketball, juggling, guitar playing... those require physical movement plus concentration, and can help you take control of your thoughts before they suck you in.

If I'm at work or somewhere that I can't do that sort of thing, I begin naming (silently) objects I see around me, trying to name as many things as I can: wooden chair, box of cereal, yellow curtain, Samsung computer, etc.

You're not weird, and you're not alone in this. I hope what helped me will help you, too.

Hugs,
Wistala

I can't relate to what you went thru, but as long as there are assholes in the world, there will be a need for therapists. I applaude you for seeking that profession. I can only suggest that you "keep your eye on the prize". In this case, your education. It is what will get you thru the dark times. You WILL help people, set it up as a goal.

I can only guess why your dad pulled you out. He doesn't want his crime revealed. Can you get a court order to let you go back? Might be worth a try. Ask the court to have him pay for your counseling, or go to jail. That ought to wake him up.

The book, yes, they can be that bad. Some books, movies, etc about Vietnam are still hard to watch. I'm trying to force myself, and sort of "face my triggers". So far its an uphill battle, but I'm holding my own. Good luck, and I'll be praying for you.
~theGuardian.

Aww thank you soo much!! sorry about that i didnt clarify..i wasnt abused by my dad..it was a family member on my moms side. Wistala...ur ideas are rly great...i am so scared to let it play fully..usually wen it starts i shoot and stare at something and focus on that and i sort of "go away" this is gonna sound weird...i talk to other people in my head...like a full blown conversation and that gets me out for a few minutes.

my dad sorta has to get me into therapy now cuz of the whole suicide contemplation/ ideation thing...or dyfs will be called and on his behind :p ....everyone that i ever talked to about him ripping me out of therapy got angry..cuz they knnow how much i need it...my dad works in the new school i am now..:/ hate being there....and so i dont trust anyone that much..im to scared to talk to em and because they work with my dad i dont wanna mess anything up

i will try ur ideas! thank you!

itzjustme - the entire body hold memory so what you have experienced is normal. I am sorry you were ripped out of therapy. I wondered as I read your above post, why did your dad do that?

Any way... I do hope you get back to therapy and continue to work through the trauma. (((hugs)))

cuz he said i was talking about him and his wife..like i really care about them

*hides tinfoil hat*
Weird??? noooo, what youa re describng is very common, yeah triggers, horrible.
I'm glad you posted, i can't get over how i lived my life with all these very NORMAL symptoms for someone who was abused, but for the so called normal people, they do not understand at all.
And would even get mad at me....

They maybe normal but boy are they ignorant too AND insensitive...

Sorry i sneaked in a little vent, is very normal to feel as you did. :)

Thank u :)