My anxiety is forever looking for perfection. In my search for perfection, I can find fatal flaws in EVERYTHING. Waiting for XYZ will be better than settling for ZYX. Don't ask me to be tolerant of CBA when it should be ABC. I can't take that pill. I need to be healthy before I take my medicine. I can't socialize while I can't give the proper answer to, "How are you?" I don't need to bother with that task. It will still be there tomorrow.
And meanwhile I sit, stewing in my isolated misery with that misery amplifying with every excuse I feed it.
Again, I do not know what I am reaching for here or if I am even making sense.
Thoughts? Experience? Reality checks?
As I have pondered the results of my recent "Testing" post, the term, "Gaslighting" has been floating through the ponderations like a street sign. When I finally started taking my amnesia therapy seriously in the mid to late 80's, the term was used extensively to help me explore what was going on with my memory dysfunctions and resulting psychoses (pl). I was self-gaslighting like a toxic mother...
I have to work with a lot of priveledged, snobby people. I feel like I would rather die than serve them. It is nearly impossible for me to find of job, due to me current situation. So, I know I "should" stick it out. However, ethically, I don't know that I can. Suicide honestly seems to outweigh serving those monsters.