THANK YOU! I *hated loathed feared dreaded* the "mandatory huggy-kissy" at my dad's parents' home on holidays. I was revolted by my dad's mom (for some reason I've eyt to really identify, it was just there since I was little), and there was this one person who was often at my mom's family's picnic who was a little too eager to huggy-kissy the children. Ew ew ew!

Don't push the kids. You're stressing them, and spreading germs, and forcing them to distrust their own instincts, is how I feel about it.

BTW, my mom would never allow it, but she never went to my dad's family's events. She wasn't welcome. She'd step between us and anyone swooping in for the squeal-kissy-grabby-huggy. When we were older, o course, she let us decide, but it was a very nice safe feeling.

I think so too.

I heartily agree.

Fascinating. I feel like offering substitutes (ironic) about offering substitutes. I mean, I feel like offering a substitute about dinner gatherings where others (the "they") can offer a substitute if a hug isn't readily accepted. Seems I agree with you, having enough sensitivity to sense someone's not liking a hug. The mindset of going beyond the boundary of a "frown" is foreign to me, though. I'd venture to negotiation, even, before pressing beyond a frown, negotiation for the hug at a better time of day, at a better time, or then the idea of a substitute, some "substitute for a hug" like sharing a cup of punch but walking away very soon after handing over the cup because they're already not liking the hug (acknowledges the reality, rather than WIPING OUT THE ENTIRE REALITY) and the sharing of punch grabbing or sharing of grabbing two candycanes and walking away is a "quick" version of communicating liveliness, quick, like taking off a Band-Aid of communicating liveliness since already didn't like the hug idea, is the most someone could accomplish if they disagreed with your and my "don't force the hug." Then the spirit of the hug happened, even if not the physical hug, at the liveliness of a quick and lively (quick) giving and a getting of two candycanes together, or a giving and a getting of punch together (quickly handing over the tiny cup), but then quickly on to share a candycane with someone else or a cup with someone else (diet punch, maybe, right, rather than with a SMILE ON THE FACE, obliterating the reality of "one doesn't wish a hug"). Sheesh, the little one could be "caring about not spreading the flu," and without a discussion, obliterating the entire thought process (and with a smile) rather than offering substitute (quick, lively) of handing over a candycane and handing a candycane to the next people, too, quickly? Fascinating. Nearly seven billion people on the planet, and that one seems easy to me. BUT. One could also offer the above idea anonymously, so as to tempt the "forced hug giver" to the substitute candycane liveliness communication so as to not (with a smile) WIPE OUT AN ENTIRE LITTLE ONE'S MOMENTARY REALITY "as the way to be."

I hated the high=pressure situation of The Mandatory Hug. Refuse hugs, or substitute for one, and you offend and are a bad kid and made people sad/mad; give hugs when you hate doing it, you're miserable at being forced into what I recall as bewidering. Don't forget, the holidays often mean little kids seeing people they may not clearly remember from the previous year, or in a big family (like mine) just can't keep straight. My mom taught us to, as we hit around age 9-10, to say, "Is it okay to hug you, [Relative's Name]?" but before that she steppe dina nd made sure *we* were okay about it. Thus, on my mom's side, the communal hug-fest doesn't bug me to this day, but with others? ARGH. I was born inherently shy, to boot, so forced hugging was hell, and forced interactions were hell, even if they were well-intentioned. What,a handshake isn't okay?

I reiterate my point b/c I think adults forget kids are INDIVIDUALS. Some may love hugs and some may tolerate and some like me may cringe until trust is established over time. You can't judge how a kid should or shouldn't act/react based on adult expectations of how adults can/should handle situations. Until kids hit a certain age, they can't even reason that far, and won't know *why* they should do things a certain way, no matter how you explain it, b/c it's just not there yet. I won't quote any silly stages of growth/development, as those are guidelines, not rock-solid rules, but it is true some kids develop socially at different rates than others, so why force it? You upset the kid(s) and adults tend to forget kids have *ears* and can tell they're being talked about in a negative fashion. "Oh how nice that he gave me a handshake, but what's his problem with a hug?" sort of thing. Or, "You shouldn't let her refuse adults like that." (?! No, child, please, let any adult touch you? Mixed message much?)....

Speaking from experience and from how the two side of m y family differed? Kids aren't mini-mes. They're little-thems. Don't force their comfort zone. You can encoureage gently. "Remember, this is Auntie Whatever? She gave you the XYZ last year? And thi sis Uncle B, I told you how he did such and such for me?"

I rant, b/c I was truly horrified by my dad's family's grabbing and hugging. Never knew how much till this post, actually. Hmm.